Thursday, December 30, 2010

Question: What are some of your favorite scenes from Christmas Specials/Movies?

Impossible to answer this one without spoilers, so consider yourself alerted.

The first thing to come to mind is that awesome Bill Murray rant at the end of Scrooged.  It's so chock full of Christmas spirit it makes me cry and laugh at the same time, which sometimes makes me puke, but that's not really important, now, is it?

That reminds me of the ending of It's a Wonderful Life, which also has a boat load of good-ass tidings.  Like, a lot of tidings; bushels of veritable tidings.

I like it in Black Christmas, when you get the sweet monster cam and all the effed up voices. All of those scenes are special.  Also, in Silent Night, Deadly Night, when the protagonist/antagonist yells, "Garbage day!" right after he kills the guy taking out the garbage.

The name Burgermeister Meisterburger from Santa Claus is Comin' to Town always makes me laugh.  I really like when Zooey Deschanel sings in the shower in Elf.  Almost every second scene from A Christmas Story is amazing (it's my favorite Christmas movie).  If I had to pick just one thing from it, I'd probably say the sequence where Ralphie gets in a fight and goes home and thinks he's going to be in big trouble from his dad. They really capture the dread of that childlike feeling when you're waiting for one of your parents to come home to scold (beat) you.  Instead, Ralphie's Mom (who hadn't had a hot meal in fifteen years) covers for him, and you feel his relief and the joy he experiences when he understands he's off the hook.

In the Grinch, when the title character rides the sled into the circle of Whos at the end, the circle opens like a gate, even though the gate is made up of a bunch of Whos wholding whands.  Sorry, Whos holding hands.

Right now, I can't recall if Charlie Brown says, "Good grief" in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, but I'll assume he does.  I always like it when Charlie Brown says, "Good grief."

One last one.  In Blackadder's Christmas Carol, I like it when Rowan Atkinson says, "Baldrick, I want you to got out and buy a turkey so large you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus."

Short Answer:  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and I hope you have a glorious New Year full of all kinds of good stuff including, but not limited to, run on sentences!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Question: If you were tasked with performing a Christmas miracle, what would it be?

In the spirit of the season, I will answer in the form of the twelve days of Christmas.  Actually, it's just twelve answers to the question.

12) Government transparency
11) No hungry people
10) Make Christopher Walken immortal.
9) Less murder for god
8) Release of an early, unseen film starring Salma Hayek, entitled, "We do chicks naked".
7) Spiders! Leave me alone!
6) Happiness for my girl.
5) Golden rings, baby.  Golden rings.
4) That whole Christmas cheer thing, where we're all nicer to each other?  Maybe a few more days of that every year.
3) Guilt and regret?  What the hell does that mean?  Never heard of it.  Not even in the dictionary.
2) Honest communication.
1) Perspective, bitches.

Short Answer: My number one Christmas miracle would be to give everyone a little more perspective, 'cause brother, it ain't never as bad as it seems.

Question: What is the perfect christmas gift for these three people: Stephen King, Jesus, Freddie Kruger? Why?

Perfect is a big, juicy word.  Just like there are few perfect people, there are few perfect presents.  A perfect present would be something I couldn't give, like no-cancer to someone who has cancer.

I'd like to think that Stephen King is a "man who has everything."  He seems like it.  Great career, happy life, successful kid, adoring fans, an impressive body of creative work.  He's a big Sox fan, but they finally won the world series, so I couldn't give him that.  He already had a true life horror experience with that whole nearly-killed-by-a-drunk-driver thing, so I wouldn't give him that.  I think what would be a great present for him, would be to show him, via time machine (naturally) how well-remembered his work will be in the future. It's not really a personal gift, but it's something a lot of people who devote their lives to creative endeavors would be damn curious about.  You know what, to hell with that.  If I had that time machine, I could set up some elaborate scenario where he caught a famous home run, or something.  Maybe even one he hits himself! Okay, maybe more ambitious than perfect.

Jesus, I would give wine.  That's easy.  Or, like, one fish, and be like, what?  That's like a million fish.  Or a snorkel.  Or a huge boulder.  Or a new shroud.  Or a dead Samaritan.  Or a haircut.  Seriously, though, I'd give him one of those foot spas, so when he washed the feet of his visitors, he wouldn't have to get his robes dirty and have a million people find the cloth and claim they have the imprints of the knees of Jesus Christ.

Freddy Krueger.  This one's easy.  What's better than four eighteen-year-olds?  Eighteen four-year-olds!  Distasteful?  Yes, most definitely.  Perfect?  You-betcha. (Freddy likes kids, in case this one isn't coming through clearly enough.)

Short Answer:  Bad dreams for Keith tonight...

Question: How would you sabotage Santa's operation?

I'd fuck Mrs.Clause.

Short Answer: I would never sabotage Santa's operation.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Question: Could you write a series of horror Haiku? (I am looking for four to five of them on the same theme.)

Lady with huge jugs
Carrying the entire film
Otherwise I'm bored

If dead looks could kill
My lips would breathe and crack wide
And silence would break

Drew Barrymore's boobs
Eighties film Doppelganger
Awesome blood shower

Try not to scream while
my fingers are in your mouth
you might wake the child

Skin in lumps, curdled
left out too long for dinner
roasted maggot stew

Short Answer: Yes. Yes I could. (The serious three are better than the funny two, I think. Hard to stay on theme; the word horror encompasses so much, my friend.)

Question: If we didn't know why the sky was blue, how would you explain it?

Smurf piss.

Short Answer: Les Schtroumpfs!

Question: Why do we trust science? Science, like religion, is perceived and understood by man who is marred and shabby and imperfect, so why do you think people seem to trust the man in the lab coat rather than the man in the robes, though neither can claim perfection?

Last time I checked, the men in the robes were still rockin' some pretty intense levels of attendance; to the point that I think it is unsafe to say that people seem to trust the man in the lab coat over the man in the robe.  Not just belief, or even vague spirituality; I'm talking hard numbers of devout practitioners of big-O organized religion.  Beyond that, the answer is simple.  The people who trust in science are the kind of people who like to see proof. The people who lean the other way don't think that's necessary.  What's much more interesting, and I believe much more important, than this science versus religion argument are all the conversations and exchanges of ideas that could be had between the sides, in regards to how they can get along amicably (if they could only get along amicably).  Both sides, as a whole, seem to fail miserably in this regard, and it may be the greatest bane of our ability as a species to move forward collectively.  It doesn't always have to be about right and wrong, assholes.

Science has this intensely unfair advantage, you see.  It's based on proof.  Therefore, through experimentation, one can find proof.  The belief in a higher power is not designed to be proven, nor can it be in any way that a scientific mind would accept.  This makes science people pissy and religious people defensive.  If they could get past this fundamental difference in their belief structures, maybe they could find some common ground, like the idea of faith in something (be it protons or Ra) being a healthy and natural human mechanism.  Wouldn't that be an interesting debate?

As for a philosophical answer, which I perceive you wanted, pertaining to humans as imperfect beings creating and believing in either imperfect or perfect ideas, that may have more to do with the individual than the species as a whole.  Perhaps, simply stated, it makes more sense for us to accept imperfection, because we ourselves are imperfect, which is why so many of us have trouble with the extreme concept of a perfect being or creator. Something else that people could take into account when discussing these things instead of arguing like petty morons. (It also helps explain why a lot of people are able to accept Darwin's theory of evolution completely, even though it doesn't explain everything, including where life effing came from.)  Then again, a lot of born again Christians go the route of the lord because they have found so much imperfection in themselves that they need to believe there is someone more competent to run their lives.  Well, what if you got to do it yourself, pal?  What if not beating your wife means stopping your hand from striking her face, all by your lonesome?

Hard to play Devil's Advocate when you're treading the line between science and religion.

One more thing.  A lot of men of the cloth do claim perfection.  That's dumb.

Short Answer: Believe in me! (And a good thing, too, that we don't decide our beliefs based on perfection.  What fun would life be, if our role model was without flaws?  We'd then be able to answer the question of how much guilt the human body can contain before exploding like a claymore full of cranberries and stuffing.)  Happy holidays everyone!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Question: I have recently started seeing a girl that has a muff straight outta the 70's. How should I approach this muff trimming issue? What would you do?

Now I don't want to sound like a pubic hair expert, or merkinite, but I am aware that the Brazilian trend is falling away and we're being pushed forward into a pubic hair revival.  Still, I think the huge bush is still a long way from coming back around.

I'm not sure how you should approach it, but based on the variability of subjects and circumstances, I'd try straight forward communication.  If that doesn't work, tell her you'd be able to perform oral a lot better if the situation down below wasn't so unruly.  Chicks will usually go for that.  Of course, then you gotta back it up, and not like in a rap video.

What would I do, you ask?  Tee-hee.  I'd start making cracks about other out of style trends. Ask her if she's ever had a pet rock, or if she wants a hulu hoop for her birthday, or whether or not she'd be down if I busted out some bell bottoms.  She'll get the hint; either that or suffer psychological abuse to the point that she'll be unbearable and then you'll get to dump her hairy ass anyway.

(If you really want to be a misogynistic asshole, you can refer directly to unattractive trends in sexuality that mirrored the big muff, like the canon boobs thing.  That will totally mess with her body image, which you probably don't want because she'll end up being less confidant and subsequently not so good in the sac.)

Short Answer:  Positive reinforcement, brother.

Question: Do you have a favourite word? Or perhaps a top-ten list?

I could do this for a long time, writing, re-writing and editing a Top Ten List of my favorite words.  But as is the mandate, I will instead answer as best I can off the top of the old bean.

In no particular order:


Short Answer: Fuck.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Question: You and 3 friends go camping. The next morning you wake up with a pounding headache and a trojan in your corn hole. What do you do? Who do you trust? Do you tell anyone at all?

Man, things are getting dark.

It's important that I do a good job trying to answer everyone's questions.  This one threw me for a loop, though. I guess I've just never contemplated anal-camping-rape by one of my dearest friends.  Here comes my best shot, though, pun intended.

If I woke up and had been raped by a friend, I would sit everyone down and explain that if one of them didn't fess up, I was going to kill them all.  But not before taking the thing they most loved in the world and taping myself destroying it and showing them the tape while cooking a piece of them and forcing them to eat it.  When no one fessed up, I'd kill them all, without threat or mercy, and cross my fingers that the rape had not too badly inflamed my already sensitive prostate.

The last part of the question, "Do you tell anyone at all?" freaked me out.  This whole thing is fake, right?  The fact that this is in the question concerns me.  Please, if this has happened to you, talk to a psychiatrist or the police, do not murder these people in the aforementioned way.  But if this is supposed to be funny (as twisted as that is), here's the answer.  If I killed a bunch of my friends for having possibly raped me in my sleep on a camping trip, I'd buy a rape/murder themed float, put it in the middle of the Macy's Day Parade and play "I'm Too Sexy" while dancing in a mesh shirt and leather pants.

Short Answer: I'm too sexy for this question.

Question: Brady Bunch Characters: Marry one, Fuck one, Kill one. Who?

I never watched the Brady Bunch.  I watched a little of the movie, the one with Ben Stiller's wife in it.

Here goes nothing.

Marry: You marry Carol.  Who wouldn't marry Mrs. Brady?  It'd be like marrying your mom. Awesome!
Fuck: Gotta fuck the old lady.  She's the only one not underage.  But I'm lookin' at you, too, Greg.
Kill:  The key to killing Marcia Brady is to make sure she thinks that you want to fuck her first.  Let her feel comfortable that you, like everyone else, thinks she's special.  Then slowly allow her to become aware that you plan on taking her most precious of precious-es because she's so special.  After that, leave her tied up for awhile, let her think about it.  When she starts to think, 'even though it's horrible that I'm going to be raped, at least I was chosen,' slit her throat like you'd do a pig at a slaughterhouse.

Short Answer:  "Here's a story..."

Question: Picture yourself a mild mannered writer by day, a devious super villain by night. What is your name, costume, catch phrase, and most importantly your ultimate motivation?

This cuts a little too close to the truth, but I'll answer it as if it was "hypothetical."

Also, this is one of those "don't want to give away my best ideas" questions, so I won't be answering seriously.  Of course, why would I want to do that anyway.

I would be called the Groom.  I would wear a tuxedo, but an older style one, probably sky blue with lots of ruffles and a bow tie.  My catchphrase would be "With this ring, I thee kill!" and then I'd throw a crap load of rings.  My motivation is simply that I smothered my wife to death on our wedding night, and because I can't handle what I did, I externalize it, always looking for the person responsible for my wife's untimely demise.  Will I ever realize that the culprit is me?  "Till death do us part, Batman..."

I would be called Lumber Jack.  I would be huge, wear red flannel, and carry a woodsman's axe.  My catchphrase would be "Timber, Mother#@%##@!"  My motivation is to find my blue ox, 'cause when I was a child, my mother dressed me up as a girl and I escaped embarrassment by reading the tales of Paul Bunyan over and over and over.  "You planted the seed, Batman..."

I would be called Captain of Industry.  I would smoke retardedly big cigars and then cough like I'd never smoked before.  I'd wear every outfit, in rotation, that Orson Welles wore in Citizen Kane.  My catchphrase would be, "Buy low, sell die!"  Just kidding.  My catchphrase would be, "You will think what I tell you to think!"  My motivation would be to own everything.  "Greed, Batman, is the way to a man's soul..."

I would be called Pogo.  I'd wear pink overalls with nothing underneath and a cap with a spinny-bugger on it. I'd say, "Look at my stick!" and try to touch all the children.  "There's a child inside all of us, Mr. Wayne."

I would be called....

Short Answer: You get the idea.  I could do this all day.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Question: What is the first, second and third thing you would do if you woke up naked in a dark, abandoned city behind a sour dumpster with naught but a newspaper for cover?

First: Check to see if I still had all my kidneys.
Second: Rape kit.
Third: Nappy time.

Short Answer:  "Naked homeless man covers junk with sports section."

Question: If you could give Sarah Palin any advice, what would it be?

Politics.  This may be the first directly political question I've had to face since starting this blog.  It's come up a few times in other answers, but I've mostly avoided it.  Now, it seems, I have no choice.

What advice would I give Sarah Palin?  My instinct upon reading the question, was simply to answer, that she should shut the fuck up.

But that answer would be incorrect.  What I'm really trying to say here, is that the American people should listen the fuck up.  Because people like Sarah Palin exist for a reason.  Now I'm not here to say exactly what that reason might be, but here goes the old college try.

Sarah Palin, in a political setting, exists to show you many things.  The first of which is the inadequacy of qualifications for government office.  She also represents how underhanded and devious politicians are in trying to sway your vote with things that shouldn't matter, like good looks and gender.  She indicates that the people who run the good ole U S of A think they can fool you into voting a certain way, by appealing to something as irrelevant to office as "being a down home gal," whatever the hell that means.  She lends transparency to the process by which politicians validate themselves, through practiced and controlled circumstances, by being unable to follow said practiced and controlled circumstances.  She shows us an example of a politician who clearly doesn't give a fuck about running the country, but wants to put her mug on tv as much as possible, be it through signing contracts for exclusive consulting with Fox (?) or creating her own travel-type show.  (At least other useless officials have the good sense to give up their fame seeking careers before politics; bitch is using politics to fuel her fame.)

I love Tina Fey.  Who doesn't?  But I think her brilliant parody of Sarah Palin clouded us a little.  We began to think someone like Mrs. Palin was a joke, a simple and humorous anecdote.  Wrong.  She is dangerous.  She wants to be president, and she hasn't given up yet.  So if you want the country to crumble, follow up the Repulican's marvelous wet-work during Obama's term and elect that down home gal.  See what you get.

Short Answer: Keep up the good work, honey.  Everybody needs a little context, once in awhile.

Question: What accent do you think is the sexiest?

I think, overall, women find accents sexier than men do.  I may be wrong about that.  Girls, feel free to lick me to death as punishment.  Misogyny Away!

(Landing) Here's the deal.  All accents, to some degree, are sexy.  This is because people, for the most part, are bored with their lives, which I'm sad to say, includes their sexual partners.  So anything different, and I mean anything, becomes sexy.  Personally, I don't know if I can say, based on accents alone, which one is the sexiest. I know German isn't.  I'll lay that out there right now.  Unless it's Marlon Brando doing it...that's another question, I suppose.

For me the answer is British.  No, not cockney British, who do you think I am?  But any other British accents for sure.  In my case, it's more of an association thing than anything else.  You ever seen the so-called lad's mags that come out of Britain?  Let me tell you something, brother, those ladies got some breasts.  They've got enough for the rest of the class and then some.

Short Answer:  When I here British accents, I think of British boobs.  Winner!