Friday, October 29, 2010

Question: What is your favorite Stephen King story?

Wow.  Wow.  So hard to answer this without spoilers.  Normally I wouldn't, but this is tough; so be warned.  Also, it's important to note that I interpreted this question as short stories, so I'm gonna go with that initial instinct.  I'll include a brief list of my favorite novels by Mr. King at the end of the answer.

First and foremost, I know which one is my favorite right off the bat, but I won't reveal that yet.  First I'm just gonna rip the one's off the top of my head that have always stayed with me.  The Mist, Autopsy Room Four, Children of the Corn, Quitters Inc., Sorry Right Number, The Ten O'Clock People, Sometimes They Come Back, The Body, Umney's Last Case, The Road Virus Heads North, The Long Walk, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, Graveyard Shift, The Running Man, Jerusalem's Lot, The Raft, The Milkman #1 & #2, The Lawnmower Man, The Langoliers, You Know They Got a Hell of a Band, In the Deathroom, 1408, Beachworld.

There it is.  Stephen King's influence, ladies and gentleman.  The fact that the list above is that long is very telling.  I'm surprised and a little delighted.  Plus, there's probably more, and even if I looked at a list of all his work, I wouldn't necessarily remember all the great ones by title (or maybe I would).

To the goods.  My third favorite Stephen King short story is called the Night Flier.  It's about a tabloid journalist who is chasing down a man who is killing people at small airports.  The main character thinks that the crazed murderer must think he's a vampire.  What I remember loving about the story is that there was a lot of night flying, and the dance is in the pursuit, but the locale of the dance is very different than most stories.  Original, fast and fun, it delivers on all fronts, including a bathroom scene you won't soon forget.

My second favorite Stephen King short story is called Cain Rose Up.  It's short, sweet and simple, and I really can't tell you anything without ruining it.

My favorite all time Stephen King short story is a big part of who I am as a writer. The lasting image of horror at the end of The Jaunt has been stapled to my brain, and never leaves me.  The story is bendy; sort-of science fiction, kinda fun, fifties future stuff.  But the end...whoa nelly.  I'll never get it off the backs of my eyes.

My Favorite Stephen King novels, in no particular order, are: The Dark Half, Wizard and Glass, Dolores Claiborne, The Talisman (with Peter Straub), The Eyes of the Dragon (another hugely influential book to my makeup), Needful Things, Dreamcatcher, The Tommyknockers and Pet Sematary.

I think it's worth mentioning in the spirit of full disclosure that my favorite thing by Stephen King of all time is his book on writing, brilliantly called, On Writing.  Also, I'm in the middle of reading Danse Macabre as we speak, and so far it is glorious.

Short Answer: The Jaunt, from the book of collected stories entitled Skeleton Crew.

Question: What was your favorite Halloween costume from when you were a kid?

So easy.  Papa Smurf.  Old school style: plastic pants, plastic shirt, hard plastic mask with the black elasto-band around the noggin.  I remember being super young and wearing all that shit over my snowsuit.  Sorry this answer isn't more thorough, but where I grew up most Halloweens you were either a rock star or a ninja, so that one really stands out.

Short Answer: Papa Smurf.  A distant second would be the time in grade six I dressed up as a mime in my mom's aerobics gear and you could totally see my epic, budding, puberty bundle.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Question: Who is funnier - Tom Hardy or Oliver Hardy?

I think this might require some more thought.  Perhaps we should include more Hardys? Tom Hardy of course is an actor, famous for playing the baddy in Star Trek: Nemesis. Oliver Hardy is the fat guy from the comedy troupe Laurel and Hardy.  Between them, the contest seems too close.  I need more Hardys.  Don Ed Hardy was a tattoo artist.  He has tattoos on his neck.  That shit terrifies me.  He's not funny.  (Unless you want to be funny, Mr. Hardy, then that's cool with me.)  There's G.H. Hardy, this British mathematician.  He's into math.  He's not funny.  How about Thomas Hardy, the famous English writer?  He was part of the naturalist movement and dug supernatural themes.  Not the funniest topics.  He's not funny.  Jeff and Matt Hardy are wrestlers; the professional kind.  They smash themselves and others with Tables, Ladders, and Chairs.  They will kill you.  They're not funny.  The Hardy Boys, however, famous pre-teen novel detectives, are kind of effeminate and charming, which I personally find amusing, but I don't know how funny it is.  Boy, this is tough.  Wait a second, to tell you the truth, I don't find Oliver Hardy all that funny.  Maybe I'm on to something here.  Yes, that's it.  People with the last name Hardy are not funny.

Short Answer: Though no one named Hardy is particularly funny, Tom Hardy is the correct answer because he's relevant.

Question: With Halloween coming up, can you recommend five must-see horror films that have come out in the last five years?

Yes.  Yes I can.

This question is eating me alive.  First off, only five?  You must hate me.  Second-ably, is Best the same as Must-See?  Probably not, but Best films are Must-Sees, right?  Therefore, can I just do a list of the Best from the last five years?  Am I twisting the question to make it easier?  Am I still in my underwear at eight minutes after noon?

Here's the deal.  The mandate of this blog is to answer the damn questions without too much thought, so I'm gonna answer the damn question.  Five Must-See horror films.  Now, if you want a list of just the best, or my favorites, or a specific "good for Halloween" list, that will have to be a different answer.  So, away we go.

#5} Eden Lake (2008)   IMDB 7/10   Rotten Tomatoes 83%

This little, British gem stars the now famous Michael Fassbender as the male member of a couple trying to drive to a lake in the English countryside for some one-on-one downtime.  Shit goes south.  This is one of those "real horror" horror movies that makes you squirm and keeps you tense as you get overtly pissed off that it's going down the way it is.

What makes this one a Must-See is that there's a sense of injustice about the film that I find very frustrating and terrifying.

#4} Let The Right One In (2008)   IMDB 8.1/10   Rotten Tomatoes 97%

If you haven't heard of this Swedish movie by now, you must live under a blanket under a rock.  This movie blew up last year and spawned (big surprise) an American remake that just hit theaters like a sack of shit slapping against a barn door, sliding all the way to the ground leaving a disgusting (opening weekend of about five million) shitty smear.  The original, however, is just that: original.  I'll tell you nothing, for if you know nothing, crawl out from under the rock and consider yourself lucky, and go buy it.  Word to the wise, however, make sure on the back of the box it reads something along the lines of "theatrical subtitles".  This movie has interesting, subtle dialogue but when it was put out on DVD, they did a way crappier, simplified translation.  You want to make sure you've got the real deal, which is the theatrical release translation.

The reason this one is a Must-See is because it is a great film.  Moving, touching and a little sad.

#3} REC (2007)   IMDB 7.7/10   Rotten Tomatoes 96%

The cover of the DVD says, "The movie that inspired Quarantine".  Ouch.  Quarantine is the American remake of the Spanish original REC (for record, as seen on the screen of a camera).  The American film is quite solid, if a little less impactful towards the end, but only achieves its success because it follows so closely to the original.  REC is one of those great in your face, what the fuck is going on? horror movies that are so rarely done with this level of thought and execution.  I warn you, however, it is a hand-held, documentary style movie, so if you don't like that because you're a douche, or more legitimately, it makes you nauseated, perhaps this film is not for you.  If you're willing to try and overcome your bullshit, this movie is a fucking thrill ride.

A Must-See movie for horror genre fans specifically, but also great for seekers of high tension antics.  This one's a racehorse.

#2} The Orphanage (2007)   IMDB 7.7/10   Rotten Tomatoes 86%

Another Spanish film, this one might be a little lacking for fans of horror who are really just in it for the kill.  By that I mean, the gore-mongerors, or the slasher/giallo  fans. (Not an insult: I am both of those things, unapologetically.)  This one's more of a ghosty, atmospheric thinker.  But it may be the best ghosty, atmospheric thinker ever made.

This film would be in my Any Genre Must-See films of the last five years list.

#1} Inside (2007)   IMDB 7/10   Rotten Tomatoes 83%

Ah, France.  You have become the masters of horror.  I don't know how you did it.  Maybe it's the awesome health care or the wine-at-every-meal lifestyle, but you've done it; climbed to the top of the Horror world.  One could argue, that if I put together the best five Must-See horror movies from France of the last five years, it would rival this very list I'm making now.

To the point, Inside is everything I've ever wanted in a horror movie.  It's spooky, scary, tense, fucked-up, gory and evil.  At first you don't know what the fuck is going on, and later, you kinda wish you still didn't.  It's a simple movie that seems complicated; also cool.  You manage to actually care about the main characters.  It flows nicely, but there are clear horror set-ups that you enjoy not because they are obvious, but because they blend so well with the story.

Now don't get me wrong; this movie isn't perfect.  It's not like the above mentioned Orphanage in terms of its quality and execution, but instead takes a more stylish and original turn, in terms of content as well as sound and visual design.

Watch it.  If you don't laugh gleefully when things are killed, don't watch it.  If you are squeamish about where that blade is going to be get the idea.

#6-Infinity} The Honorable Mentions

The way around just picking five for me was the idea of doing a lengthy honorable mentions section, but the article is already fairly lengthy, so I'll try to be brief.  Also, by no means does the presence of honorable mentions take away from the five films I've answered the question with.  I took my time, those are the Must-See five, I assure you.  These others were never really contenders, but they are worth a look.

In no particular order: Planet Terror, The Descent, The Strangers, Cloverfield, Teeth, The House of the Devil, Drag Me To Hell, Behind the Mask, Martyrs, Bug, The Hills Have Eyes, Slither, Hatchet and my personal favorite honorable mention, the brilliant Piranha (3D) by Alexander Aja.  Keep 'em comin', buddy!

Short Answer: The Must-See movies of the last five years in Horror, are: Inside, The Orphanage, REC, Let The Right One In and Eden Lake.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Question: Who do you think Tom Hardy should play in the next Batman?

Before answering who he should play, let me try to figure out some of the possibilities.  Also, before we start, I'd like to say I fucking love Tom Hardy.

Obviously Bat-fans of the world have convinced themselves that the Riddler is next.  Tom Hardy as the Riddler doesn't seem to make a lot of conventional sense, but you never know.  What I'm dying to bring up is this wonderful trade paperback called Joker, written by Brian Azzarello (art by Lee Bermejo).  In it, the Riddler shows up, and he's an older broken sort, with a brown hat and crutches.  To me, he looks like Johnny Depp, so ever since I read it, I can't picture anyone else as the Riddler.  Plus the fact that if you have to follow up Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, you need someone with pretty intense chops, and Depp fits the bill.  But that's not really why I'm dying to bring the book up.  In it as well is an incarnation of Killer Croc as a bashed-up, scarred-up mob guy.  With rumours (or facts, now?) that Bats 3 will film in Louisiana, signs point to a Killer Croc  appearance.  Tom Hardy was in a movie called Bronson and if you picture him that way, you could see him as this realistic version of Croc, which would fit much more easily into Christopher Nolan's world than the crazy, mutant version.

As of the time this is being written, we can't say if Tom Hardy is going to be the main guy.  He could be a lawyer, a friend of Bruce's, a secondary or primary villain or any other nameless thing that the Nolans have come up with.  Instead of listing how many different characters he could be, I'll simply answer the Question.

He should be the Penguin.  Not the weirdo, silly Burgess Meridith Penguin.  He should be the low down, dirty-dealing, arms race bad ass penguin.  Not that he needs a monocle, but speaking of picturing the way he looked in other movies, imagine the character Tom Hardy played in Nemesis, but add the monocle.  I think that's pretty damned Penguin-y.  But to hell with that.  Toss the bigger nose and the monocle.  Just having him be a Guy Ritchie style thug in the Nolan universe would totally work.  And so what if this version of the Penguin can take matters into his own hands when the time comes?  All the better to dance with the Bat.

Short Answer:  The Penguin.  And please, no Catwoman.  We love Batman's duality, not his romantic confusion.  Catwoman brings nothing but mundanity and a confusion of a moral code so simple as to be below the great Bruce Wayne.  Besides, I don't think Hardy would look all that good in leather.  Just kidding, he would.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Question: What's your favorite cereal?

I'm not a kid.  I can't live on Captain Crunch.  I need fibre, assholes.  So what cereal is full of fibre, but still tastes like a Pac-Man cereal marshmallow?  Nothing, that's what.  The closest thing I can find is Mini-Wheats, original white flavor.  It's shredded wheat with built in sugar, so you don't have to feel like an unhealthy jerk while you pour sugar all over your shredded wheat.

I'd like Just Right a lot if it didn't turn to mush in fourteen seconds.  Another benefit of the Mini-Wheat, it holds up to the milk properly.

I know their are cereals with more fibre than Mini-Wheats, by the way, so don't get your junk in a knot.  Mini-Wheats is just the right balance between healthy and not cardboard-y.

Short Answer: Mini-mini-mini-mini-Wheats.

Question: What do you think of the Soundgarden Reunion? New Track Black Rain?

I really don't care.  I haven't heard the track, nor do I care to.  It's not that I think it will be bad, it's just I think Soundgarden started to suck before they broke up.  So what are the chances they're going to recapture something?  More than likely, their new album will sound like Down on the Upside, when I'd rather it sound like Badmotorfinger.

Short Answer: I get it.  It's the new way.  Bands don't die, they keep going and going.  Thank shit for that, or we'd have no Loverboy.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Question: Why do dice hate me?

What you have to understand, is that to dice, you are the "Man".  That proverbial cog in the effervescent shit-machine, tied either to bureaucracy or government, who controls and dumps on the little guy.  You fling dice around, for your own amusement, and hope they'll bring you fortune, with no care how the dice feels.  The dichotomy of dice existence is bad enough, without you, the "Man" pitching his ass against Monopoly boards, or worse, against the sides of backgammon walls or craps rails.

Try to have a little more compassion.  Be one with the dice.  Sing "Luck be a Lady" and give them a kiss, then let some hot bitch blow on them.  Maybe that will change your luck.

Short Answer:  Dice hate everyone.  There is no hope.

Question: Who would you be more comfortable with letting your wife have a one night stand with: Jack Burton or Snake Plissken?

First off, my wife is a whore, so I'd be very surprised if she managed to have only a one night stand with anyone.  But I suppose in the interest of good answer-dom, I should act as if this were a special occasion, not a random dick at the bus stop.

The question is about comfort level, and for this one, I gotta go with Jack Burton.  Snake is a steel-munching, ass-kicking, cigar smoking man's man.  Not only would he destroy my wife in bed, he would leave her in complete shambles for future men, including me.  How could anyone compete with that?  But Jack is basically a bumbling idiot, though awesome in his own hilarious way.  He would be like a sad puppy dog in bed, and he'd probably cry afterward.  The next night, I'd look like Snake Plissken by comparison, and that's good.

Short Answer: I would feel comfortable having a one night stand with Lopan.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Question: Why writing? Why be an architect of words?

I guess the simplest answer is that I've always done it.  I wrote these parody detective novels when I was about ten, and I never really stopped.  Took me awhile to figure out it was my bag, though. When I was trying to decide what to do with my life, I'd always think of things that would allow me to be creative, like, "I'll weld for six months, then I can take pictures for six months."  Eventually, I figured out that all I was ever trying to do was find time to be creative.  Writing, though I'd always done it, was kind of thrust upon me as a career choice, because I can't really tell a story any other way.  I'm a visual artist by nature, not tangibly, but in the sense that I see things in my head very clearly.  I can't draw worth a damn, though, so I had to turn to words.  Writing for me is almost a struggle to get what's in my head into someone else's.

Short Answer: I like to think I'm a storyteller.  I want to believe that it is an important tradition, and I'd be proud to be a part of it.  The architecture is simply trying to make the story last, to make it as stable and beautiful as possible.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Poll Results: Who is your favorite murderer of teenagers and upholder of society's strict moral code?

Michael Myers is the winner with 28%!  Of course he is.  Nice try, other jerks.

Question: If I suddenly awoke from a nightmare in your bed at 3am, would you call me Allison and tell me to go back to sleep? Or would you have Ving Rhames shoot me in the head?

This is sort of an "if you're in the know" type of question, and I'd like to broaden the readership, so I'll answer it as honestly and directly as possible.

If you suddenly woke up from a nightmare in my bed, I'd assume that I knew you were in my bed in the first place.  If you were, I'd assume you were a hot girl with huge boobs and wide hips, and I'd flip you over and get down to some 3am type shenanigans.  The fact that you awoke from a nightmare would not deter me.  "There, there," I'd say, and it would be weird for you but great for me.

If you like, I will call you Allison, but I might also yell some other weird shit, like, "It's just the Alamo, we can take it!" or "Thar she blows, the great white whale!" or "I'm done in the Jefferies tube, are the plasma coils back online?" or "I'm the best there is at what I do!" or "They're coming to get you, Barbara!" or "Arch your back more, Leopold!"  You get the idea.

As for Ving Rhames, I don't see him fitting into the scenario, even if he is a super bad ass.  Maybe if it was like a weird fetish thing, where you were a hooker that I'd hired and I had set it up so that after I was done with you, he would come and take care of the body, then I'd be down.

This was probably not the answer you were looking for, on account of all the sex and violence.  Then again...

Short Answer: I'm  not so good with multiple choice, so my conditional answer is:  If you're a dude, you'd probably get shot.  If you're a chick, you'd probably get boned and called Allison, among other hateful things.

Question: What's it like going through life with a passing physical, and eerily similar vocal resemblance, to actor Jake Weber?

For those who don't know, Jake Weber was the star/hero of the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake by Zack Snyder.  He was in some other stuff, too, but I don't care about that.

What's weird about this question is that Jake Weber is from England, so to answer the question from a first-person point of view, I'd have to take on the role of someone who's regular speaking voice sounds like a British guy trying to do an American accent.

Also, Jake Weber is hot.  So I'd have to assume I'm very good looking.  No problems there.  Even my mom would agree that I'm quite the looker.

So, I suppose, the answer is, it's pretty awesome.

Short Answer: Jake Weber is cool, so people who remind you of him are also cool.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Question: What do you think about people dressing up their dogs for Halloween?

I like dogs.  You might even say I'm a dog lover.  I will kiss your dog, and let it lick the inside of my mouth.

I used to think that putting anything on a dog was stupid, because they're animals.  But now we have access to everything in the whole world, spoiled brats that we are, and we take things from all over. There are certain dogs that were not bred for certain climates, so I've been coming around on the whole sweater thing.

As for costumes, I don't think you should put, let's say, a Santa hat and elf booties on your dog at Christmas, 'cause he doesn't know what the fuck you're doing.  But Halloween?  That's tricky.  Halloween kicks ass, and sharing the joy of dressing up with the ones you love, like your dog, makes some sense.  Maybe there should be some guidelines, though, to weed out those who would use my kindness to dress up their hounds in a bullshit way.

Halloween Costume Rule For Your Dog #1: It can't be too cute.  If you're being cute, you're missing the point of Halloween.  Your dog is not a sorority girl, so it's costuming mission should be hilarity or awesomeness, not cuteness or slutty-ness.

Halloween Costume Rule For Your Dog #2: Don't dress your dog up as another animal.  Besides probably breaking rule 1, this is also dangerous in terms of identity crisis.  You don't want your dog thinking it's an alligator, or it might start trying to drown you in the bath tub.  (I'm not the only one that takes baths with my dog, am I?)

Halloween Costume Rule For Your Dog #3: Just like a dog with a people name is funny, so is a dog in people costume.  Instead of Papa Smurf, go with the Mummy.  Instead of a bunny, try Elvis.  This will work out.  But don't make it too cute, or your dog will shit in your purse.

Halloween Costume Rule For Your Dog #4: Whatever you choose, don't ruin the whole thing by being an asshole and making a huge deal out of your dog's costume.  People will be impressed, you don't need to rub their noses in it.  Everybody likes a good costume, so just do a good job.  Do you run around the Halloween party yelling, "Check this shit out, I'm a used condom!" or whatever you happen to be wearing.  (I assume that's what most people wear, things like that.  I don't go to many Halloween parties but I think that's about right.)

Short Answer: I'm surprised to say it, but I think this is okay within reason.  But don't be surprised if in response to dress-up, Sparky lays a surprise on your pillow that night.

Question: Can you explain deja vu? Didn't I already ask you this?

I'm not answering this again.

Short Answer: I'm not answering this again.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Question: Director's cuts. Self-indulgent money grabs, worthwhile studies of the artist's vision, or bonus entertainment?

Complex thing, these director's cuts.  Let's do it by the book.

Self-indulgent money grabs:  There is undoubtedly a large percentage of not only director's cuts, but also special editions, extended editions, final cuts, unrated cuts and kitchen sink cuts to warrant a strong case for monetary grabbage.  This one is definitely a yes.

Worthwhile studies of the artist's vision:  This is best case scenario, when the Studio (capital S for the metaphorical evil studio) sends a dirty editor of their own to chop up a movie for pace, and the director gets a chance after the fact to show his true vision.  I think this is legitimate, but should in no way be assumed without further research.

Bonus entertainment:  This is the trickiest, because I like the idea of more good stuff about something I dig, but I hate when my understanding of the product gets marred.  What I mean is, say I like a film a lot.  Then, a director's cut comes out, and the film is different, be it due to feel, message or blatant plot or character shifts.  I end up having to ask myself, "What was the director's original intention?  What was I supposed to think and feel about these things, if now I think and feel something different for each version?  What time is my burrito coming out of the microwave?  Come on, is this the future, or what? Let's go, microwave, you piece of shit!"

My conclusion is that most of the time we're seeing money grabs, but every now and then, a director's cut rights the universe's wrongs.

Short Answer:  Hilarious, universe, my burrito is too hot to eat.

Question: With the popularity of Piranha 3D and Sharktopus, SURELY the seeds have been planted for the demise of vampires and zombies. If not the horrors from the sea, what will?

I honestly don't think it's possible for a true demise to occur.  Vampires may be popular because of Twilight, but they are cool and awesome despite crap like that.  Zombies are untouchable in terms of coolness (though I guess I would've said the same about Vampires until just a little while ago.  At least they won't have dreamy Zombies in high school romances.  Will they?)  The brutal truth is, and I hate to be deep when talking horror, these creatures, possibly above all others, are wonderful, powerful metaphors, and no matter how much they get kitched up, they still remain strong.  I will not go on to explain how these creatures are metaphorical, I'm not your elementary school teacher and if you're reading this blog, I assume your intelligence is high enough to get it. Otherwise, trust me, I guess.

So, the question then becomes, what is the next big thing?  What can out Vampire Twilight and out Zombie Romero?  The answer is simple; mashing the two together into some sort of undead nonsense and creating said nonsense with the use of oddly cheap CG and pawning it off as original.  I Am Legend was a piece of shit.

Vampires got hot for reasons I don't get, and Zombies, in my little world, have always been this big.  My prayer is for the werewolf, for I love him, but Twilight seems to have popularized and ass-raped werewolves as well.

I'll venture a theory.  The next big thing, following the cycle of movie theme popularity, would be Vampire parody films.  That could go for a bit, but these parody phases are never as big as the original push.  I think a better answer, though already huge, is the superhero.  The superhero as a genre has survived multiple cycles of real, silly, parody and heartfelt, and it's still alive and super-kicking.  Is it possible that it will get even bigger?  I think so.

(By the way, on a very personal note, I love horrors from the sea.)

Short Answer: I would love to believe that there will be eighteen more movies that are as gratuitous and enjoyable as Piranha, and that those types of films will become the new big thing, but we all know that ain't gonna happen.  Let's hope they keep putting dollars into the superhero/comic book/graphic novel thing, so that it remains the big draw and we get to see all those awesome properties on the big screen.

Question: Space travel or time travel - which would you experience if you could only choose one? Why?

This one is easy as punch.  Time travel would be way more interesting to me, based on my desire to control everything around me.  Time travel would be the ultimate opportunity to fuck with things and try to redesign them in my own image.  Whereas space travel would just be stupid suits, bad food and pooping in a vacuum.  

I would meet Pontious Pilate before he condemns Jesus and make a joke about washing my hands, so that when he said the words later, my face would pop into his head while he was sentencing the son of god to die.
I'd go back and ask Socrates an arbitrary question, and when he answered with a question, I'd give him shit for answering in the form of a question, and do that in the form of a question, and I'd keep that up until he had a heart attack.
I'd wait until Nostradamus was on his death bed, and I'd take the last thing he wrote in hand and say, laughing, "This is way off."
I'd ask Constantine if he was sure that this was a good idea.
I'd fuck Sigmund Freud.
You get the idea.

Short Answer: Time travel because it's way more fun and the only tang you have to deal with is of the ancient Roman poon variety.

Question: What do you think would make a great horror film and has yet to be attempted within the genre?

The mandate for this blog is that I answer everything, fast and without too much thought.  This question creates a conflict of interest, in the sense that if I actually answer it honestly, I'm not protecting my intellectual property and giving the world a great idea.  I love horror movies, and I've written a few, but I can't be revealing my life blood to just anyone.

So instead, I'll answer thusly:  I would like to see a horror movie where a cock-monster attacks, and the whole movie is full of gratuitous nudity, violence and cock-monster.  I don't think that's been attempted, but I think it would be great.  A woman, screaming, horrified, as she gets rolled over by the biggest, hairiest balls you've ever seen.  The main theme of the movie would be Rock Lobster by the B-52's, except Cock Monster.

Short Answer:  Cock-Monster.  Copyright me.

Question: If Wil Wheaton and Wiley Wiggins had to fight to the death for my amusement, who would win?

In case you don't know, Wil Wheaton played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Wiley Wiggins is that whiny kid from Dazed and Confused.  I think the key to this answer is in the wording of the question.  I honestly don't think I could figure this one out, except for the fact that you said "for my amusement."

First off, they'd fight in the ring from the original Star Trek series episode, "The Gamesters of Triskelion."  You know the one, where Kirk has to fight all those thralls at once in the end, with that sweet fight music, and you can only step on certain parts of the ground.  I'd give Wil the net and trident, and Wiley would get that overlay heavy poleaxe looking thing that's clearly made out of Styrofoam.  I would initially bet 100 Quatloos on Wiley, but when the Providers (rulers of the planet, keepers of the thralls and brains in jars), fooled by my superior intellect, begin to go for that shit, I'd change my bet to 500 Quatloos on Wil.  Those assholes.

The fight will of course be a paltry example of man to man combat, as Wil repeatedly tries to use his time traveler powers as if he were really Wesley Crusher and Wiley keeps dipping the nose of his spear to the ground while tucking his hair behind his ears.  Eventually, the oft-repeated hair tuck will be Wiley's downfall, as he is left defenseless against the thrown net of Wheaton.  Once entangled, that bitch will complain like a girl, but somehow manage to take his subsequent paddling like a man.

I will collect my Quatloos.

Short Answer: This is a draw by all accounts, but draws are lame.  Wil Wheaton grew up to be kind of a cool dude, but I don't know what happened to Wiley, so Wil is the winner.