Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Question: Why are the greatest comfort foods shaped like dicks and which is your fav?

To me, comfort food is like a full meal; like with the balls, too.

Anyway, call me straight, but I was unaware that comfort foods were shaped like dicks. Maybe they're not, and there should be a question asked of the questioner, in regards to their eating so many cock foods.

But I digress.  Cocks.

Because I think of comfort foods as stews and shepherd's pies and the like, I guess I'll just try to answer what is my favorite cock-shaped food.  My initial instinct would be hot dogs, but I stopped eating those awhile ago, on account of how much elbows and asses go into the making of them.  I do like food on a stick, especially meat, so I suppose any one of those candidates would suffice, but it doesn't feel right.  Makes me think of a penis with a stick tucked up into the urethra.  Not appetizing.  Otherwise, maybe souvlaki?

Butternut squash?  Great looking cock food, but not all that yummy.  Oh, by the way, I only hate one food on this fine planet of ours, and that's the Devil's Cock - the cucumber.  How the fuck can you people eat that shit?  It has the flavor of wet.

Both yams and edamame can look like penises, and they're super foods, which I'm into right now, so either of those would be good choices.  You can live off that shit.  Broccoli too, which can also look like a cock, however diseased.

Wow, this is hard.

I like balls a lot.  Meatballs, in particular.  But that doesn't count, I guess.  Damn, this one's really hard, and it's getting longer and longer.

Here's a tip.  Don't take comfort from food, fatty!  Moving on.

Breadsticks, with a smear of garlic aioli, wrapped in prosciutto.  Out.

Short Answer: The meaty appetizer in the line above. The aioli works like glue, to keep the ham on the stick!  Awesome!

Question: Hypothetical: You're God, you've just spent the past six days creating everything, you're tired, your back hurts and you feel like you've made a few mistakes along the way. So what do you do to blow off steam on day seven?

Time to fuck some angels!  Wait, what?  Let me read the question again.

Well, creating all of that stuff was fun, but I kinda feel like trying a different creation, see how the game plays differently.  Like, maybe a creation with higher intelligence, so I can do better in speech challenges.

Wait, let me read it again...

I'm God in this scenario, so that means, because I created time and space, and everything else, I'm outside of those things, so I won't be able to explain to humans what I'm "doing", because they think in terms of whens and wheres.

Yea, that's a cop out.  Okay, in the spirit of the question (eyes-rolling), I guess I'd probably eat pizza and watch hockey.  Maybe accompanied by some sort of sexual act, maybe one called the "The Big Boom".  After that, I'd watch a horror movie, one without too much realism so I can escape from it all - I did just create it all after all.  All.  Later, I'd write a kick-ass story and afterward I wouldn't feel like it sucked now.

You know what, I don't like this answer either.  Let's try honesty.  If I was God, and I just created the world, I wouldn't rest on Sunday, I'd start fucking around right away.  I'd be all up in that shit, watching Adam like a hawk, taunting him, checking out the Devil situation.  I'd be playing, right?  I'd start religious arguments that I thought were hilarious, then watch all the dudes die over it.  I'd come up with all sorts of plagues and atrocities, and rain sulfur and turn people to salt.  And when people inevitably began to pray to me, asking, even begging on their knees, for help and peace and guidance, I'd be all like, "What?  I'm busy."  Eventually there'd be so much praying and killing, that I'd have to do something.  So I'd send my son, even though he's a bit of a hippy fuck-up.

Short Answer: This is just what I would do, geez...  

Question: What is the first thing that comes to mind when you read the made-up word: Mleedoing? Why?

It's definitely an alien, small and cute, saying it, and the phrase can mean a few different things.  (Alien languages are tonal, after all, we've all seen Close Encounters.)

First off, it is the alien way of saying, "My bad."  You've fucked up, and your alien enough to be responsible about it.  Example: "Jerry, what the fuck, man?  You totally klork-blorked me on that one!  Bitch had three, huge tits!"
Jerry, looking dejected: "Mleedoing, mleedoing..."

Secondly, it can be used as an inquisitive verb, something that only exists in alien languages.  (We've all seen the Abyss.)  Example:  "Who the fuck is going to pick up this green turd?"
Jerry, hand on chest:  "Mleedoing?  No florkin' way, bro."

Thirdistan, it has recently become popularized by replacing the name of the sex act formerly known as the "Alien Pirate Ship." (We've all seen Ice Pirates, right?  No?  Fuck you.) Example: "I space-gacked in this bitch's eye, and she put her hand over it, right?  Then, I kicked her in one of her many legs, and she hopped up and down.  She looked like a pirate, right?  Then, I put on my badass spacesuit, and took her into space, where she froze, and I rode her down the mountains of methane like a pirate ship!"
Jerry, excited:  "Dude, that is the most amazing mleedoing I've ever heard about.  You ever seen that movie, Mleedoing, about the kids on the ship, the British kids, where they get effed-up and kill that girl? That movie was messed up."
Other alien:  "What the fuck are you talking about Jerry?  You're lucky we don't Mleedo your ass right here and now."
Jerry, looking dejected:  "Mleedoing, mleedoing..."

Short Answer: Who's gonna answer this question?  Keith, hand on chest:  "Mleedoing?  No florkin' way, bro!"

Question: Could you compose a limerick of some kind involving Santa Claus in a compromising position?

Say what you want about quality, this one was truly off the top of my head.


In the bedroom of one Mrs. Claus
Santa had pulled down his drawers
"Naughty or nice,
I've begun thinking twice,
and I'm not getting down on all fours."

I know using a title is kinda like cheating with limericks, but suck it.

Short Answer: Yes. Yes I could.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Question: If Pokemon existed in real world ecology, do you think homo sapiens would still ride the top of the food chain?

Humans will be the top of the food chain no matter what fictional characters come to life, because fictional characters are mostly just caricatures; either caring, interesting and rounded, or flat and evil. (The exceptions to this rule are surprisingly few and far between and exceptions are easy to gang up on. I'd think even a truckload of pissed-off gay bashers could take out an exception, and that's a sampling of the worst of us.) We, the Human Race, are caring, interesting, rounded, flat and evil, among a million other things.  We are dynamic. We are many.  And we will fucking kill you, you can count on that.

Short Answer: Humanity for the win, always.  Because we will fucking kill you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Question: I had a terrifying dream. I was in no particular place, maybe a cabin, or the woods or a highway. Chasing me was Michael Myers on one side and Leatherface on the other. What could I have done to avoid all this from happening or to survive?

To avoid this, maybe don't be so fucked up and have fucked up dreams.

To survive, your only chance is to pit them against each other. Michael Myers will kill anyone, and Leatherface needs meat and flesh for his daily dealings. Only problem is Leatherface might not recognize Michael Myers as a source of skin, unless he wants William Shatner's face specifically. This is rough. Maybe you could dream some Aliens and Predators or some Freddy and Jason, give them an example on how to mix it up. But if you could do that, you could just dream a door that leads to a naked, c-cup mandatory sock hop.

Short Answer: You're fucked.

Question: What is your horror movie dream cast and why?

First of all, this question made me think of the Sega Dreamcast.  Just so you know.

Because I hold horror in high esteem, or more importantly and aptly, in a level of esteem equal to any other genre, my dream cast for a horror film would be similar to my dream cast for any kind of film.

Ed Norton
Christopher Walken
Tim Roth
Gary Oldman
Salma Hayek

Ed Norton would be the main character, sympathetic and charming.
Christopher Walken would be an amazing doomsayer, warning the folks away from the secluded cabin/house/hotel/zombie filled city.
Tim Roth would be the stoic, yet sketchy lawman.
Gary Oldman would be the killer/devil/head vampire, though you wouldn't know it at first.
Salma Hayek would be naked.

Oh no!  Ed Norton was in on it the whole time!

Short Answer: Norton, Walken, Roth, Oldman, Hayek (in her most naked performance to date.)

Question: I left Home Depot today with an armload of wood feeling incredibly empowered. Is it acceptable for young men to feel empowered when they have wood? As an aside, isn't context grand?

Building things goes way back, if you measure from the tip to the balls. It's ingrained in us, and must have penetrated our make up at a time when we had to build shelters to survive. Now, in the days of aluminium siding, we don't, as men, have to learn these skills.  I guess my personal opinion is that anytime you can get an armload of wood, and if makes you feel good about yourself, you should be proud.  Maybe even have a parade.

In a modern society rife with equal rights where our words are stifled in our throats by fear of politically correct reprisal, our manly instincts are probably slowly being eradicated.  That, in a way, is sad.  So let wood make you feel good, the way that Billy Bob Thornton made Halle Berry feel good in the movie Monster's Ball, or as I like to refer to it, Monster Balls.  (Heath Ledger was really good in that movie, just so you know, in case you want to go back and watch him be awesome.)

Short Answer: Anything that makes you feel manly is probably enforcing your self-esteem in a positive way, unless the thing you're doing is hitting your wife.  That's not cool.  Even if you're a chick.

Question: Subcreature! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, the Traveler, has come!! Choose and perish! (and please, thoughtfully explain your decision, or return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.)

I've often thought about this. Whenever I watch Ghostbusters, I appreciate that Ray was able to control himself enough to think of something big, soft and fluffy, and not have something way more horrific enter his mind.  For me, in the same situation, I would undoubtedly think of a spider or a giant squid.  Maybe a shark.  Perhaps the choice of sea-dwelling creatures would save us, but more than likely, the Destructor would form in some sort of non-aquatic way; like a flying shark, or a giant squid on stilts.  The real fear for me is that I would fail miserably and think of some sort of shark-squid-spider hybrid and we'd all die horribly from beak bites, venom and flying shark farts.

Now to answer the question properly, what would I choose if I could think about it?  My first instincts are the same as Ray's; but that didn't work out so well.  Marshmallow or no, that thing was fierce.  Maybe I should just give up and think of the coolest thing to get killed by, like one huge breast or something like that; but that's giving up.  So, what form of the Destructor would be easiest to survive, but also not scare us into total mental collapse?

A pillow? That would smother you. A deck of cards? All the knights and kings would come out and massacre the place.  Batman?  It would look like the caped crusader, but it'd be the Destructor and he'd be way meaner. (Still almost worth it).  What? What? What?

I have it.  Bill Hader from SNL doing an impression of Alan Alda.  I can't think of anything less threatening or more entertaining, so even if it does get us killed, at least you saw that awesome impersonation.  Wait, wait.  Even better is anyone, maybe also Hader, doing a really good impression of Christopher Walken.  That wouldn't hurt a fly.  Wait, wait, wait. How about Christopher Walken doing a piss-poor impersonation of Jeff Goldblum?

Bingo.  (You're right, no human being would stack books like this.)

Short Answer: Christopher Walken doing a less than stellar impersonation of Jeff Goldblum.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Question: Should high school graduates be required to take a mandatory year away from education before pursuing their life's ambitions?

Mandatory is a big word.  There are some kids who have it together young, and know what they're doing and why they're doing it; they understand the consequences of quick decisions, and they genuinely believe they see a career path.  Now I've never met any of these people, but I have to assume that at least one of them has existed at some point in time.  Mostly, kids who get out of high school are total and complete morons, still brandishing their idiotic teenage bravado without the sense of an adult that has gone through some real life shit.  So, simply put, I would surely recommend to most high school graduates that they chill out for a bit before they waltz like mindless automatons into post-secondary and destroy their parent's bank accounts with Philosophy 101 and jello shots.  By the way, taking philosophy in college doesn't make you smart, so shut the fuck up.

Education is the key word, here.  I think there are two kinds of people on the planet.  Those who learn and those who don't.  And I don't mean memorize and acknowledge, I mean learn, with intent to utilize, exchange ideas and back up your opinions.  If you aren't one of these people, what'll a year off hurt?  If you are, you're going to learn things anyway, so why rush into another school environment?  Get out of the house, get a job, get a girl or a guy or both, get in trouble, get into something other than bureaucracy and bad sweaters.  There will be plenty of time for that later on, I assure you.

Short Answer: The only thing that should be mandatory for high school graduates is a direct injection of fear of the real world, followed by a chaser of common sense.  Otherwise, I would recommend some time to reflect, plus it's the best time in your life to appreciate your invulnerability.  That shit goes away too.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Question: What are your feelings on the institution of marriage?

I think it's dumb.  I was with my wife for nine years before we got married, and we had gotten tired of each other long before we tied the knot.  By the time the deed was done, it changed nothing.  I don't think marriage is anything, honestly, more than an antiquated, sentimental, tax form waltz.  Nothing changes, your feelings stay the same.  In a modern society, when people get married, they've already done the do, and they usually already live together, so marriage is no longer a rite in those regards.  I think we do it because we think we have to, like douching or listening to the Doors.

Short Answer:  Marriage is sweet, in concept, like mating for life like the wolves do.  But as an institution?  It can pretty much suck it.

Question: Now that I've returned from Switzerland, where were you when the Tzar was unseated?

Funny story.  I had just taken a substantial voyage, by widget-carriage of course, with my soon to be betrothed, Emma of Undicain.  Her incessant ramblings on the "way we were" were so extensive as to have a negative effect on my rheumatism, and I found myself spending a fortnight after returning on my hands and knees; which is humorous, because whilst I was in my throes, Emma managed to spend quite a bit of time on her hands and knees mouth-fornicating the parlor boys in a particularly vigorous fashion; or so I was told.

After burying her head separate from her body, as is the style in Vienna, we had a late lunch that was interrupted by news that the Tzar had been unseated.  I remember quipping, "What Tzar?" and everyone laughed, including the parlor boys.  And then I said, without humour, "What does unseated mean?" and they laughed a second, and then a tertiary time.

Short Answer: Here and there.

Question: By comparing and contrasting the different Late Night Talk Show Hosts, who do you think is the best?

That is specific.  Let's try it on.

Jay Leno sucks.  I want to be respectful, I do.  But come on.  You know that thing that talk show hosts do where they lead the person into an already prepared story, prompting them as if it were spontaneous?  What's that called?  Flobbering?  Sure.  Jay Leno is the worst flobberer in the history of variety television.  He flobbers the same way a pig looks clean. Letterman's not much better.  Conan is a little better, but it's always about him so it doesn't show as much.  And not because he's a selfish amateur or anything, but because he's consistently way funnier and way more entertaining than the guest he's trying to flobber. Both Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon are quite good at the flobber.  They both create an atmosphere in general on their respective shows that feels more like hanging out with old friends.  Ferguson does have a similar problem to Conan in this regard, where the show is more like a one man show than a talk show, so Fallon I think is the winner in the flobbering category.  I never feel like he does a bad one, and if he does, he doesn't really try to hide it. He just prompts because it seems he's genuinely interested in the answer.  As for Jimmy Kimmel, I don't know what that guy is doing.  Some times I think his whole show is one big inside joke that only he gets.  He's undoubtedly funny, though, so maybe I'm just bitter that I'm not in on the joke.

Sheer magnetism, you ask?  Point to Conan, all though Letterman had it in spades for awhile.  Ferguson's got it too, and Fallon has a little for sure.  Again, Kimmel, I don't know. I'm sure his mom thinks he has it.

Leno has none.

Bands?  The Roots from Fallon.  Destruction.

Quality of guests?  These days, it's still a tie between Leno and Letterman for most, but for me, it's Jimmy Fallon all the way.  I'm a fan of who he has on more consistently; simple as that.

The shit they do to kill time between guests, again goes to Fallon.  It used to be Conan, and I think we can thank Conan for creating the monster that Jimmy Fallon now is.  But beer pong with Betty White please.  Jay Leno should get some credit here, for headlines and Jay walking, but that shit got old.  Jay walking is still funny of course, but it's not original and he isn't doing anything.  It's just people being stupid.  Wait, he doesn't do anything with headlines either.  Leno.  Honorable mention to Jimmy Kimmel.  Love the unnecessary censorship.

Monologue.  This is a big one, so I'm awarding two points for it.  It's the only one where the man (though he may have a team of writers doing the jokes) stands alone.  It is he, the host, bare, attempting to do two or three minutes of fresh, relevant stand-up to a cold audience - at least the home audience.  Leno's always had decent writers, but the way he delivers jokes is the way a galvanized, serrated forceps monster would deliver a premature baby.  Bloody disgusting.  Letterman was the man, usurped by age and Conan.  Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel have good writers, Fallon's may even be great.  But these points are awarded, pants down, to Craig Ferguson.  He is the epitome of the off the cuff, improv-funny, one man show that is so greatly lacking on television.  His monologues are awesome, because he's hilarious.  Where never the twain shall meet, he's the Samuel Clemons of being funny all by his lonesome.

Jay Leno - 0
David Letterman - 0
Conan - 1 (Sheer Magnetism)
Jimmy Kimmel - 0
Craig Ferguson - 2 (Monologue)
Jimmy Fallon - 4 (Flobbering, Band, Guests, Between Guests)

Short Answer: Jimmy Fallon is the new king of late night.

Question: What do you think the best power would be to have: invisibility, teleportation or flight/levitation?

I'm going to come out and say it.  I honestly believe that any man, when he's offered the question of invisibility, automatically thinks of checking out girls naked.  I believe this, to my core, that even the most righteous among us will instantly imagine themselves watching a girl change.  Now, accepting that and moving forward, I'd also like to believe that a lot of us (maybe not me) would rethink that quickly, feeling it is pervy, or dirty or an invasion of privacy.  I may think it's a victim-less crime, (as Nelson so aptly puts it, " a punch in the dark."), but even I in my ever increasing maturity (laughter offstage) think that it's a bit rude.  So, because I don't want to face my voyeuristic demons, I will rule out invisibility right here.

Teleportation would be awesome.  I am so lazy.  This would work well for me.  Also, I'd save on flights and those air-miles don't buy you shit anyway.  I've been collecting for ten years, and all I can buy is one really big shoe.

Flight is a dream man's had for eternity.  Now we can fly, so for me it's lost a little majesty. I'm neither the kind of person who has flying dreams, nor wants to visit the moon, nor/or any of that Ray Bradbury crap.  (Just for the record, I'm a huge Ray Bradbury fan.)  Still, it would be cool to fly, in a getting away from it all kinda way.  But in terms of travel, teleportation would be quicker.  Therefore...

Short Answer: Teleportation.

Question: Who would win in a break dance battle: Eddie Gordo (Tekken), Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) or Spider-Man (Marvel Comics)?

I can't help but think that Mutagen is going to play a large part here.

Eddie Gordo can go fuck hisself.  He's a capoeira fighter, so right off the bat, I can't even trust in his root training regime in the art of "serving."  Plus, if you've ever played Tekken, Gordo is the worst guy to fight against.  Fucker never stands still and he's always coming at you from fucked up heights and angles.  Like that thing he does where he steps in, makes a complete front flip, then just before he hits the grounds, kicks you in the shin from a back lay out position.  What the hell is that?  And here I am, blocking high, switching to mid, and gettin' kicked in the shin.  Gordo can eff off.  Besides, he's just a man.

Next, representing in his beat boy stance, is the Spider-Man.  I suppose, at some point in his epic continuity, he has shown some break dancing skill, but I've never read that, so it's as if it never happened.  He's clearly capable - spider powers and such - of doing these crazy moves, but that doesn't mean he has the training or the talent for it.  I don't remember Spidey ever having a true power for mimicry, so that's that if you ask me.

Michelangelo rules.  Try to justify any of the other turtles as the best turtle, and that shit falls on deaf ears with me.  Raphael was more complex.  Leonardo was the fearless leader. Donatello was really smart.  Who gives a shit.  Michelangelo stomped ass, ate shit loads of pizza and loved life to the fullest.  Game, set, nunchuk, match.  Back to the point, compared to those other dudes (Gordo and Spidey), he has three major advantages.  One: Mutagen. Two: Actual break dancing skill and application of said skill.  Three: Shell.  For epic, unending spinnage.

Note: In case you don't know, Mutagen is the shit that turned a little itty-bitty pet turtle into the aforementioned mud-hole stomper who's about to win this competition.  That shit is tight, boy-ee.

Short Answer: Michelangelo in landslide fashion.