Saturday, December 31, 2011

Question: Seriously?

No. Never. Never ever. Only when someone close to us dies and we're already out of 'too soon' jokes is there sometimes, very rarely, a little tiny window, where everyone collectively whistles an in taken breath, preparing to once again, with the following exhale, loose levity on the whole of the world in all its harshest, most sarcastic, most joyous, most righteous, most well-meaning glory.

Short Answer: Seri-ocity is for the shitheels and the ne'er do wells, the gleamers and the razzers, the losers and the bluesers, the affected and the ineffectual, the reachers and the holding on too tightliers. Shit's gotta be funny. It's just gotta.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Question: ‎Which 2011 resolutions did you...resolute, which didn't you?

I'm not one for making resolutions because in our society they are akin to a weak suggestion. It is normal for people to break them. It's almost an excuse, in fact, to get around giving your word about something by calling it a 'resolution'. So instead, I just say I'm going to fail at everything, and end up pleasantly surprised without feeling like a douche who went back on his word. I overachieved in 2011.

Here's what I managed this year.

Didn't kill a child.
Didn't swear at an old lady.
Avoided gonorrhea (three years running)
Didn't feel any one's wang while sitting inappropriately in their lap
Didn't tell a member of my family to go fuck themselves
Didn't kick a single human
Was a graceful loser, while secretly justifying the loss by deciding competition is dumb
Didn't vomit
Ate more fibre
Played less video games
Wrote some fuckin' books

Short Answer: This year, I'll probably stink it up pretty bad. Here's to not hoping, and a pleasantly surprised 2012!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Question: Why are turnips food?

If you ask me they aren't. Wait, of course you're asking me. Well, now that I've gathered myself sufficiently, I'd like to confirm that turnips suck and are shitty. They're just a soft, kinda off color, weird potato. They also seem to go into things, like stews full of root vegetables, where they are unnecessary. When I have meat and carrots and potatoes on my fork, I'm good. I don't need your soft ass.

If you really need something white that adds flavor to your business, use a parsnip, tool.

Short Answer: I like to switch out the classic potato and carrot combo for sweet potato and parsnip. (This seemed somehow insufficient as an answer, so I'll relay a story. One time a friend of mine came over and I cooked him supper. He said, "It's like god laid a cream pie in my mouth." I miss him around the holidays. That last part was genuine. I suppose the whole thing is 'genuine' as in true, I just mean there wasn't any sarcasm...you know what?  You're getting turnips for supper!)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Question: Why should electricity be told what to do?

'Cause if you don't train him he might do his business indoors and then you'll have static on the carpet.

Short Answer: You people are friggin' crazy.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Question: Lemon?

The citrus fruit? Yes.

The state of my automobile? No.

The song by U2? Yes.

In my Hendricks Gin? A little.

In my cola? Definitely.

In my eye? Only during sex.

In my tea? If I'm sick.

In your face? All day, baby.

Short Answer: Scurvy? Damn right.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Question: What REALLY happened on the journey of the three Magi?

Three magi walk into a barn.

Magi the First: Wow, what the fuck is going on here?

Magi the Second: Holy shit, is that lady having a kid?

Magi the Third: Looks like a damn balloon's comin' out of her. Is that what it always looks like?

Magi the First: See, Carl, this is what happens when you follow a fucking star around. You end up dealing with some crazy homeless hippies crappin' out kids in a friggin' manger.

Magi the Second: Oh, shut it. You're the one who wanted to go out to get tree sap.

Magi the Third: I did too!

Magi the Second. Go to hell, Stephen. Come out of the closet already.

Magi the Third: You're the one carrying gold around like it's some sort of status thing.

Magi the Second: I thought we might go to the market, okay?

Magi the First: Why is it around your neck, then, huh? You're not good at rapping, you know.

Magi the Second: Hurtful words, jerkface.

Magi the First: You know what, fuck this, I'm going home. I just got the new Night Court box set for Christmas.

Short Answer: This took twenty nine hours of research, but I think I nailed it. To a cross! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Question: Where does Iron Man pee?

On your mom's arched back.

He's not in the suit all the time. He probably pees in a toilet. I must have missed that issue where they go into detail about the Stark tech needed to recycle his urine so he can always be hydrated. I bet that was a good one, where the villain was...dun dun dun...logistics!

Short Answer: Wherever he wants!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Question: What terrible circumstance drove someone to dream up the unicycle?

I'd like to think it was an old black and white cartoon, with the fat guy and the skinny guy, where they stop their bicycle built for two somewhere they shouldn't, like on the train tracks, and then the trains goes by and they're both left with just unicycles. Then some marketing wiz was like, "Looka that, see. We can make thousands of dollars, see? We'll call it the single cycle, see!" Then that guy was fired and the ad wizards of the company came up with unicycle.

That or the commies invented it.

Short Answer: It might have been invented by the Clowning Guild because they didn't have any actual skills. And no, balloon animals isn't a skill, it's an entertainment abortion. Here, kid, do nothing with this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Question: Figgy pudding or Christmas cake?

I only vaguely know what these things are, and the answer here is simple. There are so many wonderful things to stuff down your gullet during the holidays that if you have to resort to any sort of fruit cake you are really fucking up.

I guess if I'm forced to choose it would be figgy pudding, just based on the fact that it isn't a heavily iced cake with dried fruit. There are a few nuances, and hopefully, some moisture. Also, figgy pudding is in a Christmas carol, whereas Christmas cake, hopefully, is in the garbage.

Short Answer: Christmas for me is about savory foods. Like gravy.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Question: How can I tell, before she is born, if my unborn daughter is the anti-christ?

Easy. The anti-christ is a dude, so your daughter can't be him. We may have equal opportunity and equality up here, but Hell's a little backward.

Short Answer: Is your wife still alive? Probably not the anti-christ, then. Anti-christs have a tendency to chew their way out through the lower back.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Question: A racist, an agnostic and a pelican walk into a bar... then what?

A racist, an agnostic and a pelican walk into a bar. The racist turns to the pelican and says, "Hey? Aren't you the pelican from The Flintstones TV show?" The pelican abashedly nods his head in the affirmative

The three sit at the bar, side by side by side.

The barkeep approaches.  "What'll you have?"

The racist says, "I'll have anything, as long as it has no mixed colors."

The agnostic says, "I don't know what I want."

The pelican says, "I don't care what you give me, as long as it isn't human feces."

Short Answer: Boooom Yaahg!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Question: What is the minimum amount of time before it is okay to interrupt a stupid story? How should I do it?

Fucking immediately. Like between, 'Do you want to' and 'hear a story?' Instincts are never wrong. Do you really ever make a snap judgement and then later think back and go, "I guess I was wrong?" Fuck no. Tell everyone to shut up all the time. They're idiots.

The method is up to you, but I like naying, braying and punching, 'cause they all rhyme.  Naying, as in yelling something in the negative. Nope, nine, no sir, anything like that as long as it's loud and abrupt. Braying is a good choice. Ee-yah! Ee-yah! That'll shut 'em up. And punching. Making a fist (thumb on the outside, ladies) and jamming it into some talky-talks jugular bone and watching his eyes bulge like a cartoon wolf who's just seen a sexy cartoon lady wolf is very rewarding and effective.

Short Answer: The funny thing is, most people don't even know what's worthy of being called a story. There are less stupid stories than there are stupid people whiffing on stories. I tend to go with a strict policy of ignoring the shit out of anyone who opens their mouth, pretty much.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Question: Did you see the new Miley Cyrus sex tape?

Even though this was a question posted to me on twitter by someone undoubtedly trying to take over my computer, steal my identity and give me some sort of de-penising virus, I'm gonna answer it anyway.

No, I haven't seen it. She's a kid for Christ's sake. And even if she isn't a kid anymore, she's a kid for Christ's sake. A stupid, loud mouthed, maladjusted child, who probably shouldn't be allowed out without a chastity belt, let alone be in control of hormones, testicles and a camera.

I see enough of celebrities in my 'peripheral' vision, I don't need to be watching them read, pee or doin' it.  I don't get a kick out of watching someone in their private time; think about what you do in your private time.

Exactly.

Short Answer: I would, however, despite all I've said, watch the Billy Ray Cyrus sex tape.  You know the one where he surprisingly plays top with a surly Trace Adkins.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Question: If you could describe your last dump with the title of a movie, what movie would that be?

Here comes a Top Twenty!

Top Twenty Movie Titles for My Dumps

20) Hamburger Hill
19) Run Silent Run Deep
18) The Prestige
17) Hugo Pool
16) Throw Momma From the Train
15) Backfield in Motion
14) The Big Red One
13) Children of a Lesser God
12) The Hitcher
11) Black Swan
10) Meatballs
9) Bringing Up Baby
8) Bad News Bears
7) Blood and Chocolate
6) Heat
5) The Hurricane
4) Brown Bunny
3) Dragonslayer
2) The Green Mile
1) Romancing the Stone

Short Answer: I'm not sure what it says about me as a person, but I could probably do this all day.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Question: Ok, so an earth-like planet was recently discovered about 600 light-years away from here. That got me thinking - what if it was only 4 or 5 light years away? Would we, as a civilization muster the will to develop the technology to travel there? What if there was evidence of a civilization that close by? What do you think Keith?

Exciting day. I think we have a new longest question of all time. This question took me five light years to read. What? Light years isn't a measure of time? What about space time? Oh yeaa...no, not that either? Okay.

Would we muster the will? At this point, it seems more about the dollars, because even if we did muster the will, we'd have to get the space program up and running again and it would still take us a long time to put together a five to ten year voyage. Look at Gilligan; that was supposed to be a three hour tour. Things should be measured in Gilligans. How long is the hockey game usually? Oh, about a Gilligan, unless there's overtime. A Gilligan and one or two Mary Anns.

If there was a civilization on said planet I have to believe we'd be on it like accolades on Jerry Rice. That's a different matter. That's changing the course of human existence for sure, whereas a manned flight to an empty planet could be a bust. It might seem habitable from here, but there could be a ton of weird monsters that need to breathe blood to live.

Short Answer: We'd be like canisters of oxygen to those fucks. They'd strap us on their backs to go diving.



Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Question: Underrated Christmas ornaments?

I'll assume because you used the word ornament that you don't mean decorations and are specifically referring to the tree.

The answer is beads, strings of them, or strings of popcorn are also acceptable. They give a fancy oldie time feel. You wrap the string of beads around the tree like garland. If you use garland as well, you can offset the color of the beads to make a theme. Blue beads, white garland, or whatever colors you like.

Also, in terms of ornamentation, you could go with raw meat. I like to pair my raw meat with soft poached eggs.

Toilet paper and Halloween masks? You bet.

If you did mean general decorations, I think the most underrated decoration is presents. I find an aggressive stance of acceptance in terms of consumerism really adds a lot to holiday enjoyment. I like to have so many presents lying around that I have to kill puppies to get to my raw meat tree.

Short Answer: Underrated ornament? Bobble head.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Question: Why are dragons represented as either evil or wise? How come there's no middle ground?

What, you looking for a dragon with a bad case of malaise? An Eeyore with wings? An apathetic fire breather?

How about a teen angst dragon with dyed-black hair over one eye?

Maybe a game show host dragon with one of those thin microphones?

Holy shit, we're through the looking glass here people. I think I just lost my dragon mind.

Short Answer: (Sings a song in gibberish, alone in his house, naked, sweaty.)

Monday, December 12, 2011

Question: Why do we put a star on top of our Christmas Tree?

You remember the three wise men? Or shepherds who got lost? What were their names? Gold, Frank and Mir or something. Yea, it's cause of the star they followed to find some poor people having a kid in some hay surrounded by filthy animals.

Did you get that I was talking about Jesus? Congratulatorio! (That was my attempt at making a Dora the Explorer joke, but I don't speak Mexican.)

I have a few other theories. At the top of trees there is sky, and stars are in the sky.
...
Well, I had one other theory.

I put Iron Man on top of my tree.

Short Answer: Some people do angels. Not do do angels. Not doo-doo angels. Arghh! (If this post were a poem and it needed a title, I would call it Doo-Doo Angels.)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Question: The holidays are quickly approaching. What do you think of people dropping Christmas for political correctness?

I think it sucks a black midget's balls, that's what I think. Political correctness, in general, can wipe its ass with poison oak. Every black person, little person, Mexican person, handicapped person etc. that I know who has any worth as a human being thinks political correctness is fucking stupid. It may be the exact opposite of a sense of humour. And without a sense of humour you're just a bag of stupidity waiting to be judged, besides the fact you will only ever get laid by other people of your ilk, and let me tell you, the pc crowd ain't the best in the sack.

We took Christ out of Christmas a long time ago, when we turned the holiday into consumer Hell.  Christ didn't ride a fucking reindeer and whip presents at anyone like a deranged, sandaled paperboy.  Christmas is the name of the holiday. You don't change the name of something because it offends some dillholes. You leave it the fuck alone so all of us worthy humans with some humour can enjoy the traditions and nostalgia the title embodies.

I love Christmas. I love the word and everything about it. I love the spirit of it all. If you don't want to call it Christmas then don't.  Call it Super Happy Unreligious Day or Cockfest, whatever. You don't have to ruin it for the rest of us by being offended. Grow a pair. You don't like things being taken away from you, do you? And what kind of person gets satisfaction from forcing their beliefs on people?

Oh yea. Hitler.

Short Answer: Hitler.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Question: If looks could kill they probably will. Games without frontiers or war without tears?

Holy crap a Peter Gabriel question!

I'm gonna go with games without frontiers 'cause it's more plausible, but in stop motion like the Sledgehammer video.

Short Answer: Phil Collins is not Genesis.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Question: What happens when your car won't start?

You ask yourself a question on your blog and then you answer with swearing.

Short Answer: Fuckshitballsasstitscockdicksmoreshits.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Question: My husband loves strippers. Is there a way I can put a stop to his shenanigans?

Here's the flowchart.

Do strippers make him happy? If yes, leave him alone.
Does he fuck the strippers? If no, leave him alone.
Does he spend all your families money on strippers? If no, leave him alone.
Does he refuse to make love to you because you don't look like a stripper? If yes, lose a few pounds, fatty.
Does he call you Mindy, or Cindy, or Candy while he's fucking you? If yes, that might not be your name.
Are the strippers dudes? If yes, he might be gay.
Is watching a girl take her clothes off and rub up against stuff really all that bad? If yes, this is your problem, not his.
Do you really think he doesn't love you just because he enjoys seeing other naked ladies? If yes, then there's probably something else wrong with your relationship. Most likely lack of communication.  For example...Why do you go see strippers? 'Cause it's fun. Does that mean you don't love me? No. Oh, good.

Short Answer: You don't go out for steak if you have a cow at home, but you might want purple drink instead of milk, once in awhile.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Question: Does meow mix really deliver?

No. Most over the counter pet food is full of awful crap. I don't mean to get preachy, here (affixes white collar), but you need to do a shit load of research to figure out how to properly feed your cat or dog or whatever. Think about how bad the government is about regulating the food that we eat, then multiply that by a factor of they don't give a shit about pets.

Short Answer: At this point, I wouldn't even be surprised if soylent green was made from people.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Question: What is the best way to recall a lost traumatic experience?

Have it happen again.

Like, find an uncle and lay naked on his bed. Or attack a shark.

Short Answer: Just start choking on anything. You've probably almost choked once.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Question: Are pickles important? Why?

Anything that's shaped liked a penis is important for comedy fodder.

Here's an example. "That guy looks salty, like he just got off a boat." "Yea, and I'll bet he's got a briny dick-pickle."

Also, pren-gant women seem to like pickles a lot, or at least that's the myth. I'm skeptical, to tell the truth; I think they're probably craving a penis. They've already established they like the hobby horse 'cause they got themselves im pren-gated. I'd go so far as to say one can assume any pregnant woman is a total whore.

I whore digress. Pickles are important to sandwiches and hamburgers, and sandwiches and hamburgers are a big deal. I rest my dick-pickle.

Short Answer: Cucumbers are evil.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Question: Where do flowers go in the summer?

I think I've finally been stumped. Or a blind person learned how to type. Is this a translation issue? They 'go' in the garden. They don't pee and they don't leave, so that's pretty much all I've got. Was this a typo and you meant to ask where they go in the winter?

That's easier. Hell.

Short Answer: When I do the abstraction it works out, but when the abstraction comes flying at me like a bag of rabbit droppings, things get a little scattered around here.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Question: What's with all the different kinds of apples?

Nature attempts to confuse us in many ways. Birds seem cool, but then they shit on you. Little dogs are adorable, then they open their little dog mouths and yappery emerges. Horses are resentful. It goes on and on. You think trees don't pay attention? They do.

Many apples is simply nature's way of making your trip to the market a hayride through hell. They give you the Granny Smith as a central, guiding force, but then you're all like, "But it's the only green one!"

What does it all mean? Only whales know.

Short Answer: Just go with the Fuji, man. Trust me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Question: What flavor is Mountain Dew?

Well, obviously, it's unicorn piss.  But I assume you're suggesting there's more to it, so I'll oblige.  As you know, unicorn piss is rarely carbonated, so there's also a trace of pig afterbirth.

Short Answer: Pork Soda!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Question: My wife is experiencing Breckin Meyer contractions... any advice?

I had the idea of answering this question with a shitload of puns from other actors that have been in movies with Breckin Meyer, but then I realized, that he hasn't ever been in anything good (except Can't Hardly Wait) and I couldn't make a decent pun with Peter Facinelli though I did Jennifer Love Hewitt the approach and was Seth Green with envy that I...you get the idea.

So instead, I'll just answer the question. You should punch pregnant women in their bellies. Overpopulation is a problem and if I've said it before I've said it a thousand times, punching women in the stomach is funny and nobody does it. When someone gets punched in the stomach, everybody laughs. Abortion clinics are one of the funniest places on earth. Combine the two? Comedy dynamite.

I really wanted to end this answer with an amazing name/medical term joke, but the best I could come up with was a Cesar Romero section, and I don't think he was in any movies with Breckin Meyer. But he was the Joker, so...

Short Answer: I'm really glad I Stacy Dash-ed away from this pun answer. It would have been Paul Rudd of me to start it and bail out. Also, Breckin Meyer contractions aren't a pun, so I'd have to research a bunch of medical conditions and find names that sort of sounded like them and match them with actors. Yarf.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Question: My friend contends that he can headbutt his way through concrete. How can I make sure he tries it?

Your 'friend' is obviously a fucking idiot, so I assume a carrot stapled to the other side of the wall would do it. Or just tell him there's self-tanning lotion on the other side. Or a sale on body glitter. Or a bunch of shirts with pre-popped collars. Or young girls with questionable hygiene around their lady parts due to promiscuous unprotected sex. Wait, maybe I can headbutt through walls...

Short Answer: Is headbutt through walls a metaphor here? Did I just get trapped in a sex with virgins type scenario?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Question: What position would a pregnant woman play in your ideal football line-up? Why?

I guess the obvious choice here is offensive lineman, because the lady's so fat. But I don't know how good her footwork will be with all that baby dump in her gullet. 

Fullback is funny. Let her run the ball in short yardage situations, 'cause if she gets hit just right, she plunges over the first down line, but the baby plunges out the other end. That's funny.

I suppose she could be QB, but only if she has the baby at the line of scrimmage, drops back, and throws a newborn rocket for an 18-yard pick up.

I've got it. She can play cornerback, and when she lines up against the star receiver, instead of hand fighting at the line, she just nags and complains the guy into not bothering with his route.

"I'll do it later," whined Braylon Edwards.

Short Answer: If you've ever met a pregnant woman, they can pretty much play wherever they want. Are you going to try and stop them? Do you have a chocolate covered pickle?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Question: What do you miss?

Wow. That's a big question.

How big? Ten big.

Top Ten Things I Miss

10) Crush Birch Beer
9) The trepidation of a junior high dance
8) Doing things before I was supposed to do them in life
7) Humpty Dumpty Cheese Sticks
6) The invincibility of youth
5) Proper fish and chips
4) Hearing that some girl thinks I'm cute
3) Bravery, bravado and blind courage
2) Smoking
1) Being a big fish in a small pond

(Brilliant that it's all abstract concepts and food items.)


Top Ten Things I Miss (Funnier Version)

10) Jessie and the Rippers
9) George W. Bush
8) Vaccination
7) Hearing that some boy thinks I'm cute
6) Prison
5) The forties
4) Dragons
3) Original Screenplays
2) Being a stripper
1) Alf

Short Answer: I miss that thing when you're a kid, and you do something retarded and everyone thinks it's adorable. Oh, and Hitler.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Question: What do you look for in a cookie?

Soft. Soft, soft, soft. Basically the opposite of what one looks for in a penis. Not hard, not long and no fleshy taste.

I like chocolate chips, dammit. I like 'em small and well spread out, but commonplace, like you're walking through cookie park and you get to have a wonderful, peaceful journey, but at the same time, get to say hi to other park goers at regular intervals to keep your spirits up. (I'm sorry about this metaphor, I ate a cookie off the ground in a park once, leave me alone.)

I don't want nuts (again with the penis thing). Nuts can suck it (and again...)

That's about it. I like it traditional and I don't like it crumbly, and I want some chocolate chips, bitch, and not the dark kind. Fuck that. What am I, an aristocrat?

Exceptions: Cranberries. Awesome 'cause they're tart, in contrast to the cookie's sweetness. White chocolate chips. Alone, no good, but paired with a fruit or another chocolate chip, yummo. Macadamia nuts. I don't know why, but it's the only acceptable cookie nut. Snowballs. What I mean here is those things that are all fudgy and covered in coconut and they're little balls. I don't know if that's a cookie, but hells yeah.

Short Answer: Stop putting bacon in everything, assholes. Ha, ha, bacon tastes good in everything! Durf! Not true. Salt tastes good in everything. Salty plus sweet tastes good. Bacon is carved off of a fuckin' pig and is almost pure fat. Would you want big chunks of lard in your cookie? No. Would you want steak in your cookie? No. Everybody loves bacon. You're not special.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Question: Sometimes I think my hamster is mad at me. What can I do?

First, lay the little bugger down on his belly, feet splayed out. Take two fingers and rub along the 'thigh' muscles, gently but firmly. Hamsters carry a lot of their tension in their thighs.

Another thing you can do is get the cute little fellow someone to fuck real hard.

Pay attention to what you're feeding the hamster. Hamsters don't like to eat dirt, or bits of concrete, or shards of glass.

Though they seem to be constantly asking for books on tape, they only really enjoy the ones read by Walter Cronkite, Leondard Nimoy and Angie Dickenson.

Pleading with an angry hamster can foster some fantastic results. Hamsters love to be respected and reminded that they are the true kings of the castle, not the hairless giant who talks stupidly at them.

Vodka in the water shower.

You know that spinny wheel thing? Make sure it's one with a solid base. Some of them are made like ladders that had their ends taped together. They are very hard on hamster paws, and many a hamster ankle as been shattered on these hellish devices.

Try changing its name. Hamsters don't like to be called Bubbles, Bickies, Muffin, Puffy, Mindy, Candy, Eloise or Mark.  Try something bold like The Sarengeti.

Hamsters always bet on black like Wesley Snipes. So if you're doing anything to mess that up...

Short Answer: These rules do not apply to teddy bear hamsters. They do like to eat glass.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Question: How many licks?

See, the problem with the how many licks thing is it doesn't account for the time you spend with the whole thing in your mouth. Then you need some sort of equation or algorithm to quantify how much saliva one produces and the corrosive effect it may or may not have. Also, buttcheeks.

Short Answer: I stand by my response. You know which part. (Ahem, it's the part about the buttcheeks.)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Question: Who are your top five female superheroes?

First off, let's be clear this list will be superheroines, not supervill...oines. Also, as much as I'll try to include a couple of characters that are genuinely well written, well rounded ladies, I'll instead make most of my picks because of boobs.

(As I was compiling my list, I realized I had a pretty 50/50 DC/Marvel split going on, with very few characters from anywhere else, so I've decided to do a top five DC and a top five Marvel.)

Top Five Marvel Superheroines

5) Black Widow Natasha Romanoff first appeared in Tales of Suspense #52 in 1964, created by this guy you've never heard of, Stan Lee. She was originally a Soviet spy, playing bad guy to Iron Man (the superhero who'd be at the top of my top five superheroes list), but eventually defected to become a part of the Avengers. To me, being a Russian super soldier, she's always kind of been like a female Captain America, but strong, sexy and dominant. Wait, Captain America is all those things as well; especially sexy. She did some solid comic book work with another of my favorites, Daredevil, and in modern comics plays a big roll in a lot of SHIELD stuff, which is a cool espionage-y contrast to the superhero doings of the Marvel universe.

4) Shadow Cat When it comes to strong, well constructed female characters, look no further than the X-Men. Though Shady didn't appear until 1980 in Uncanny X-Men #129, she has left an indelible mark on many comic book readers. For me, I read one of her earliest crossovers (with Spider-Man) when I was a kid, and always thought fondly of the character, then called only Kitty Pryde. Later, when Joss Whedon created his excellent Astonishing X-Men series, my passion for her was ignited.

3) Spider-Woman Perhaps one of the more misunderstood characters by non-comic book readers,  let me be not the first to tell you, Spider-Woman has nothing to do with Spider-Man. Well, that's a little steep, there have been quiet a few spider people of the feminine ilk, but I'm talking about the original, Jessica Drew, who first appeared in Marvel Spotlight #32 in 1977. The reason I love Spider-Woman is thanks to Brian Michael Bendis, who brought her back for his New Avengers. Jessica is the almost typical strong female, but with her penchant for altered alliances and secret motivations, there always seems to be something boiling under the surface. Also, hot.

2) Rogue Avengers Annual #10, 1981 is when Rogue debuted, and may be the best thing Chris Claremont did for the Marvel Universe, or at least the X-Men. Another female character who started out as a villain (Trend?), Rogue absorbed Ms. Marvel's powers and became an X-Man. Big boobs plus southern accent = very excited little boy, and that excitement has never waned. I've always liked Rogue, for no reason other than that I like Rogue. Plus, she's kinda the X-Men's Superman, and anybodies Superman is better than actual Superman.

1) Emma Frost It took me awhile to come around on Emma, but I think of her now as the most complex and well developed character in the Marvel universe, though sadly I think a lot of people like her because of her bosom baring costume. She debuted in Uncanny X-Men #129 in 1980, and for the most part, has been a villain, associated with the Hellfire Club and known as the White Queen. But I feel comfortable including her for her foray into goodiness now seems complete. She's smart, dry and bold, and stands up for what she believes in. And knockers. And telepathy and diamond hard skin. And knockers.

Top Five DC Superheroines

5) Zatanna Hot, hot, hot. For the most part, fishnet stockings is why Zatanna is on this list. She debuted in Hawkman #4 in 1964, and has been backwards talking her way into our hearts ever since. But pure hotness doesn't get you on this list. I remember her playing a rather crucial role in a certain Crisis like event, where somebodies wife got attacked and then Batman was there...I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's awesome! Mindwipe!

4) Saturn Girl Adventure Comics #247 in 1958. More nostalgia, for me, because the Legion of Superheroes was the first comic I ever read, and Saturn Girl was the best character from the word go. Another telepath, her resume is extensive after being around for so many years, but she's always been the moral center of the Legion. Also, I dig her silly Saturn emblemed costume.

3) Mera She doesn't deserve to be on the list, not really. She's here because she's Aquaman's super hot mer-wife. Originally introduced in Aquaman #11 in 1963, she has gone on to bigger and badder things then being a stay at sea wife, but honestly, I don't care. She's a buxom redhead who validates Aquaman's awesomeness and his ability to catch a hot lady rather than fish.

2) Liberty Belle Again, the nostalgia factor. All-Star Squadron was one of the first series I ever read a full arc of, and Liberty Belle' s costume alone grabbed my attention forever. Boy Commandos #1 in 1943 was apparently her first appearance, though All-Star Squadron was where the character began for me. Hard to explain or even justify this one; I just always think of her fondly. She was a leader and she beat some ass, which helps.

1) Wonder Woman This may be a surprise to some, but  I love Wonder Woman. I love her nonsensical powers and her stupid costume and her stupider backstory. Appearing for the first time in All Star Comics #8 in 1941, Wonder Woman as been breastplating us into submission since that day. For me, Wonder Woman is part of my childhood, but she isn't a pure nostalgia choice. I have a theory, you see, that both Superman and Wonder Woman shine when they are  in the Big Three (the other member being Batman of course, who needs no help to shine). Something about those three together allows the differences in their personalities to become more evident. Standing next to Superman and Batman, Wonder Woman's character and motivations become clear, and that makes her likeable. So if you've written her off, go find a few arcs of JLA where you get to see her butt heads with the big boys. You may find you agree with her often. She likes to take care of business.

Short Answer: Spent. Out.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Question: Pizza is a vegetable. Discuss.

Geez, at least put a question mark... I'm starting to feel like a trained ape.

Pizza is not a fucking vegetable. America is crazy. They don't give a fuck about children and want them to die of fat. If this is the kind of batshit insane poo we can get away with now, then carrots are dildos, Brody isn't a closeted gay man's name and my balls aren't too long.

Short Answer: I love pizza and am disgusted by this 'cause when I eat pizza, it ain't for the vegetables, baby.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Question: Why aren't you more famous?

I know, right?

But seriously, being creative is its own reward. Oh, hold on, I almost choked on my own bullshit. As I was saying...

Short Answer: I'm not quite as good looking as Brad Pitt, I guess.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Question: Be poetic. Go.

Not really a question, but...

Let me have a word with ways
and
I will find some answers squared

(I was kinda feeling it so I came back to this for one more.)

So nightmadly grinning
I sweep down the alleys
Picking up tips for my plight on the way

Short Answer: Boo-Yag! Double Boo-Yag!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Question: Handshake, slapping five, or a hearty 'what-up!' which is the best way to greet my daughter when she's born?

I'd think a handshake is probably the way to go. You'll most likely want to keep it formal, after all, you've just met. You don't want to come off as presumptuous. The baby will not know that you are going to be the one responsible for feeding and housing it; in fact, it's just gone through a very traumatic experience because the tube that connects to his stomach that gives him yum-yums has been savagely severed from his body.

On the other vagina, he has passed through and beyond your wife's holiest of holies, and I like to slap a down low five with every dude who bangs my wife. To say that my hand is sore would be an understatement, on that front.

"What-up" is not a bad choice either. It's like the corduroy blazer of first impressions. It can be dressed up, or dressed down and it says, 'I care enough to look good, but I don't expect the lobster.'  You could also make a clicking sound in your cheek, the veritable 'turtle-neck under the blazer' of social interaction.

Another way to go, if I may step outside the box (as your newborn has so recently done), is a hearty nod, to signify in a direct way that you are pleased whit the babies arrival, and may be willing in the future to engage in some sort of parley about the new situation. It's authoritative, but not pushy.

Short Answer: If we want to be funny, here, I'd go with yelling questions. "Who are you! What do you want! Look what you did!"

Friday, November 18, 2011

Question: How do dragons do it?

One dragon lays an egg, then the other dragon comes along and shits on it.

Short Answer: I didn't get much sleep last night.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Question: On the topic of domestication - which animals would you like to domesticate? Why?

Anything that I domesticate I would like to be a secret domestication, for impact.

"Holy shit!  Is that a wolf?"
"Yes. Yes it is."

Besides wolves, I think spiders would be great domesticated pets. You could play spider fetch, and scare that lady to death.  Also any large cats that could 'accidentaly' hugkill an annoyance.

"Sorry, officer, Puma Albert was just looking for love."
"You named your puma Puma Albert?"
"Fuck you, copper!"

Dolphins would be cool, but then you'd have to wheel around a bathtub all the time. Lame. Elephants would be great, but they're so big and I saw that video where a guy's head goes entirely into an elephant's butt and I'd be afraid that would happen to my head.

Domesticated python. Funny to watch a snake go to the bathroom, especially after he sniffs at the ground and the base of the tree for like five minutes.  Just do it already, Python Steve!

Short Answer: I'd like to domesticate homeless people.  More because of the irony than the insensitivity.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Question: How does one domesticate a Yeti? Time is a factor...

What most people don't understand is that a Yeti can be reasoned with. But due to the language barrier, if time is a factor reasoning is out the window. Or as Yetis say: over there.

The key to domesticating a Yeti is dealing with the quantities of pee and poop. I suggest a crash course in toilet use. One way to get the Yeti to use the toilet is to plant a tree in your bathroom, but I also find leaving Yeti friendly magazines near the toilet can encourage a good sit down BM. Mags such as Rock and Garden, Sub-Zero Sluts and Feet work well, though if you have attempted to domesticate the informed Yeti, I'd probably go with something more like The Yeti Economist.

Now that you've dealt with the pee and poop problem, it's time to teach your Yeti some fucking manners. I adhere to a strict regimen of beatings, followed by hands on hips posturing to show your big friend that you will not be intimidated by his size nor the fact that he's at the top of the food chain and you're a prey item. In this house, man is apex predator, buddy.

Do not leash your Yeti. I repeat. No matter how bad the domestication process is going, you do not want to be dragged behind a stampeding Yeti. This is especially important if you have Yetis of the opposite sex in your neighborhood. A Yeti will tear off your arm without a single thought if he smells that musty tang on the air.

My last piece of advice is be patient (or in this case, hurry up) and enjoy the process. When it's time for war, you'll be glad to have a Yeti to ride.


Short Answer: Good luck, god speed, and enjoy your new Himalayan compatriot!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Question: In your world, is it women and children first, or beards first?

In my world, you aren't much of a woman or a child if you don't have a beard, so it's all pretty much moot.

Short Answer: I like boobs more than beards, especially on my face.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Question: Can you tell me about H.P. Lovecraft, his writing, and some of your favourite works of his that have been turned into movies?

My pleasure. Howard Phillips Lovecraft was an American Horror writer most famous for his Cthulu Mythos stories and the creation of the fictional book of the dead, the Necronomicon. Lovecraft is credited by many modern horror writers as a major influence, including Stephen King, and has grown to become, along with Edgar Allen Poe, the name most synonymous with American Horror literature.

He was also kind of a weirdo. Though he is now held in high-esteem, he was a poor man, who never made much money as a writer, lived separately from his wife and was by most accounts an astounding racist - though in his defense it was the style at the time.  He only lived to the age of 47, doing most of his famous short story work in the last decade or so of his life.  He died of cancer, though his health had been periodically bad throughout his entire life, and there is some concern of an almost psychosomatic degradation, culminating in the effect the suicide of his friend and correspondent Robert E. Howard (creator of Conan) may or may not have had on him.

Though he wrote poetry frequently throughout his life, Lovecraft is most well known for his short fiction work. His tone, mood and distinctly literary characteristics make for an experience unlike any other in Horror fiction, and he is my personal favorite teller of scary stories. His recurring themes of 'elder gods' and man's inability to handle the truths of the universe are matched by his baser, simpler stories of man's paranoia and unfounded fear of the mundane. Or is it unfounded?

My favorites are The Dunwich Horror, The Color Out of Space, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Silver Key and The Whisperer in Darkness.  To go into detail about the quality of these works would take a book unto itself.

His tales of the macabre are the tits, but like most author's efforts, when words are turned into films, it no work so good. Re-Animator is the best by far, a wonderfully fun and demented little flick. I also like Dagon, despite its b-movie qualities and From Beyond because of its b-movie qualities. The Necronomicon has shown up in various pieces of cinema over the years, probably most notably in Sam Raimi's Evil Dead films. Both In the Mouth of Madness and The Thing by John Carpenter are great films that are heavily laced with Lovecraft's particular doings.

Short Answer: Lovecraft is everywhere you look, nowadays. Every creative medium has been infected. What have we done?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Question: Can you write a short blurb about Remembrance Day which includes a dick or fart joke that also manages to remain tasteful?

Remembrance Day is a day to remember. And don't forget dicks and farts.

Short Answer: Remaining tasteful is very subjective. Like the all-male inner city porno New New Jack City. (Directed by Mario Van Peeholes and starring Chris Cock, but somehow not starring Cuba Boning Jr.)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Question: When people say something was done 'by design' what do they mean?

The term refers to the television show Designing Women, and its portly, rotund, fat, pudgy star Delta Burke. Basically, 'by design' means 'the way Delta Burke would do it.'

Like, "That whole pig looks that way be design" means "Delta Burke made the pig that way so she could drink it down like a milkshake."

Basically, this whole answer is one big fat joke about Delta Burke, and I don't even know if anyone out there remembers who Delta Burke is, so I'm kinda walking a fat line on this one.

Let's try again. 'By design' means a gay guy did it. No? Really? Okay.

'By design' means god did it. Still no?

Gay god? Yes? Yes.

(I was going to add a picture here as a special treat. The joke was going to be something huge and fat, and I would label it 'Delta Burke' but when I looked up pictures for 'fat monster' on the Internet, I just found a bunch of dicks. Bail.)

Short Answer: Gay god gives the best back rubs.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Question: Can you write a poem about revenge?

Here goes. From the top of the ole bean.

I Am Become Vengeance vs. I Am Become Death

by Keith Kennedy


Silly, that.
Do I not encompass you?
Balk if you must, for death can be cleansing.
Do I not stick with you?
Is there not the coldness of absolutes in the slimy gullet of all
irreproachable action?
Am I not jealous of your ability to walk away smooth?
Small price for complete revenge, life blood.
And yet, should it be you, bringer of ends, who takes on that risk?
Who turns with aching fingers dug into your back?
And where, between our aligned feet, does the line set itself?
Can you go back? From either, can you go back?
Death, no.
Vengeance, it depends on the lust of the crime,
for it must match intent, must equal the passions of the devourer.

I saw her, you know, hands in hair, strap slipping down fleshy shoulder,
collarbone pronounced by pinkish blood hue.
I saw her.

I have not the words. Nor the inclination to argue further.
Become, destroyer, become.

Short Answer: For those who care (Mom) I just got nominated for a Pushcart Prize for poetry. I'm kind of a big deal, now, so you'll have to read this blog with tiny, pretentious glasses perched on the edge of your nose. My bad.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Question: Why are you such a hard ass?

When I was little, I had to punch my way out of a shark. I could've used one of the license plates in the shark's stomach to hack my way out, but at an early age I knew not to be a pussbag.

When I was a little older I got bitten by a Sydney funnel web spider. Without any ability to suck the poison out myself, nor the knowledge to understand whether or not that would even work, I was forced to will the spider's venom out of my body.

And one time my Mom put the wrong number of candles on my birthday cake. If that doesn't form a man, I don't know what does.

Short Answer: I'm pretty sure that in most physical contests I could at least draw with a dinosaur.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Questions: Where are all the single ladies?

Bingo parlors. Funerals. Nursing stations. Canadian Football League Away Games. Gay bars. Fantasy and Science-Fiction conventions. Libraries. Non-nude beaches.

You get the picture. If you don't, you're an idiot. Single ladies are everywhere; if you think they aren't, it's because you suck and can't attract a mate. More of them won't up your percentages as much as you think. You need to figure out where you are.

Fag.

No, but seriously, once you have confidence in yourself and can rock the mike with a few jokes, display some self-assurance, the single ladies will come crawling out of the woodwork like the zombies in Thriller, the only difference being Vincent Price won't be narrating. That will be the only difference.

(Was anyone offended by my use of the word fag? I didn't really mean gay people. I like gay people. They give good blowies.)

So put on a dapper hat, stop being a little girl, and go be a more interesting person. It really is that simple. Doubt is your greatest enemy. There is someone for everyone, and in my experience, a few more than that if you know what I'm saying. Just be yourself and the world will open up like a dew coated, blossoming flower/vagina.

Short Answer: There are also single ladies at the bar, but unless you want skankitis, it's not the way to go. Though it is a great place to get blown in the bathroom by a gay dude. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Monday, November 7, 2011

Question: Chicken or the egg?

I'm going to interpret this in a couple of different ways.

1) The Evolutionary Way: The chicken came first. It may have been a dinosaur or a fishchicken at first, but there's no animal called an egg that would have evolved into a chicken. Reproduction happens after production.

2) The Tasty Way: Egg beats (PUN!) chicken 'cause it's so versatile. Yes, chicken is versatile in its own way, but that's because it takes on the flavors of other things easily. An egg imparts flavor and texture and can also be used as a binding agent.

3) The Throwing Rotten Ones at a House Way: This is chickens easily. Eggs are traditional when throwing rotten food at a lousy neighbour, but rotting chickens are much more devastating in terms of overall blood and gore spray as well as property damage.

4) The Having Intercourse with it Way: Really? Does this even need to be asked? Sure, okay, you can microwave an egg and have sex with it, but it doesn't replace the kicking and screaming of an about to be raped live chicken.

5) The Painting for Easter Way: Again, surprisingly the answer here is chicken. Eggs just sit there after they've been painted. That is not nearly as entertaining or impressive as a war painted, angry chicken on the loose.

Short Answer: Which came first, your stupid face or my launched with mal-intent flying leg lariat?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Question: It's been awhile. Can you do a top ten list?

Without trying to sound argumentative or confrontational, I don't think it's been that long. You asshole.
(Goes to check)
October 17th - Top Ten Halloween Costumes this year. I guess that's awhile. But when was the last one before that?
(Goes to check)
October 14th - Top Ten Ways to Escape a Boring Conversationalist. Okay, by that gap I'd say it has been awhile. But let's check the next one.
(Goes to check - comes right back)
Just kidding!
(Wonders why he actually got up from the computer to make that joke)
So if I'm due, what do I do the list about? There really isn't much to work with in the question, not to say the question was bad. There are no bad questions, I think I've proven that. You asshole.
I'll just go ahead and write 'Top Ten' and see what happens.

Top Ten Things that Could Happen

10) I could start caring about Africa.
9) I could learn to dislike sarcasm.
8) I could quote the teachings of Friedrich Nietzsche, so I can go all the way to the dark side of boring douchiness. I could also pronounce his name carefully and accurately before and after each quote. Awesome!
7) I could bail on this Top Ten list 'cause I just got a better idea.
6) I could continue to write it.
5) I could fall madly in love with the idea of extending the joke in 6 and keep writing asinine things for the rest of this list.
4) Pee break
3) I did that thing wear I thought I might have to poop...
2) You know when you go to poop and you fart right before you sit down, and it's one of those 'I'm about to take a poop' farts so the poop is right there and then you sit down and your face is now at previous ass level and you smell the pre-poop fart and its like the thickest most fecally smelling fart you've ever farted?
1) I could go ahead and do a proper list.

Top Ten Awesomest Quotes I Like and Think are Awesome

10) "The best way to become boring is to say everything." - Voltaire
9) "Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte
8) "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." - Winston Churchill
7) "Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream." - Mark Twain
6) "You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant." - Harlan Ellison
5) "I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
4) "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
3) "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
2) "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway
1) "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss gazes back into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Short Answer: I obviously picked quotes by quotable folk. Otherwise, there would have been seven from Space Balls.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Question: Is there truly such a thing as objective, unbiased observation?

Are you fucking kidding me? We are all so wrapped up in our own bullshit and confused by everybody else's bullshit, that we see everything through a template of bullshit. As if someone had put some cheesecloth under a bull and fed that bull McDonald's and then held that bullshittery cheesecloth in front our stupid faces.

There isn't a single person I know that isn't biased about almost everything they say, usually because their motivations are selfish or secretive. Even when they are trying to be objective their minds and mouths are littered with every unresolved self-reflective thought they've had in the last week, if not every one they've had forever because they're too stupid to actually work through self reflection and improve a little.

Even observations that seem unmotivated are usually jokes or conversation starters, and those are motivated by bias. I like when people laugh, it makes me feel good about myself, so I make an observation that I find humorous.  That shit isn't objective no matter how objectively I may have formed the observation.

Here let me try. Nope, can't. Everything I think of is put through my template of what I think is worthy or interesting to talk about. Even someone as emotionless as a computer is still using bias when they speak; the bias is that they don't want to be emotional. Trying to be unbiased is like trying not to think of anything. You just think of not trying to think of anything.

Plus, you would have to have definitive facts to be objective, and most things people think of as facts are wrong; people are dumb and their memories are fickle. You would have to have facts in front of you, but then you're just spitting out an equation. If these are the facts, I think this. Well, yea, that's what one would logically surmise. Congratulations, you filled in the blank. Answering a question or solving a problem is not an observation. An observation would be something like, "I think this question is dumb."  But that's biased.

Short Answer: I think my blog is outstanding and many people should read it. Nailed it.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Question: What is the single most irksome and common mistake made by contemporary film makers?

It is tough to figure out who's at fault when cinema serves you up a big sloppy microwave dinner of plotlessness, cliched dialogue and flat, brainless characters. Usually, the middle finger is pointed at the director. This is unfair; most often when a movie falls flat, it's due to how many wangs were in the pie, not who's wang in particular did the most fucking.

I honestly believe that this, inherently, is not only the main reason movies fail, but also the one thing that should be quickly eliminated by a film director. (I'm referring to the pie fucking metaphor.) There are always going to be too many cooks in the kitchen in terms of a large-ish budget movie, but I think people's desire for collaboration goes too far.

Think of it this way. You're a director. You've got the studio breathing down your neck about money. You've got producers breathing down your neck about content. You've got some exec producer concerned their won't be enough toffy in the toffy pull scene. And depending on the writer and the source material, you may be trying to keep some one's original vision in mind. All you need is to open the floor to more collaboration.  Film makers need to put on their big boy hats and take responsibility from the word go. They're the boss.  Ultimately it is their vision that matters.

No one knows for sure, but if you think about some modern directors who's work is consistently well-received, you get the feeling from each of them that no matter who else is involved, the film is theirs. Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese, David Fincher, Clint Eastwood. The list goes on, but the reason it is so short is because some directors don't seem to get that despite every one's creative vision on the project, theirs has to be the strongest and most well-defined, and they have to stand by it when too many people start piping off.

Short Answer: I guess the answer is I hate it when I watch a movie and feel that it was helmed by a weak, douchey vag.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Question: The contention is that the meek will inherit the earth... Would you bet on them?

I wouldn't bet on the meek if they managed to piece together a bazooka out of rainbows and feelings and scatter shot jellybeans into my face.

When whoever the opposite of the meek are point their canons, they don't point them at anyone in particular. And meek people tend to stand very still, so they get killed as much if not more than everybody else. Sometimes, as much as the meek would hate to admit, especially in any tone above a cautious whisper, you gotta pick up a stick, hammer a big ol' nail into that bad boy, and take aim at some brain pan.

Now don't get me wrong. The meek have a place in our society. Who else would I intimidate, judge and push over if attacked by a giant monster/tidal wave/surprising onset of diarrhea? But as for inheriting the earth? The meek aren't here for leadership roles. And though you can claim the leading by example thing, I don't particularly get inspired by throw rugs, tame levity, or references to anything lovely.

I want things to be good. I want people to stand up for themselves and for others. I don't like aggression of any kind, be it passive or otherwise, but I do want conviction. And though the meek may have convictions buried beneath their sweater vests in their tiny pink smart car hearts, I can't tell, because my rock and roll music is a little too loud.

Short Answer: And another thing...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Question: Do you really like fantasy books?

Really like? Maybe I'm just being defensive, here, but it sounds like there may be some skepticism in this question. The answer is yes, I really like fantasy books, and yes, you are getting really fat.

What's not to like about fantasy? Saving the world one decapitation at a time. Plus, fantasy books have some of the best character development in all of literature, thanks in part to lengths of the average story (ie long).  Once you've followed characters for a long time and really watched them grow, it's hard to go back to eighty thousand word modern novels about some douche bag's crybaby bullshit.

Fantasy books are blatantly about all the things other books try to be about in subtle ways, but most often fail. Honor, loyalty, morality, spirituality, revenge, justice and consequence just to name a few. Now some people claim fantasy is silly, but there are a lot of different kinds and they don't all have the 'silly' elements delivered in the same way. For example, you don't see a lot of wands in fantasy, despite what Harry Potter fans may think, because wands are dumb. What you do see is a lot of swords, and that's good, because violence is awesome and guns are stupid. A world where you have to properly learn how to kill and not be killed creates a lot more depth than you might imagine.

I could go on, but the point is that fantasy creates worlds. It's a genre that by definition includes massive amounts of creation, so if your aim is to be transported away from your dreary, mundane, fat existence, what better place to have as your destination?

Short Answer: Violence, sexuality, corrupt religions and governments and people brave enough to stand up for what they believe in. Is there really any surprise that people read this stuff?

Monday, October 31, 2011

Question: Where are your manners?

In the toilet upstairs.

I can't believe I ran out of Halloween questions on the day that is the day of the Halloween.
Where are your manners, everyone?
Hmmm?
How do you like that?
Who's asking the questions now, punk?
No, seriously, who's asking the questions?
You guys.
Right.
My apologies.
Please keep reading my blog.
I'm sorry for yelling.

Short Answer: Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Question: You seem to like Horror movies a lot. Assuming you watch them around Halloween, what did you watch last night?

Last night, I got bit on the ass by nostalgia. I went and bought a movie I've been looking for for years. The movie's called 'The Stuff' and I remember it from watching it on late night tv when I was very young.  It's about this yogurt like product that bubbles up from the earth and becomes a popular snack.  Little do people know, the stuff takes over once you've eaten enough of it. For some reason, it's always stuck in my mind and I've built it up over the years, thinking it was going to be some awesome find.

It was not. This movie is poo. Do not rent.

I also watched the premiere of American Horror Story, not realizing it was an ongoing serial type tv show. I thought, like almost every other Horror tv show, that it would be anthology style and that each episode would be a different story. Oops. It was pretty good, though.

Then I watched Monster Bug Wars and it was the scariest thing I did all night. Huntsman spiders are more terrifying than Halloween.

Short Answer: Got my marathon today. Gonna make up for some lost time.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Question: What's the best way to explain away mayonnaise on your pants?

Handy. Tugbert. HJ. Premature Edickulation. Favor for grandma. BlowJ. Wide-on. FJ. Blowy. Start up kit. Boater Moat. J-Off. Beej. Snuffleupagus. Bead counter. Slippity-dippity. Oxtail soup. Cyclops Pet Parade. Jerks and Caicos. Peter Rabbit. Tentpole. Weiner Dog Paddle Boat. Palm soup. Handy dart. Rubinsky. Donair town. Repulsor blast. Duck, duck, balls.

By the way, there is a lot of the same sound in this question. Explain away mayonnaise might be poetry, brosephine.

Short Answer: This answer is a good size, goddammit!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Question: Is a kilt neccessary at all? Why not go completely naked?

Kilts are necessary for various reasons, unless you walk around on your hands all the time. Then you're in upside down wiener town and besides being a sweet rhyme, it's a situation I'm not equipped to handle.

You can't just go completely naked, mainly because the only time you even see kilts outside of Scotland nowadays are at weddings, and you don't want a Scotsman's dong out at a wedding, 'cause all the bridesmaids and quite possibly the bride, will end up trying to suck it.

Also, just to be clear, a kilt isn't a full body apparatus, like overalls, so even if you didn't wear the kilt, you'd still have a shirt on, and that's a look no man, not even a thick-calved Scotsman, call pull off.

I'll be honest, as a bit of a Scotsman myself, I don't think many kilt-wearers in our generation freeball it beneath the kilt. I do, of course. But that's because I know how to be lady-like.

The real reason kilts are necessary is 'cause they're fucking cool. Plus, when someone calls it a skirt by mistake, you get to beat the shit out of them.

Short Answer: Normally, going completely naked is always the better option, but kilts are culturally significant, and wearing them doesn't really cut off access to the balls, so they're a go.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Question: I have a pink argyle sweater...is this bad?

Here's a flowchart.

Are you a girl?
Are you a transvestite?
Are you a dude who likes pretty things?
Are you Ed Wood?
Are you high a lot?
Are you doing props for a porno?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, things are cool.

Otherwise, might be time to take that shit to the Salvation Army, bro.

Short Answer: I like pretty things.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Question: Dude, why would you stop the beat?

This is eerily similar. Is this a conversation we're having? About the beat?

Get off my lawn.

Short Answer: Repeated questions by the same party will be met with the proper disdain.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Question: What was your best Hallowe'en costume and what was your worst costume?

I think my best was the year I went as a Soul Ranger from the video board game Atmosphere, 'cause it was the biggest in-joke. I had a sweet hat and a skull mask and tight ass jeans. I was an absolute hit with the ladies that night, 'cause there's a certain mystique surrounding both cowboys and the undead. Wasn't so funny when later on in the night I removed the mask and the chick who was about to blow me screamed. Should've gotten the wet work over with first.

My worst costume is harder to answer.  I remember one time in grade school I wanted to be a zombie, and my mom painted my face for me that morning, but when I went to school, no one else was dressed up yet. So I had to sit through the entire day in my make-up and I was embarrassed.

Anything that I ended up having to wear a snowsuit over or under was also weak. Hard to be a scary 'snowsuit vampire'.

Worst? Probably the time I went as a drug dealer and sold weed to people. But it was lame because it wasn't really a costume, I was just selling weed to people.

Didn't whiff on the BJ that night, though.

Now that I think about it, I was kinda the equivalent of a hot chick who dresses like a slut on Halloween. I used to wear things to help me get laid. Like I'd wear bunny ears and put the cute bunny tail sticking out of the back of my jeans.  Chicks thought it was adorable...fellatio.

Short Answer: Hard to find a worst. I've been a ninja, a rock star, a cowboy, a vampire, Papa Smurf, a dead guy and a bunny. It's a pretty solid resume.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Question: Do you have the time?

Like, what time is it? Does it look like I'm wearing a watch? (dated) Does it look like I'm the kind of person who has an iPhone? (more modern) Don't you have an iPhone? (more realistic) Are you just trying to break the ice 'cause you want to plow me? (most likely) No, I'm not at the moment carrying on my person an album recorded by the band The Time. (bingo)

Short Answer: I know you can't see me, but trust me. I'm not the kind of person who looks like he has any idea what time it is. Though, with my stylin' threads, I may in fact listen to The Time.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Question: Could you recommend some good Halloween movies?

I'm taking this pretty seriously. It is a privilege and an honor to recommend Horror movies.

First off, I'm going to make a big (and I think obvious) differentiation between Horror movies and movies that are good for Halloween. Problem is, I can't really explain how I'm going to do that. But I'll try.

To me a good Halloween movie should have a sense of fun - things like Fright Night and Halloween 3: Season of the Witch pop immediately into my mind. Also, you don't want a lot of vampire or zombie fare; Halloween is more about being scared, like ghosts and ghouls style. That's the feeling I always try to capture. I just saw Insidious, which I really liked, and that fits the bill as do many of the compilation horror movies, like Tales From the Darkside or the very modern, Trick r' Treat. Problem is, most great ghost stories are too scary for Halloween (The Changeling, The Shining, The Others, The Orphanage, The Haunting.)

So with all that said, I'll provide you with a list of films I think are great for Halloween time. Some of these movies follow the above criteria, others totally don't. I think the sense of fun is the key, and that shows in the following list a little more than other Horror movie lists I might compile.

30 Movies For Good Halloween Scary Times

30) Jeepers Creepers - This movie is all tone, and I think it's a perfect one for Halloween. It's a really fun, contained monster movie, with a neat monster and some great tension. I think it's possible that monster movies make the best Halloween movies. Look for the great Justin Long in one of his first roles.
29) House of the Devil - A super accurate throwback film. This feels like it was made in the 70's, but is better than most movies of its time and ilk. A babysitter gets a strange gig at a big old house. Sparse with a slow build, if that's you're thing.
28) Cabin Fever - Eli Roth's first foray breaks a lot of my rules for Halloween movies, but for some reason, it sticks out for me as a holiday movie. Teenagers encounter something in the woods...horror ensues.
27) Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 - The first of many great sequels on the list. Sequels are especially valuable at Halloween time (and only then, for the most part) because they are often sillier, gorier versions of the originals. This one has almost nothing to do with the original, but is a fun supernatural/slasher (or paraslasher) film with lots of fun 80's horror staples. It's my favorite movie of this kind of movie. You'll know what I mean.
26) The Omen - This movie is too serious for this list, but because it often gets lost beneath better classic Horror films like The Exorcist, The Omen always pops up for me around Halloween. Just a good Horror movie, through and through, and we could all use a little anti-christ for Halloween. "It's all for you, Damien."
25) Sleepaway Camp - Classic camp slasher fare with one of the scariest endings in ever history ever. Don't want to ruin it, but there's a standing rule in my house that if my wife ever imitates it we get instantly divorced. Scares me that much. (If it doesn't scare you, it will at least make you laugh.)
24) Return of the Living Dead - Funniest of the older zombie flicks and if you ask the missus, the best zombie movie ever made. Also, great t-shirt if you can find it.
23) Phantasm - I wanted to put this so much higher, but some people, Horror fans included, just don't get it. It's that movie that you show to your friends, hoping they get it. When they do, it's awesome. You don't feel so alone in the world. Everyone who loves this movie knows exactly what I'm talking about. Tall Man forever. "Boy!"
22) Pet Sematary - Again, this choice is a tonal one. Something about this movie, dead things comin' back - but more ghouls than zombies - just cries out Halloween to me. Another great ending, too. Stephen King book, in case you didn't know.
21) Nightbreed - Here's a weird one. Based on a Clive Barker novel (called Cabal), starring the great director David Cronenberg in a brilliant and terrifying performance, the story is one of a mythical place called Midian, where the monsters live. This movie is so cool and genuinely Halloween scary. Are you one of the Nightbreed? (One of my favorite Horror movie lines ever, when Peloquin proclaims, "You're meat!"
20) Children of the Corn - Another Stephen King novel, this one about a town populated only by children. This has been a staple for me, and has one of my favorite musical themes in all of horrordom. (Children singing is the secret.) Great beginning, one of my fave cold openings in Horror.
19) Slither - Super fun spaceworm/zombie fling, with Nathan Fillion of Firefly fame. This one is a winner, taking the good from similar older movies and giving a modern twist. Elizabeth Banks is in here too.
18) From Dusk Till Dawn - Some people don't like this movie. I don't get it. It's so fun. George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Keitel and Juliette Lewis (not to mention 'Token Mexican' Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, fx guru Tom Savini and boobs guru Salma Hayek). And vampires. Easily my favorite Tarantino acting role.
17) The Howling - My second favorite werewolf movie, it feels more like Halloween than other lycanthrope films. Transformation scene is top notch, maybe the best ever.
16) The Fly - This diabolical remake is almost too good a film. It's scary, gross and terrifyically mundane, thanks to the style of director David Cronenberg. Jeff Goldblum is always good times. Brundlefly!
15) From Beyond - The first of the Stuart Gordon directed entries, and the first of the 'based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft' entries, From Beyond is pure 80's horror fun. Sexy, gross and ridiculous.
14) House of 1000 Corpses - Say what you want about Rob Zombie, the dude has style. In no film is it more evident than this absolute mess of horrors. The movie actually suffers from its insanity, unless you dig on insanity. Basically a reworking of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with some thunderous Zombie music and lunacy, and a few touches of real, modern horror.
13) Creepshow - The only entry on this list of the compilation sub-genre, because it's the best. If you haven't seen it in awhile, you're in for a nostalgic treat. Screamplay by Stephen King, directed by George A. Romero. Boom.
12) Night of the Creeps - I think this probably deserves to be lower, but for me it embodies all the nostalgia of my horror youth. Going to the video store, judging Horror films (that I was too young to be watching) based solely on their covers. Even being in the aisle of the little video store used to scare me. Night of the Creeps exemplifies that time period for me. The original spaceworms/zombie movie, the box had one of my favorite tag lines ever. "The good news is your dates are here. The bad news is...they're dead." Bought the shit outta this movie the second it came out on Blu-ray.
11) Re-Animator - The second Stuart Gordon entry and second H.P. Lovecraft inspired flick.  Herbert West (played brilliantly by the brilliant Jeffrey Combs) is a scientician or something. He makes things come back and junk. Dot, dot, dot, severed head oral action. Next!
10) A Nightmare on Elm Street - Somewhere along the way, this film got buried by genre fans under a shit-ton of crappy slashers. This movie is the real deal, people. It's innovative and truly frightening, wacky and fun enough to be perfect for Halloween. Think of the Freddy's arms are super long scene if you don't catch my drift. Sadly, this was the best Wes Craven had to offer and he's been trying ever since to live up to its excellence.
9) Demons - Produced by Italian Horror demi-god Dario Argento and directed by Lamberto Bava (son of Italion Horror god Mario Bava) this movie has everything you'd want in a horror film. It's basically a zombie set up. But demons instead of zombies. They are hilarious looking and the gore is funtastic.
8) Halloween - Okay, okay, don't bite my head off or try to eat my brains over this. I know that the movie Halloween is synonymous with Halloween. Don't misunderstand me here, I'm as big a fan of this movie as anyone, if not more so. The thing is, I find this movie to be one of the great Horror movies period, and despite the fact that it takes place on Halloween, I don't feel that Halloween is the theme. Michael Myers could have come back on June 3rd and this movie would still be fantastic. But, it is Halloweeny enough to hit the list, if a little low. By the way, John Carpenter is the greatest, as this is the first of three Carpenter directed films on the list.
7) Prince of Darkness - Without further ado, the next of the Carpenter entries. Prince of Darkness is oft overlooked, but it has incredible tone. It feels like no other film, and has spectacular 'bitter aftertaste' qualities that won't let you sleep. There's crazy goo, a pod-people angle, a bit of zombie action, another dimension, time warping and maybe, probably, the Devil. Claustrophobic is what Carpenter does best, and this does not disappoint.
6) Demon Knight - This was the long awaited 'Tales from the Crypt' movie. It did not disappoint. William Sadler and Billy Zane in a demon infested romp, with fun characters, good writing and murder most horrid. This, of any film, calls out to me in the language of Halloween.
5) Evil Dead 2 - Another sequel, but also sort of a re-imagining of the first film. This movie is so over the top, with the Necronomicon in full force. So much zombie, tree rape, self-mutilation, chainsaw action. When I first saw this movie, it both amused and terrified me. The terror didn't last, but the amusement never wanes.
4) Hellraiser 2 - Based on the first Hellraiser, which was based on the book 'The Hellbound Heart' by Clive Barker, Hellraiser 2 takes the mythology to a whole new level. Hell in fact. The movie mostly takes place in Hell, and it is amazing. So much gore and terror here, yet still fantastical enough to add a little lightness, making it proper Halloween fare. Who better than Pinhead for Halloween, really?
3) In the Mouth of Madness - John Carpenter joins up with H.P. Lovecraft to create this crazy awesome mixture of horror goodies. Sutter Cane, the great Horror novelist has disappeared into his own creations. Sam Neil, playing a skeptical insurance investigator, tracks the man to an idyllic little town, straight out of Lovecraft, where nothing is as it seems.
2) Pumpkinhead - Almost number one. Despite being called Pumpkinhead, this movie has nothing to do with Halloween; it just refers to the look of the demon. This is the most popular of my annual Halloween rotation. The great Lance Henriksen plays a father bent on revenge, who goes to the scariest damn backwater witch to summon the demon Pumpkinhead. Bad idea, dude. This movie is dark, chilling, dirty and demonic. But because it's basically a monster movie, it feels like straight out of the dryer style warm underwear at Halloween time.
1) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Of all the great, great best of the best Horror movies, this one fits best with Halloween. Something about the grittiness and the insanity of it all, coupled with the feeling you're left with once it's over, is exactly the way I like to feel on Halloween. Like I always say, human skin can be as good a costume as anything.

Short Answer: I'm not going to do Honorable Mentions this time, because there are so many fantastic Horror flicks that have been ruled out for minor reasons that it would end up being the biggest list of mentions ever. Let's just re-iterate that this list is not a list of my favorite Horror movies, just the ones I personally think are great for Halloween. Enjoy!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Question: Where did the term ass-backwards come from?

There was once a very aggressive dude with a an ass on the front, and he'd bend his knees and flex his hands and run after ladies with his tongue hanging out, groaning and growling like a masturbating sheepdog.

The term was coined more because of his attitude toward women, though. He thought they should have the vote.

Short Answer: I think it has to do with anal sex. 'Cause that seems a little ass-backwards to me. Wait, maybe it was what someone said when they were trying to do it in the butt. "No, Rhonda. Go ass-backwards. Yea, that's the ticket."

Friday, October 21, 2011

Question: Could you weigh in on the whole bidet thing?

It's a water fountain for your butt.

Weigh in? They seem awesome. I've never had the privilege of using one, 'cause I live in the backwards western continent of North America. Too bad we still scrape our anuses with dry paper. Thanks, however the fuck that happened.

Short Answer: Bidet means pony.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Question: Will you have sex with me?

Are you a brunette?
Do you have big boobs?
Are you very intelligent?
Do you have shapely hips?
Are you hilarious?
Do you have a small waist?
Are you willing to put up with crying during coitus?
Do you have a nice bum?
Can I shout, 'Shazam' when I'm blowing it?
Do you have brown eyes?
Can I finish on the back of your knee?
Do you like bent dongs?

If you said yes to all of these questions, you are either a liar or you're my wife. If you're the former, best we don't, or my wife will want to join in and that's weird for many reasons, foremost of which is that I don't feel comfortable crying in front of two people at the same time.

Short Answer: No thanks. I'm all sexed up for now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Question: Can you stop the beat? How?

As a question posed to everyone, taking 'you' to mean people in general, no. People can't do much.

Can I stop the beat? Fuck yea.

First of all, if the beat it that thing that makes people want to get up and dance, you can stop it real easy with a shitload of violence. Eventually, the echoing moans of agony will drown out the beat. Technically, this isn't stopping the beat, but it serves a similar purpose. Often, when people are hurt, or 'attacked' someone will quite considerately turn off the beat, though it really doesn't accomplish anything for the 'victim'. It's like turning down the radio in your car to look for an address.

I'm also willing to burn down studios, foreclose on dance clubs and intimidate neighbors to stop the beat. These things are within my skill set. I've got gas, I hate poor people and I've got a sweet beard that can become scary at the drop of a furrowed brow.

Short Answer: The beat, in general, can suck it. Music is overrated. It exists so people can talk about how much they hate shit and how important something is to their 'soul'.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Question: Drunk hippie or coked-up albino throw rug salesman?

Jesus. Who's doing the comedy around here?

I don't even know where to begin. I don't like hippies. I don't think anyone really does. They have the right idea, but the wrong hygiene. I also don't like drunk people, so I suppose it would be impossible for me to choose the drunk hippie. You can only take so many, 'I love you, mans' before you lose your shit and start kung-fuing tie-dye.

I do like throw rugs, and I don't mind a little pushy salesmanship, and I love pale skin (I find it a turn on, bite me.) Plus, cocaine reminds of Kiefer Sutherland because of Bright Lights, Big City and that's awesome. I love Kiefer Sutherland.

I guess the answer is simple. Coked-up albino throw rug salesman.

Short Answer: What scenario was this dude in to ask this kind of a question? The answer is buying weed outside a night club, I'll bet.  Someone said something about 'cutting a rug' and off it went.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Question: With Halloween around the corner, what are some good ideas for costumes this year?

If you want topical, I suppose you could make a wall and a street, and wear that. Or you could try to blur yourself with makeup and go as a faster than light neutrino. You could be Mit Romney. (I don't know how to spell that, I'm not looking it up.) Zombies still seem to be very popular, as do sparkling vampires. You could get some round glasses and a stick and say you're Harry Potter no matter how fat you are.

Personally, I like clowns.  They're terrifying, you'd never want to be one any other time of the year, and the possibilites are so endless, you can't get the costume wrong (see fat Harry Potters).  Hell, one type of clown is basically a hobo, so you can dress the way you always do.

Since the Smurfs movie was such a big hit, you could...what?...oh...nevermind.

Top Ten Halloween Costumes This Year

10) The dude from 127 Hours. Just make a boulder out of some crap and tape it to your hand.
9) Satiated Zombie.  Fat suit plus zombie makeup plus laid back attitude.
8) Sad Ryan Reynolds. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't make that piece of shit Green Lantern movie any more entertaining. I guess you could wear the ring or hold the lantern or something. (This one kinda sucks, but after mentioning the Smurfs, I couldn't stop thinking about the bomb that was Green Lantern. There's something ironic for you to do there. Figure it out. I'm busy.)
7) Tranny. This one's super easy. If you're a dude, boobs. If you're a chick, weiner. Then put makeup on and talk in an 'adjusted' voice.
6) The poster for The Ides of March. Half-face Gosling, half-face Clooney. Just cut it from the poster and put it on a stick. This is a great one for people who don't really want to wear a costume.
5) Robert the tire from the movie Rubber. Get a tire.
4) Bill Nye the Science Guy. If you're an attention whore, this is perfect for you, 'cause you can spend all night explaining to people who you really are when they think you're someone else.
3) Roadkill. A classic, but a goody. Fur pieces, tire tracks, fake blood. Boom.
2) Slutty anything. This one's for you girl. I'm surprised you haven't thought of it before.
1) Ficky Jibbles the Prohibition Era Clown. This is what I'm actually going as for Halloween this year, see?

Short Answer: There's some other topical stuff you could look into, but then you end up going to a party with four other 'poor Greeks' and nobody wants that.  Or the smell.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Question: If she's a tiny dancer, how does she make any money?

Dancing in men's front pockets.

Just kidding, she's a trust fund girl.

Short Answer: Get it?  Short answer. Oh grown on your own time, world.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Question: What do you hope the aliens look like?

Ah, Hope. What a fickle temptress you are, with your breasts made from mounds of idiocy and your vagina full of guilt. And your lungs packed with black death from all the many forms of smoking. And your hair sucks. Nice toenails. (What the hell? I think an alien might have written this paragraph.)

I hope they look like us so they won't kill us. Or at least enough like us that the feel a little affection; better to be pets than dead.

I also want them to look like a young Casey Kasem, or an old Abe Vigoda, or a middle-aged John Cleese.

I expect them to be gingers. In fact, I think the whole propagation of the idea of the 'ginger' in the last few years is just a slow indoctrination into the idea that aliens are already here. I saw an older ginger man the other day. He was walking through the park (but not on the walkway) wearing a nice suit. His matted orange hair had receded significantly, but too evenly, and his face was albino pale and slightly elongated. As he walked, his chin bobbed up and down ever so slightly. I felt like I had stumbled onto the set of a Men in Black movie. Then he turned and opened his mouth and between his black teeth was an eye that glowed with fire and I heard a voice in the back of my head that shouted as if from dizzying heights, 'Get off our planet!'

Maybe the last part didn't happen.

Short Answer: I mean, the walkway was right there. Right there.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Question: What is the best way to escape a boring or inappropriate conversationalist?

First of all I would never try to escape an inappropriate conversationalist, they're the best kind.

Top Ten Best Ways to Escape a Boring Conversation(alist)

10) Hail a cab. This works especially well if you're not in the street, a restaurant for example.
9) Interject with a comment about your relative dong size. Like, if they're talking about the economy, you could say, "It's not much to worry about, relative to my dong." You can also talk about the dong size of your relatives, that should work just as well.
8) Refute everything they say.  "There aren't any waves in Australia. What's a surf board? You didn't lose your passport; you lost or sold it, jerk.
7) Agree with everything they say, slowly building to a height of unmanageable arousal.
6) Hum cartoon theme songs. Smurfs works the best in my experience. Or Scooby-Doo.
5) Look the person in the eye and ask for the check. This is similar to #10 but much more confrontational. "Check please. Check please!"
4) Bring up a more interesting conversation and slowly, while seemingly agreeing with the person, take over the lead. Wait, no, I meant punch them.
3) Start asking questions of the group that they can't say no to, nor elaborate on, to reflect to the boring party how pathetic their oratory skills are. Questions like, "Aren't puppies cute?" are a good start.
2) Repeat the last few words that they say, adding a 'yea' at the beginning, in the slowest, most drawn out voice imaginable.  Example: Jerk says, "And that's why we can't have children." You say, "Yeaaaaaa. Haaave Childrenssss." Saying, "Have da childrens" works just as well.
1) Honesty. Call that prick out. "Dude, your story is boring. This is the worst. I've had various oscopy's with more replay value. Your face is sickening."

Short Answer: Most people don't know how to tell a story or properly back up an opinion, so you should probably check your glass house before you pick up that stone.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Question: Is there hope for Wall Street?

There should be a derivative created so people can bet on whether or not there is hope for Wall Street.

Why is it called Wall Street anyway?  Wouldn't a wall street just be an alley?  Actually, that's pretty apt for the shady dealings going on there.

Look, ever since the truth came out (or at least ever since the financial crisis happened and we were forced to learn about the ins and outs of finance) I've formed a pretty rough opinion of the economic situation in America.  I know spiders eat their young, but cheese and crackers, the whole housing scam (oh yes, it's a scam) was just brutal.

Society does not work, will not survive, if people who are driven by greed are at the top of the pyramid. Simple as that. It is nearly impossible to argue at this point, especially with the statistics on how wealth is spread out in America, that the rich aren't getting richer, the poor aren't getting poorer and the middle class isn't disappearing. If it continues, and this is not hyperbole, America will eat itself alive.

I wish the American people could get a healthy dose of perspective, that they weren't so fucking full of themselves that they couldn't take a second and try to understand why the world hates them. They're doing a piss poor job of taking care of their own, yet when anyone in politics mentions spreading out the wealth, you see a shitload of morons yelling about 'socialism.' That, of course is just one example of the crap you gotta hear about. Don't get me wrong. For the average American, it's not their fault. Their media is bought and owned, and there's no way they could've known to pass up that sweet mortgage they were offered. What's sickening is now that everyone gets it, and it's obvious that banks and huge corporations actively stole money from people, still nobody is punished, and the poor have no recourse.

Gack. I have little to add to this nonsense. It's absolutely pathetic that the government hasn't handled it better. That's what the government is for. Stay out of it until the people need help on a grand scale, then protect them. The government didn't protect them, because they're made up of the wealthy, and the wealthy were doing good. When your congressman, representative, senator or whatever is checking his own pockets before making decisions on your behalf, you don't even really have government at all, and you sure as fuck don't have socialism.

At this point, you could use a little.

Short Answer: Wall Street? More like Ball Street. No, wait, I can do better...Noooo!........

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Question: Who shot first (Hans or Greedo)?

Assuming that 'Hans' is a typo and this doesn't refer to a story I'm unaware of where some German guy took the initiative to clean up some part of Germantown, I'll instead answer the question as: Who shot first (Han or Greedo)?

For those who don't know, and I'm sure there's one of you, Han in the above question refers to Han Solo, famed anti-hero turned blatant hero from the ever popular Star Wars franchise. And when I say franchise, I of course refer solely to the first three movies, for they are the only ones need mentioning in pop culture ever. But that's another bowl of poo-doo.

In case you still don't know what the hell is going on here, I'll give you a tiny bit of back story. In the original Star Wars movie, now referred to as A New Hope (though it was always called friggin' Star Wars where I came from - Earth that is) there is a scene where Han and a bounty hunter named Greedo (who looks like a fern from the booger planet) have a little scuffle while sitting together at a bar. Han gets tired of Greedo's crap and shoots him under the table. This is important for it establishes Han as a 'shoot first' kind of guy, lending a very important moral ambiguity to the character that is, in contrast, wholly necessary for the goodytwoshoes Luke Skywalker character to work and not be too sickening.

Later, George 'I'll do whatever the fuck I want, bitches' Lucas decided he wanted Greedo to fire first in the scene so kids wouldn't think Han was such a bad guy, so he did what any sane filmmaker would do, and went back into this own film and digitally altered it, waving his pudgy sausage fingers and saying to all of his fans, 'this isn't the movie you thought it was, move along.'

His justifications have always been weak which only add to the hatred some people seem to have for the man, claiming he's messing about unnecessarily with something fans consider precious. Personally, though I understand the concept that once art hits the people it belongs to the people, I get that Lucas feels he has the right to do this stuff. He did create it, after all. But in this case, the alteration does nothing, and just like a lie begets another lie and the tapestry of bullcrap engulfs you, Lucas has spent more than ten years adjusting the damn scene to make his justification seem more plausible, going so far as to add a digital lean so Han looks like he dodges Greedo's shot, so now he's a good guy and Superman.

Big whiff.

Han shot first.

Short Answer: Han shot first. (Han shot first).

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Question: Have you got the moves like Jagger?

Is this Maroon 5 again?  I told you guys, I'm not going to help you be cooler. You'll have to figure it out on your own. No matter how many times you ask veiled questions, I'm not going to change my mind. I think it's important that you learn from your mistakes. If I just tell you, you haven't really learned anything at all, now have you?

Short Answer: Okay then.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Question: People say if you don't like cranberry sauce, you should have it homemade. How do I do that?

1 Bag O' Cranberries
2 Oranges
1 Lemon
Some Sugar or Honey (maybe)
Ginger
Handful of craisins (optional)

First start cooking those fuckin' cranberries.  Get 'em in a pot and let them do their thing for awhile. You're basically gonna turn them into jam.

Take your oranges and your lemon and zest the shit out of them. If you don't know what zesting is, look that shit up. The zest goes in with the cranberries.

Now, be a super badass and either grill or roast your citrus.  I'd go with grilling, it works a bit quicker. This will bring out all the sweetness from your citrus. Then, squeeze those badboys and add their juice into the cranberries. (You have to cut the fruit in half to do this, by the way. No point grilling the pith.)

Taste it up. Is it sweet enough? If not, add a little honey or suger until you're pleased with the sweetness. (You could also add more orange juice if you want to stay 'pure' and avoid the sweeteners.)

When you add your ginger is up to you, 'cause you don't want it to be too gingery, you just want a little of that cool ginger heat in the background. I'd wait 'till the cranberries have given off some water, then chop a thumbnail (or more) sized knob of ginger finely (or even better, use your rasp/microplane and totally emaciate the ginger into the mixture - no bits, then) and put that shit in with the cranberries.

Cook until it's the texture you want it to be.  I like mine with a semblance of berry shape remaining.

As for the optional craisins, you throw those in near the end, just to give them time to reconstitute.  It adds a textural element to the sauce if you're down with that.  But if you just want the smooth, jelly stuff, skip this step.

Short Answer: Canned can suck it.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Question: What does Thanksgiving mean to you?

It means another socially accepted opportunity to eat the heart of a turkey, so I can absorb the turkey's strength. I have eaten hundred's of turkey hearts in my life and I am a formidable opponent thanks to my turkey strength. I would eat the hearts of other animals if I could, but people frown upon the consumption of other types of animal hearts. In fact, from what I can gather, it's more acceptable to eat their nuts.

Short Answer: I am thankful for many things, first and foremost the fact that I possess the strength of a thousand turkeys.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Question: How are your thetan levels these days? Inquiring scientologists want to know...

Super low, thanks for asking. I had a bat'leth fight with some wall-eyed monstrosity just recently, and came out on top thanks to my familiar (who is a ghost of someone who was never famous) and some advice from a pet sock I've been keeping in a jar of whiny bullshit.

The fight was atop a mountain constructed of perspicacity and full of non-alcoholic eggnog, and there was a hint of cinnamon rain misting about me, squeezed from god's holiday catheter. When the head of the monster was removed, I caught it in a crystal punchbowl and shovelled it to a nearby medium (which is false advertising because she, despite being a mermaid, had a large reaction to a the decapitated monster head) and she blessed it with her virgin pee.

Later I watched the Cosby Show.

Short Answer: Scientology must be real because it's so hard to make up a bunch of nonsensical garbage.