Saturday, January 29, 2011

Question: What are some of your favourite horror movie tag lines? And even though I am sure you were going to do it anyway, why don't you make up a few for us.

Tag lines are brilliant.  Some are funny, some are poignant, some actually help sell the movie.  Horror cinema has sported some of the best ever and with good reason.  The hucksters behind horror movies have always tried to find ways to put butts in the seats.  Tag lines are a quick and effective way to stick a movie in a person's head.  Because of this, I've had some stuck in my head my whole life.

So here comes a g-d list.  It's going to be long, even excessive.  But before I start, I wanted to make a few shout outs.  First, to John Carpenter, who besides quite possibly being the best horror director in history (based on body of work) has also had a high percentage of interesting and fun tag lines attached to his movies.  Another heads up to all those Roger Corman Poe films starring Vincent Price, and all the movies of that ilk, which sometimes sported super long and theatrical tag lines.  They are fun and awesome but I've excluded them from this list.  (Check out the one for Masque of the Red Death for an example.)

So here goes.  I've included a few foreign films, sometimes because the translations are bad, but I tried to limit myself on that front.  Also, I've included a few that may not be my personal favorites but have been so influential that they've infiltrated our lexicon.  Hard to deny those. Some are here because they stand alone as good lines.  Others are great because of what they reflect of the content of the movie.  And hopefully, a few surprises.  Buckle up.

30) May (2002) Be careful...she just might take your heart.
29) Suspiria (1977) The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92.
28) Suicide Club (2001) Well then, goodbye everyone.
27) The Demon Lover (1977) At last! The truth about demons!
26) Shatter Dead (1994) God Hates You!
25) What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) Sister, sister, oh so fair, why is there blood all over your hair?
24) Hatchet (2006) Old School American Horror.
23) Near Dark (1987) Pray for daylight.
22) Demons (1985) They will make cemeteries their cathedrals and the cities will be your tombs.
21) Seven (1995) Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.
20) Strange Behavior (1981) Cuts up parts other movies just dislocate.
19) Halloween (1978) The Night He Came Home!
18) The Fly (1986) Be afraid. Be very afraid.
17) Sleepy Hollow (1999) Heads Will Roll.
16) From Beyond (1986) Humans are such easy prey.
15) Snuff (1976) A film that could only be made in South America, where Life is CHEAP!
14) Re-Animator (1985) Herbert West has a very good head on his shoulders...and another one in a dish on his desk.
13) Saw 2 (2005) Oh, yes. There will be blood.
12) Funny Games U.S. (2007) You Must Admit. You Brought This On Yourself.
11) Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) A frenzied hunt for a hideous beast uncovers an evil cannibal cult and death is the devil's blessing.
10) Pet Sematary (1989) Sometimes dead is better.
  9) Jaws 2 (1978) Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...
  8) Night of the Creeps (1986) The good news is your dates are here. The bad news is...they're dead!
  7) Last House on the Left (1972) To avoid fainting, keep repeating 'It's only a movie...It's only a movie...'
  6) The Lost Boys (1987) Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire.
  5) Blood Beach (1980) Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water - you can't get to it!
  4) Freaks (1932) Can a full grown woman truly love a MIDGET?
  3) The Thing (1982) Man is the warmest place to hide.
  2) Alien (1979) In space no one can hear you scream.
  1) Dawn of the Dead (1978) When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.

Truth is, it probably wouldn't have occurred to me to make up my own in this case, but I guess I could try.

Okay, the movie's called Weevils and it's about a bunch of carnivorous weevils.  Tagline: Here no weevil, see no weevil.   Maybe I shouldn't do any more.

Short Answer: Dawn of the Dead has the best ever.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Question: Michael Bay vs. James Cameron - in what will assuredly be an unholy, poorly written bloodbath, which side would you cheer for?

I'm sorry if this answer is disappointing, but there's no way I could ever cheer for James Cameron.  Though I believe he is the superior filmmaker of the two based on body of work (which I've talked about before on this blog) he seems to be filling his own corner by himself in terms of praise.  He's just one of those guys who comes across as a self-serving know-it-all jackass.  Oh wait, which guy am I talking about now?

Wow.  It has just occurred to me that in a public way (I don't know them from Job, personally) they exhibit some of the same seriously unlikeable behaviors.  Maybe this isn't so cut and dry.

James Cameron clearly has the better resume:  The Abyss, Aliens, Terminator.  But Michael Bay has a few gems as well: The Rock.  Oh.  Just The Rock?  Okay.

Yea, Cameron's the better filmmaker, pants down.  But they're both epic jack-wagons when it comes to showing any sort of humility.

The answer is as simple as I thought.  When Michael Bay does his thing and he does it well, even someone like me, who doesn't necessarily care about explosions and car chases, can get behind it.  Michael Bay is the action he creates, so by cheering for it, you're kinda cheering for him.  Cameron creates real good stuff, some times, maybe even art.  It's good enough that it separates itself from its creator, floating into the stratosphere for us to consume.  Though Cameron may hate to hear it, when we cheer for Ed Harris in The Abyss, we aren't cheering for James.
 
You know I used to defend James Cameron a little?  He knows he isn't the king of the world, I'd say.  But then, with all the press leading up to the Oscars last year, and seeing him around those directorial table gatherings; he just comes off as a douche.  It's like magic.  *Douche magic.

*This has not been an advertisement for Douche Magic nor was it endorsed by the makers of Flurmot, Flurm-Co, or their subsidiaries.

Short Answer:  I could cheer for Michael Bay.  (Craw!)  He knows what his pretension is and doesn't seem to be pretentiously trying to pursue other routes of pretension.  At least not actively.  Craw.

Question: Who is the most trusted manufacturer of premium Flurmot?

Trusted?  Flurm-Co.

Short Answer: Continuous questions on the same topic = answers of diminishing size and quality.

Question: What is the difference between the made up product, Flurmot and cheddar cheese (disregarding the fact that the first product is made up)?

First off, Flurmot is not aged, despite what you may think.  It is cured.

Also, while cheddar cheese is often left in caves for a long time before being just right, Flurmot was invented by Jesus who came out of a cave at just the right time.

They are both orange.  (White cheddar cheese isn't real, it's just cocoa butter and confectioner's sugar.)

Flurmot attacked my father when I was a child and saved my child when I was a father.  All cheddar cheese did was make me fat.

Flurmot, having more tensile strength inherently, is better on pizza as a companion to mozzarella, a real white cheese.

There are cheddar cheese balls, but Flurmot squares (though we all know they're really closer to a rhombus.)

Cheddar cheese comes in wheels, Flurmot has wheels.

Cheddar cheese goes great with crackers, but Flurmot is more of an African-American thing.

No one has ever cut the Flurmot.  Know what I'm sayin'?

Short Answer: Spiritually speaking, these products couldn't be different.  But they are similarly moist.

Question: What should win Best Picture this year?

Should is a tough word.  It's hard to say what should win.  I think I know who I want to win.  But let's step away for a moment.

The best movies of the year are Inception, True Grit, Black Swan, Toy Story 3, The Town and The Social Network.  This year, I've yet to see The Fighter or Winter's Bone, so take that into account.  Also, may I divert further from the question and relay briefly my feelings toward the ten nominee format.  I thought it would mean more genre films or that more eclectic films would be considered and included.  This year, besides perhaps Winter's Bone, the ten nominees are the same type of movies I'd have expected of the old five nom system.  Plus, besides adding nothing different this year (at least last year they gave a token nod to District 9) they've also made it harder for me to watch all the damn things before award season.

Anyway, I think the big story of this year is a two-parter.  Part one is the absence of Christopher Nolan as a nominee for Best Director when his movie (which fit all the Hollywood/Academy criteria for being given these kinds of nods) is a film held tightly together by directorial skill.  The second part of this is, after the giant Dark Knight shun of last year, What the fuck does the Academy have against Chris Nolan?  Bullshit.  Now don't get me wrong here, people.  I'm not a blind Nolan booster.  I did not like the Prestige at all, and though I thought Dark Knight deserved a nod, I wasn't crying myself to sleep.  But this seems too deliberate.  Inception blew people away and also caused a this-movie-isn't-as-great-as-everyone-says kind of backlash that always accompanies important and challenging films.  Also, to further illustrate my point, I don't necessarily think any of the other nominees for Best Director are undeserving; perhaps it's just a tough year, but then again, that's what you'd say if you were trying to come up with an excuse to screw someone.  I think, just like Avatar last year, when a movie hits critical mass with positive momentum, there is a public backlash that skews the Academy's vote.  Bullshit, I say again.  (Sorry to compare Avatar to Inception, by the way.  The relation was inevitable but without deep meaning, I assure you.)

So, after all that is said, my point is this.  I think Inception should win Best Picture.  Both because of how it stands on its own and how it lines up with Best Pictures throughout history, I believe it to be the proper choice.  The movie was everything movies should be, whether you enjoyed it or not.

But the best movie of the year, and the one I'm rooting for pants-down, is Black Swan.  I'm not even going to get into it.  If you don't think it's a great, great film, you're a mute gremlin of some sort.  If Inception was everything a movie should be, then Black Swan does everything a movie should do.  It uses art and story and character to engage, upset, entertain and excite you.  There were moments in Black Swan that out of context could be considered mundane, but I was clenching my teeth, white-knuckled, my mind racing. And Natalie Portman will win Best Actress.  If she doesn't, it is yet more proof that perhaps the Academy doesn't really know what the fuck they're talking about.

Short Answer: Inception should win.  Black Swan deserves it.  Based on momentum right now, might be the King's Speech, though.  Or all the way back to The Social Network as people re-watch it and base their votes on quality not timing.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Question: Why do you keep bugging me about your blog?

My mandate for this blog is that there is no such thing as a stupid or bad question.  But this one's pushing it, Mom.

Short Answer: Go back to smoking those cherry scented stogies and writing your erotic science-fiction stories.

Question: Which award or prize would you most like to win?

Fantasy/Never Going to Happen Answer: The Frank J. Selke Trophy

The Selke is awarded to the National Hockey League player who best demonstrates excellence in the defensive part of the game.  I love hockey and when I finally got to play some of it, I really enjoyed the two-way game.  I emulated (poorly) my favorite player of all time, Steve Yzerman.  I like winning face offs and blocking shots.  These sort of game-within-a-game type things appealed to me.  Also, in other sports, I was always a skilled player, or a "ball-hog" if you will.  So to find a talent for the intangibles in a sport really cooked my goose.

Realistic/Probably Will Happen (and probably tomorrow) Answer: Hugo Award for Best Novel

The Hugos are awarded to the writers of the previous years best Science Ficton/Fantasy.  I would like to win that.

Awards I've already won: Best Perm '07Fastest Taking out of the Garbage, 70 kilos and underMost Grocery Bags per Hand, Two Hands Division More Pie Award. Suitable Slacks, Most Original Corduroy at the Suitable Slacks Festival in WyomingCarol Burnett Lookalike Overall ChampionKing of Pizza Madness '09, '10Bronze Medal, Under 12 Newfoundland Provincial Badminton TournamentDaily Hobo HonorariumCharles De Gaulle Inappropriate Behaviour Medal at the Inappropriate Behaviour Festival and Kegger.  And the list goes on, bitches...

Short Answer: I'd also be down with winning an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay; but who wouldn't?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Question: Which Muppet would you like to live with?

My first instinct was Dr. Teeth, but that's probably a bad idea.  He lives a hard rockin' lifestyle.  I'd come home and there'd be beer bottles and cotton whores all over the floor every night.

Definitely not Animal either, for similar reasons.  I guess the whole band is out.  Except Rowlf; he seems sweet.

I really like Sweetums, but we all know where that one's going.  Me waking up inside his damn stomach, that's where.  I couldn't live with Statler and Waldorf either.  I'd end up removing their heads and sewing them on each other's body.

I know who'd be the worst.  That pontificating eagle jackass, Sam.  Bitch would complain about everything.  Toothpaste in the sink and shit like that.  I don't know who's name the electric bills under, bitch.  Shut-up, eagle!

I like Gonzo a lot, but he'd probably wreck the joint with some Rube Goldberg business.  Scooter seems down to earth, but also a bit like a gay nerd.  I don't mind the gay so much; seeing muppet cock never really bothered me, but I don't want a piece of felt telling me I need a better external hard drive every damn day.

Loves me some Swedish Chef, but I like to do the cooking and that would be awkward.  Honeydew would always be borrowing my beakers.  Speaking of, Beaker would be too annoying.

So it comes back to Rowlf.  He'd be my choice, but I think having a muppet as a roommate and having a dog as a roommate would end up in a lot of roll confusion.  Is he my best friend?  Is he?

The answer is the muppet that makes me laugh the most.  Like every good relationship, the roommate one tends to be based in mutual laughter.  No, not Fozzie. He can suck it.  I'm talkin' 'bout Rizzo the Rat.  Besides, I live with rats anyway and he'll fit right in.

Short Answer: Rizzo the Rat would be my favorite (alliterative) roommate.

Question: 5 of your favorite actresses? For their talent, not for their tits.

Damn.

In orderio reverso-chronologicalo.

#5: Judi Dench.  If this list had a lifetime achievement award, it would go to Dame Judi Dench.  Career highlights include: Mrs. Henderson Presents, Shakespeare in Love, Iris & Casino Royale.

#4: Amy AdamsJunebug lit me up.  Years later, Enchanted delighted me, and that movie shouldn't delight anyone.  Kudos Madame Adams.  Career highlights include: Julie and Julia, Junebug, Talladega Nights & Psycho Beach Party.

#3: Kate WinsletTitanic can suck my balls.  Billy Zane is the only reason to watch that piece of crap.  Other than that, Winslet has absolutely dominated every piece of lining-reading-ass-kickery she can get her grubby mitts on.  Career highlights include: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Hamlet, Heavenly Creatures & her episode of the brilliant Ricky Gervais show Extras.

#2: Natalie Portman: Bitch has stepped the eff up.  Career highlights include: Leon, Brothers, The Other Boleyn Girl, V for Vendetta.

#1: Cate Blanchett.  When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.  Miss Blanchett is the cream of the crop; she can do anything.  Remember Rocky?  She was Apollo Creed. Career highlights include: Elizabeth, I'm Not There, The Aviator & The Gift.  Oh yea, and she was Galadriel!  Word.

As per usual, I have trouble doing a list without some honorary mentions, so here goes.  Rachel Weisz, Anne Hathaway, Vera Farmiga, Julianne Moore, Rachel McAdams, Ellen Page, Hillary Swank, Angelina Jolie, Kate Beckinsale, Helena Bonham Carter...the list goes on.

Short Answer: Judi Dench, Amy Adams, Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman and Cate Blanchett are the best of the bunch.

Question: If you had to, what would your rewrite of the national anthem look like?

I do have to.

O Canada
I really like big boobs
True patriot boobs
In all thy boobs command

You get it.

Short Answer: All anthems should be about boobs, national or otherwise.  If you'd known that, we could've saved a lot of time here today.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Question: What do you feel is the biggest success of the last decade (on a world stage) and the biggest stumble?

Biggest success of the last decade... (When I have to think hard I repeat the question.)

Hmmmm...(Now I'm stalling.)

Oh, I know!  The whole chihuahua in purses thing!  Keeping your dog warm and your compact pressed firmly against a hairless animal's protruding butt hole!  How clever!  (That was a joke answer 'cause I still don't have a real one.)

What was the decade about, really?  War, it seems, but statistically speaking, we have less war in the world right now than we've had in ages.  So why does it seem Bush and Iraq are the dominant forces of the past ten years?  Ahh, right.  The media.

The Greatest Success (and also the greatest evil) of the last decade is the complete and total control of the people of this world (by whoever is in control of this sort of shit) through fear-based media.  We are more afraid than ever to not be controlled.  We're practically begging our governments to protect us from inflated evils to the point where we allow them to take away our inherent human rights.  And why?  So the rich can get richer, baby.

Now this may not seem like a great success to you or I, but imagine how great a success it is for the people in control to degrade and manipulate giant amounts of people; to attach their own pathetic agendas to millions as they have.

People actually got mad at Americans who didn't agree with Bush attacking Iraq.  There were people, in America, home of the free, who were told to shut up and do what they're told, or they didn't love their country.  Note to America: You are a country founded on freedoms.  This is only one example of the insanity of the last decade, but how else can you explain the complete disregard for one's own fundamental beliefs in the persecution of another for those exact same beliefs by means any other than government manipulation and control?  And what has it left America with?  A governmental system so split in opposition, that the machinations grind to a near stand still.  You know why that happens, kiddies?  Someone with a shit-ton of money and power doesn't really care about making your lives better.  They care about themselves, and the way they prosper, to sell you drugs you don't need or mortgages you can't afford or assurances that aren't substantiated is by keeping you under their thumb and keeping everything else relatively the same.

Try to watch Fox news for more than ten minutes.  Please, just try.  It reeks of sensationalism and bias.  It's disgusting.  I can barely even watch funny shows about the news anymore, because they just point out how sensationalist and biases the 'real' news shows are, and that frustrates me, too.  Can't someone put a stop to it?  Aren't there real journalists out there somewhere?

In summary, the greatest accomplishment of the last decade is that those in power, through greed and manipulation, have kept themselves in power, despite a growing population of would be dissidents with access to all the knowledge in history.  During the dawn of the Information Age, misinformation is still winning out.

For now.

(Just in case my point is unclear and you and I don't know who's really in power, here's a little example you can take to the bank.  Company goes bankrupt after being busted stealing from employees and public.  Company gets huge influx of money to get itself back on its feet.  Company takes money and gives out giant bonuses to executives.  I'm not even referring to one specific incident.  How sad is that?  Plato said it simply, and we all know it to be true, a perfect society can't be run by those who's interest is ruled by greed.  It will fail and fall.)

Short Answer: The biggest stumble of the last decade is somewhere in the above rant.  Try and guess where!

Question: What is the perfect meal as made by you and the perfect meal as made for you?

Made by me: I'd probably go with burgers.  I've been cooking ground meat as a snack since I was a drunken teenager, and I know how to make meat taste good.  Ladies?  Anyway.  I've seen the episode of Heston Blumenthal's show, In Search of Perfection (I think it's called) where he does burgers.  I've taken some of his tips before and made some pretty dynamic crud.  The burgers, rather than the accepted two thirds beef one third pork, would be half and half, for more fat/flavour.  Also, look out for anise, bitches!  (I also make a pretty deadly turkey burger, featuring the world's most common spice, cumin.  Pronounced the not gross way.) Also on the (beef/pork) burger you'd fine a simple aioli (mayo), lettuce, tomato, a whole slice of onion (red), and a square of scrambled egg.  Also, the bun, probably sourdough, would be pan fried with the havarti melted onto the bun.  That's one of the things I probably got from Mister Blumenthal.  It's the way to go.  Also, now that I think about it, I might make the burgers with a little havarti or mozza in the middle, for that molten center thing.  The meat would be grilled by the way.  Normally I'd make a BBQ sauce as well, but with the following side, no need.

I'd copy my best meal ever made and have the burger with a side of spaghetti, prepared lunchtime-Italian style.  San Marzano tomatoes broken by hand, fried in a pan with the pasta.  Fresh basil to finish.  Boom.

Made for me: I love food.  Love it.  Part of the fun of loving food is that I'll eat anything, try anything.  My favorite food made for me would probably be pizza, 'cause it's my favorite food period.  But that's a boring answer.  I think my favorite type of meal would be one prepared from front to back for me specifically by a chef I really like.  That meal would probably include lobster, something I never cook myself.  Other than that, skies the limit.

Short Answer: Bacon & Bacon

Question: If you had to write under an assumed name or perhaps use the title as your new identity while in a hypothetical witness protection, what would your choice be and why?

It terms of witness protection, I'd probably go with Bologna Jones.  You know, so as not to attract too much attention. This is actually fairly likely; I'm a pretty big squealer.

In terms of a nom de plume, it would depend on the genre I was writing.  For Romance, as an example, I'd use Taffi Kilbride, or if I was writing classier love stories/chick detective stories something like Victoria Kennedy.

Fantasy, I'd add a bunch of letters, like RT LL Keith, or Keith L. Jackson Jr. Esquire.

If I was writing dude detective stories, I'd use a name that sounded like a cool detective like Kip Hanson, or Mason O'Riley, or Ken Slade.

And if I was writing Erotic Science Fiction, you ask?

I'd use my Mom's name.

Short Answer: My friends and I always thought that Blorph was a pretty good name.  Or Teets.  Teets McCoy.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Question: Who are some of your favorite SNL characters?

Adam Sandler pops directly into my mind, but not any of his characters in particular.  He was the character.  He was just so unapologetically silly, and I loved him for that. Remember Opera Man?  Or when he'd come on for Halloween and make up costumes, like, Pickle-Mustache-Man?  Nice.  Gilda Radner was kind of the same, when I see old characters of her's.  Always givin' 'er.

Loving Stefon right now by Bill Hader.  Though they're finally getting old, pretty much every character that Kristen Wiig has done for the last few years, especially the girl with the baby arms (I think it's Eunice?) and the chick at the weekend update desk who says, "Just kidding" constantly.  Before that, Amy Poehler had a crazy good run.  I loved Kaitlin, the kid that would run around like a nutcase, and her character in the southern hospital sketch.  And I could tell that Molly Shannon was pretty brilliant, but she rarely made me laugh, except for Sally O'Malley.  It takes genius to come up with the kick, stretch and kick thing.  Why would you even think of that?  Brilliant.

I'm not even gonna mention Chris Farley characters.  Everything that tub 'o guts did was amazing.  (I lied.  Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker might be the greatest character in SNL history)

Hard not to like the Land Shark.  The Ladies Man.  Astronaut Jones.  The Continental (Walken rules.) I liked when Mike Myers would do Simon, for some reason.  That enough yet?  Oh, Andy Samberg as the rapper dude who sucks.  That shit is funny.

I just realized, this question is hard, 'cause there's just too many.  It's the kind of answer that requires research and thought; no not requires, but deserves.  Still, not a bad sampling, I suppose.

Special Note:  I don't think they were returning or recurring characters, but an SNL response of this nature wouldn't be complete without mentioning the Synchronized Swimming sketch (with Martin Short and Harry Shearer), maybe the best of all time.

Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat?  Buckwheat sings?  Hell, yea.

Short Answer: There can't really be a short answer to this question, except to say that there's a good chance about five or six of the best characters of all time were played by Chris Farley.  Chippendale's auditions?  The guy who interviews people?  The Herlihy boy? Outstanding.  (I've missed so many.  This is one I'm gonna hear about...)


Question: With the Wildcard round of playoff football behind us, who is your pick to win it all and why?

Seahawks!

Seriously, though, if the Seattle Seahawks win the Superbowl I'mma give up on the television.  Some people think it would be awesome, but those fuckers shouldn't even be in the playoffs.  Weakest Division Ever.

For those who don't know, the Seahawks won their division, giving them an automatic trip to the playoffs, with a sub .500 record.  They were 7-9.  That's disgusting.  Sidenote: Where the fuck did the Cardinals go?  I thought they'd at least keep the NFC West respectable.

Bears?  Cutler isn't ready.  Packers?  No good on the road.  Falcons?  Maybe the best team in football, but...
Steelers and Ravens?  They'll beat the shit outta each other and have not enough left in the tank.  Jets? They have karma against them 'cause fatty won't shut up.

That brings me back to my but (tee-hee).  The Falcons might be the best team in football, but...TOM BRADY!

Patriots?  TOM BRADY! (+ one of the greatest coaches of all time).

The New England Patriots look pissed off this year.  Like they're the only team capable. Once again, maybe the Falcons, who should do well at home against the Pack, and then should scrape by the Bears.  Either way, it's Falcons or Bears versus Brady, and he will stomp.  Guy's a winning machine.  The only one with big enough balls to stand up to him and take him to the cleaners is Mr. Manning, and he done.

518 points on the board.  14-2 overall.  8-0 at home.  65 touchdowns.  All league bests. Their net points were 57 greater than the second place team.  But they say defense wins championships.  Good luck keeping up with that shit!  Jets, Steelers and Ravens can't. Packers can't.  Cutler won't.  Maybe the Falcons, but...

(Just in case this is beginning to seem skewed, buck up!  I'm a Dolphins fan, therefore, I hate the Patriots.  We play them tough every year, but this year, they beat the shit out of us.)

Short Answer: Your Superbowl Champion New England Patriots! (Yarf!)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Question: Why do we have New Year's resolutions? And why do we never follow through with them?

We have them because people hate themselves.  The reason they don't follow through with them, is because it's one last ditch effort to not hate yourself, but it takes a lifetime to build up that kind of hate.  How can one be expected to overcome that in just a year?

If you wanted something to change, you'd wake up and change it.  If you want to put off change, you set a date in the future.  The reason this type of shit doesn't work is because people are setting themselves up for failure.  They know it's bullshit, they know they aren't going to follow through, they just can't admit it to themselves.  Quite simply, New Year's resolutions are the most popular of this type of procrastinating, fake-deadline-making bullshittery, because you're protected by the fact that other people are making up a bunch of bullshittery at the same time and you can hide your ass in the pack.

But at the end of the day you're left alone, crying snot bubbles into your brownie earthquake ice cream.

Short Answer:  People do things to be like other people, because they can't face themselves.  Happy New Year, everybody!

Question: If all Disney characters can talk, why is Pluto just a dog?

My long answer for this is that every single person who has ever worked in animation or for an animation company smokes reefer.  Weed.  The Chronic.  How else could you put up with those long ass days and all the back pain?

But I think we both know (wink-wink) what the real answer is...

Short Answer:  He's retarded.  (No offense to any real dogs out there that are mentally handicapped.)