Thursday, February 24, 2011

Question: If Jesus truly is metal, who is (was) his favourite late-to-mid nineties rap-rock or nu-metal band?

If the premise here is that Jesus is metal, then he won't like any of that shit.  He'll just listen to Ride the Lightning for the seven hundredth time.

But to try and answer, I'd have to say Godsmack, simply because they took their name from an Alice in Chains song and Alice in Chains rules, therefore, Jesus loves them.

Or Evanescence 'cause he digs chicks that rock. Or maybe Living Sacrifice, 'cause, you know...

Short Answer: Jesus didn't think Creed was very good.  Sorry, Creed.

Question: What do you think is in Bill Clinton's Junk Drawer? And what do you hope is in there?

Hilary's balls!

But seriously, because this is a serious matter.
What's in his junk drawer? The Following: old ninja star he bought at a fair when he was a kid, picture of himself in bell bottoms giving a thumbs up in front of a Christmas tree, Lion King happy meal toy, Mr. Potato Head happy meal toy, fleshlight (surprisingly the butt and not the lips), naked picture of Pam Grier from Foxy Brown, a bag of those old sour candies shaped like spaceships. 

What do I hope is there?  Fifty-eight pairs of intern panties.  'Cause I like to think he rolled the bones and came up unscathed fifty-seven times.

Short Answer: He was likable, no doubt about that.  But wasn't his presidency a bit of a 'junk drawer?'

Question: Do you think the new found courage for freedom that is sweeping North Africa and the Middle East will make terrorism obsolete?

Sadly, I'm not sure I know about this new found courage, but I'll answer the question correctly just the same.

Fear dictates the pace and action of almost every living, breathing thing on this planet.  Terror as a way to get results won't be a philosophy easily abandoned.

Short Answer: I suppose if local fear based media becomes so overpowering that we no longer fear the hell of international terrorism, then it could be obsolete.  Sort of.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Question: What's the weirdest/grossest thing you've ever eaten?

When I was a kid, I was at my "best" friend's house.  He was a rich kid and he was bigger, taller, faster and older than me, so I differed to him in almost all things.  One day, he was showing me his father's collection of old bottles.  They were brown and of various shapes and sizes.  In the bottom of a small one there was a little liquid.  I don't think he dared me to drink it, so much as he just suggested it was a good idea.  I tipped that puppy up and felt a huge wad of snot roll into my mouth and flop-skip over my tongue, cloying and giggling its way down my throat.  I don't know what the substance truly was, but it was clear it had been there for a long time, and had transformed into something rotting and wondrous.

Short Answer: This other time, another older kid told me to drink a frothing, warm glass of apple juice.  To my credit, I only took one sip of the fresh urine.

Question: Would you ever go scuba diving or snorkeling?

Yes.  Years ago, the answer would have been a definitive no, because water - and more importantly, what's in the water - scares the shit out of me.  But after my youth and my first few years of coupledom, I learned something about myself.  During what I would call leisure time, my life revolves mostly around seeing my wife naked.  Normally, this is for sex, but also, there is joy in seeing my wife naked in various other situations and places.  So I would go scuba diving or snorkeling, because during or near that event, I would get to see my wife naked in an exciting new way or situation.  That's how I keeps it hot.

Short Answer:  Please don't think me strange.  My wife is very attractive when she's naked.  The view is worth revolving around, I assure you.

Question: Why do pets always want to go into the bathroom with their owners and/or scratch at the door when left out of the bathroom?

If your pet is a dog, it's because he likes to eat shit.

If your pet is a cat, it's because he wants to see you naked, hoping you'll be embarrassed.

Short Answer: If your pet is anything else, he's just being a weirdo because you've set an example of being a weirdo by owning a weirdo pet.

Question: Why does my dog always want to go outside when I'm trying to talk on the phone?

You spoiled your dog.  Now he wants attention when you're not giving it, like a baby.  Your dog's a baby.  Also, he probably understands the existence of cell phones, and is encouraging you to get one.

Short Answer: Dogs are in cahoots with Gods.

Question: Why does the phone always ring when you go to the bathroom?

Because God created everything.  Therefore, he created time, so he is outside of time.  Him allowing so much calling when we're in the tub or on the toilet is because he either thinks we already have cell phones, or he's trying to give us a hint to invent them.

Short Answer: It's also a metaphor.  The phone rings when you're pooping, because when you talk to people, most of the time they're just saying a bunch of shit.

Question: Which HP Lovecraft story would be best adapted to a sitcom? How would you pitch it?

There are quite a few good candidates for this.  Lovecraft wrote a lot of stories that implied rich, texural backgrounds that could be easily expanded on by other writers.  Arkham and Dunwich in particular have a lot to offer a serialized story.

But if this is a sitcom we're making, there is one standout.  The Shadow Over Innsmouth is ripe for comedy.  Because of the fish people.  It would be like Fawlty Towers, but with elaborate costumes, rituals, fear of drowning and a pissed off Elder God or two.  The hotel (The Gilman House - hilarious) where the protagonist stays in the story would be the center of the thing.  He would be there for an elongated stay, and the scene where he's attacked and run out of the place by the fish people would instead be a long, drawn out and comical attempt to remove him from the town, without revealing that the people are in fact fish people.

There'd be a lot of meetings by the pool, a thousand jokes about 'having a drink'.  ("No, I'm good," for example.) And they'd constantly be trying to get him to go for a swim in the ocean.  "The water's lovely.  It's not full of evil at all."

There's great stuff in the details, like Devil Reef and the old guy that tells him about the town.  Plus you could make a hilarious group of the priests (from the Esoteric Order of Dagon), treat them like Hare Krishnas or have them go door to door with their equivalent of the Watchtower.

And how would I pitch it?  I just did!

Short Answer: As fun as this is, don't be fooled by the fish people.  The story is scary.

Question: Can you name 5 things you love and 5 things you hate about the U.S.A.?


5) Free speech in America is no longer respected as a right.  If you disagree with something or someone, they can assail you with slander to meet their own needs and agenda, with no respect that you have the right to your opinion.  Signs that start with: 'If you' and end with: 'than you're not American' are all too prevalent.

4) Politicians and politics in general have become so extreme, that all party platforms are now simply tag lines for a movie no one wants to see.  But you're already at the theater, so you have to choose one of them.  It's Pro-Life versus Social Security, or some bastardized jazzed-up versions of those ideas.  God forbid there might be an ability to choose all the good things, not sets of ideas instead of other sets.  The two party system is officially a joke.  If you can never meet in the middle, you don't have a ruling body.  You have two kids playing king of the mountain while the other kids suffer.

3) There are two prevailing attitudes in the U.S.A.  The bad one, is that Americans are better at everything, simply because they're Americans.  Even if this were true (and it often is) it's not so cool to always be telling everyone.  America: the world's most shameless gloat-er.

2) Similar to the free speech issue is the freedom of religion issue. People don't seem to get (ironically, in the land of the free) what freedom means.  It means you can build a mosque and be left alone.  Maybe a little more of that 'home of the brave' part needs to get in there.  Like, being brave enough to not assume that every person who isn't white and christian is evil or funding evil.  How would the bible belt-ers like it if the world just assumed all Christians were snake-handlers?  Also, on a minor tangent, the fight between science and religion in the states as gotten crazy intense.  More respect for other people's beliefs = less grandstanding and posturing to prove you are allowed to have them.

1) Fear based media! At this stage, I'd like to point out that this question was asked of the U.S.A. in particular, and I'm not in any way singling them out.  Other countries have similar sets of problems, and we all know that there are many fewer freedoms in other parts of the word.  That said, we should know better, shouldn't we?  Seeing how bad it is in other places; how much censorship there is, how fear is used to rule, shouldn't America try harder?  I can't watch American news.  It's ridiculous.  Biased, terrifying, uninformative nonsense.


5) The good prevailing attitude in America is that as Americans, people can accomplish anything.  The US has the freedoms to allow people to be great, and the people love that shit.  It's similar to the other attitude, that Americans are the best, but more accurately put, the truth is Americans have the potential to be the best at whatever they choose to pursue.  That's a pretty bad ass way to go about things.

4) The Miami Dolphins.  In a more broad sense, America kicks ass when it comes to organized sports.  They treat that shit with respect and pile tons of cash into it for the fan's amusement.  Sure some of those dollars should go into schools, but hey! look, cheerleaders!

3) America is the best friend in the world.  He's like that bully that you somehow gained the respect of, and now when other people pick on you, he shows up ready to stomp some ass.  Sure, sometimes he goes overboard, but his heart's in the right place.  People complain that America tries to police the world, but I don't see anybody else doing it?  UN?  You listening?

2) There may be a freedom of speech issue in America, but the fact that Americans are so willing to speak their minds keeps that at bay.  Even if you are being a douche, you are practicing the right of free speech and that strengthens the ideal.  And for all the bad press America gets about nasty, idiotic protests, it is a great place for peaceful, organized, purposeful protests as well.

1) Movies!  Similar to the sports thing, America is so down with distracting the people with entertainment, that they pour shit loads of money into movies.  And although a lot of those summer blockbusters are awful schlock, the medium of film is an art form, make no doubt about it.  What other county puts that much love, respect and worship (let alone dollars - especially the dollars) into art?

Short Answer: Make no mistake, America is great.  History dictates to us that great empires fall.  I hope that America can evolve and begin to stop acting like it's a great empire before it suffers the same fate.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Question: Which current SNL character should have their own film, and what would the plot be?

Stefon, performed by the brilliant Bill Hader, is not only the best character on SNL right now, he might be one of the best of all time.

Clearly, the plot of his movie would be about finding the hottest club in New York.  He's just been hired as a consultant for a budding entertainment rag, and needs to really put in his research.  One night, while riding a glue high at the new club, Armbar (presented by club owner Bi Ritchie), and hanging out with frog-strokers, Mrs. Clause, college kids who use the word juxtaposition and people who agree to disagree, Stefon witnesses the murder of the famous Lolli-Pop Gill (he's a guy who wears striped stockings and has short arms and a big forehead).  Because no one believes he was a witness, Stefon sets out (with the help of best friend Al played by Will Forte) to prove the identity of the murderer.  It was Bi Ritchie (Kevin Nealon)  himself, of course, trying to drum up publicity.  Norm Macdonald is also in the movie as some other guy; maybe a detective on the trail, I don't know.

The only other important thing, other than constant hi-jinks and sexual ambiguity, is the amount of clubs visited by Stefon in the film.  There's Alf, Bologna Plantation, Whiz, The Wiz, Orgy Pordgy, and Crux.  Along the way, he encounters many interesting people, including Grouches. (You know that thing where hairy midgets hang out in trash cans and get big guys named Bruno to carry them around?)

Short Answer: I don't even know if you could make a Stefon movie.  So many failed attempts with great characters over the years, but also great movies from mediocre characters.  Who knows what the formula is?

Question: Thoughts on Daniel Tosh?

He's awesome.  Smart, scathing and nearly as attractive as me.

Short Answer: He's not really nearly as attractive as me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Question: What is the best book you've read? Any genre, author, length, and period.

1984 by George Orwell.  Best book ever.

Short Answer: I'm also a big fan of Go, Dog, Go.

Question: How much dignity (measured in DIGS) must one have to become a common whore, a cast member of Jersey Shore, a writer of Twilight fan fiction?

Luckily, for both me and the audience, DIGS can be measured with negative numbers.

Common Whore: Most whores have 2-3 DIGS per square vag-inch, but it is not all that strange (pun intended) to find whores with up to -45 DIGS.  Uncommon Whores can actually have quite a bit of dignity, some high-class prostitutes registering near 100,000 DIGS.  'Cause they gettin' paid.

Jersey Shore: By sheer coincidence, to be on Jersey Shore you need to level out in DIGS.  Most cast members range from -2 to +3, with JWow throwing off the curve with a whopping 44 DIGS.  Thanks, implants!  (It should also be noted that Jersey Shore is now becoming commonly used as a term for 0 DIGS.  Example:  You above the Jersey Shore line, boy-eee!)

Writer of Twilight Fan Fiction: Fiction writing is hard work.  So it takes a certain amount of positive DIGS to even attempt it.  But every time you begin to doubt, and really look at what you're doing, the material itself will soundly effect your dignity.  For example, writers of Star Wars or Star Trek fiction usually range from about the Jersey Shore line to upwards of 52,000 DIGS.  Twilight writers, hardly self-aware, can go even higher, feeling quite a sense of satisfaction at what they're doing.  Their fall in DIGS doesn't occur until they are first critiqued, when they bottom out below the common whore.  The record, held by a Twilight fan-fiction writer, for lowest DIGS is -1001, known around the world as the Sparkly Vampire.

Short Answer: My numbers for today.  Early morning (pre-masturbation) 32 DIGS.  Afternoon (post-masturbation) 21 DIGS.  Later this afternoon (post-masturbation, episode two) 47 DIGS.  What gives?  I'll tell you what.  Dignity rises if you do the act that lowers your dignity a second time.  Go get 'em, sell outs!

Question: What novel would you recommend to anyone who is new to the Horror Genre? What book wouldn't you recommend?

First, the book I wouldn't recommend is undoubtedly The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells.  That book destroyed my soul.  It's not even that it's necessarily bad in any quantifiable way, I just couldn't get through it.  I tried to read it on three separate occasions in my life and eventually had to give up and get the book on tape.  I finished "reading" it while driving in my automobile.

New to the Horror genre, eh?  Need a good book to get you off to the races, huh?  My first instinct is the Books of Blood by Clive Barker.  That's kinda like diving in at the deep end, and the pool is full of partially congealed virgin blood, but it will anoint you effectively.  If you're apt to be scared off, though, I might have to find something a little more accessible.

Stephen King is an interesting way to go.  But his writing style can be awfully descriptive and that turns some people off, so I'm not supremely confidant that he's the right choice either.  If he was, maybe something short and sweet like Carrie would be good.

I think my initial instinct is a good one.  Short stories, I mean (the Books of Blood are short stories, if that wasn't clear).  Here's what I'd recommend.  Get your boots on and get on the ole internet, and look for compilation horror books.  But wait, there's more.  Try to find one that has authors choosing the stories, either their own favorites or their favorites of other people's work.  There's one in particular that I'm thinking of, but I can't for the life of me remember its title.  Look it up for yourself, I'm (lazy) busy.

If you really, really need a sound recommendation in novel form, you can't go wrong with any of the following: The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, Ghost Story by Peter Straub, The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty, Interview With the Vampire by Anne Rice, The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker, Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, Jaws by Peter Benchley, Phantoms by Dean Koontz, Psycho by Robert Bloch, Hell House by Richard Matheson or The Shining by Stephen King.

But, if you really, really, really want to know my top recommendations, they are: Dracula by Bram Stoker, American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis and Beast by Peter Benchley.  These are three very different yet very enjoyable Horror novels.  Dracula, of course, is a period piece and is a very interesting, if at times slow, read.  American Psycho is very modern and written with joy and glee.  Beast is basically Jaws but with a giant squid.  Boom.

Also, I should mention that both Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft are awesome, but modern readers can find their work dated.  Nathaniel Hawthorne's horror was also quite good.  If you think you can handle it, try one of those dudes out.  I'm a Lovecraft booster, myself.  I think he's the man.

Short Answer: If you've got any yarbles you'll just read the Books of Blood.  Bitch.

Question: Can you write something horrific, poem or story, based on the title "Engine Nevernight"?

Terror, terror, terror born
The tracks en-embered, fields forlorn
To embrace the dark and calm the storm
A path through grassy pastures shorn

And when the whistle blows its kind
And hassles new the sleeping mind

Arise our cause, Afire our plight
To bow for engine nevernight

For when the blast has singed our eyes
And cooing down the baby's cries
You feel the smoke pass by your door
To trail the engine evermore

Do not despair, do not repent
Some things controlled are favors lent

Arise our cause, Afire our plight
To bow to sentient oversight

Just shallow breathe and cover eyes
Stop not your heart, attract no flies
For sunken in your stricken eyes
Is how the fear retains its guise

Short Answer: Boo-yah.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Question: If you could pick 20 wrestlers from any era and put them in a Royal Rumble who would they be? Who would be the final two? Who would win?

For those who don't know, a Royal Rumble works like this.  Two wrestlers start.  Every 2 minutes (or every 90 seconds) a new man comes in.  To be eliminated you must be tossed over the top rope and both feet have to touch the floor.  Last man standing wins.  In order of entry, here's my 20 man Royal Rumble.

#1) Sailor White - Also known as Moondog King when he joined the WWE, Sailor White was the first wrestler I ever noticed. He wrestled on the east coast when I was young.
#2) The Rock - One of the greats, maybe the best stick man in the history of the biz.
#3) Kurt Angle - One of the best pure wrestlers in wrestling history.
#4) Eddie Guerrero - The culmination of a long ancestral line of great talent, Eddie was one of the best in-ring workers of all time.
#5) Bret Hart - My personal favorite in-ring worker. Bret prioritized safety for himself and his opponent, while still managing to make everything look real.  My favorite puncher in wrestling history, as well.
#6) Chris Jericho - With every in ring tool, he is also one of the best on-mic ever.  Total entertainment package.
#7) Jake The Snake Roberts - Arguably the best character to come out of the character era, Jake was one of those special in ring performers that made every match look good, and made everyone he fought look better.  Maybe my favorite set of signature moves to boot.  (He created the DDT, in case you didn't know.)
#8) Chris Benoit - No one gave as much of his body in the ring.  Full speed, full blast intensity.
#9) Shawn Michaels - Possibly the single best in-ring performer of all time, Shawn would always bring it when it needed to be brought.  He is Mr. Wrestlemania.
#)10 CM Punk - My favorite current stick man.  His straight edge gimmick should be getting stale, but he keeps drawing real heat.
#11) Daniel Bryan - More of an in-ring talent, Daniel has proven himself everywhere.
#12) The Undertaker - Besides being the greatest 'big man' in the history of the biz, it is said that The Undertaker is one of the most respected backstage.
#13) Randy Orton - Probably the best of the current talent on WWE's roster, this third generation superstar has no ceiling when it comes to how far he can go.
#14) Randy Macho Man Savage - One of the best characters ever plus one of the most athletic wrestlers ever equals good.  And Miss Elizabeth, or course.
#15) Edge - It took me awhile to become a big fan, but he's earned it.  A good worker who has had some of the best matches of the last ten years.
#16) Sting - Often called the best professional wrestler never to work in the WWE.  He can deliver the goods in ring.  Loves me some scorpion death drop.
#17) Ultimo Dragon - My fave of the Japanese boys.  They wrestle different, but I likey.
#18) Dynamite Kid - My first exposure to just how dynamic wrestling could be came from the Dynamite Kid.
#19) Ric Flair - Arguably the most influential performer in the history of professional wrestling, what would a rumble be without a little stylin' and profilin'?
#20) Curt Hennig - Known to many as Mr. Perfect, he has been dubbed the best pure athlete in wrestling history. Curt could do things that very few could do.  And he did them perfectly.

It would go like this.  By the time Curt hits the ring with the coveted 20th spot, only three other superstars are still involved in the rumble.  Those superstars are Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels and the number 19 entry Ric Flair, having just eliminated Chris Jericho.  Curt decides to stay out of the ring to see what will transpire.  Bret offers to ally with Flair to take out Shawn, but Flair and Shawn are friends. The animosity between Flair and Hart boils over, and despite Flair's trust of Mr. Perfect, Curt takes an opportunity and helps eliminate Flair (from the outside) by pulling down on the top rope during an irish whip.  Flair is pissed and won't leave ringside, thinking that Bret has eliminated him, for he did not see Perfect take down the ropes (and Perfect denies his involvement, of course).  Perfect then sits idly by while Bret takes the fight to Shawn, helping again only at the last minute, sliding into the ring to eliminate Shawn.  Then Bret and Perfect (my all time favorite in-ring duo) do a ten minute spot reminiscent of their King of the Ring match, before Flair, still sulking, eliminates Bret out of spite by pulling down on the ropes from the outside, eliminating Bret in the same way he himself was eliminated.  Perfect wins the rumble! He is not able to believe his good fortune, but takes credit for it just the same.

Short Answer: Mr. Perfect rules.