Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day One: Genesis (not the su-su-sudio kind or the kind from Wrath of Khan)

People told me I should blog.  As a verb? I asked.  They ignored my joke.  Assholes.  So I said, fine everyone, what should I blorg about?  They corrected me, and explained that because blog was an invented, made-up, bullshit word, you could use blog in any context as any part of speech.  It did not need to be conjugated.  I was also told that adding an R into a word is not conjugation.  Barllsacs, I said to that.  But here we are.  Bloggering.  I asked myself (that part's the rub) What will I blog about?  I'm like all of you, I have various interests and opinions, some strong, some stronger.  I'm a full, textured individual, a veritable shag carpet of our society.  So what then?  I could rant long and hard about the things I know the most about, but why bother?  When you know a lot about something, it's harder to exchange ideas; I end up preaching by mistake.  So what about things I know nothing about.  Well, who wants to read a guy go on about things he doesn't get?  That bird's beak is long.  Do other birds have long-ass beaks like that?  Shit, I don't know.  Yea, worst bloggerage ever.  Then, it came to me.  Instead of me having to make a decision for and by myself, which is hard to do on your couch and on your ass, I thought, why not get other people to make that decision for me?  Anyone who knows me knows I can riff.  Maybe I should leave it up to you, people of the known world, to inspire my horse shit.  Yea, horse shit.  I'm bringing it back.  So step up, friends and neighbors.  Come to my door and "let me know you're on the registered sex offender list".  And while you're here, ask me a question.  I'll answer.  It will be like getting advice, but less pretentious and shittier.  And hopefully - cross your fingers - way more entertaining.

So, post your comments and include questions.  They can be advice type questions, or questions about pop culture.  Hell, they can be anything.  If you already know me, ask me about something you know I'll dig my teeth into.  If you don't know me, even better, ask me about your dog and whether I like him.  You'd be surprised how thorough an answer I can give.  You can even ask me about the word thorough.  Don't be shy.  Ask Keith Anything!

37 comments:

  1. Geddy Lee. What do you think?

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  2. Since the "War on Drugs" is a failure, should all drugs be made legal? (Heavy question right?)

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  3. Should I get a tattoo? If so, what should it be of?

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  4. What's a good thing to do on a rainy day off?

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  5. What do you think of James Cameron's films?

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  6. Keith, why is it that Bart, Lisa and Maggie are the only Simpsons characters without an animated hair colour?

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  7. Who would win in a footrace between Batman, Jack Bauer and Jesus? Why?

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  8. Now that Zombies and Vampires have been thoroughly destroyed by popular culture, what is the next horror film monster to jump the already jumped shark...shark?

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  9. Dr. Pepper: Great soda, or the greatest soda?

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  10. Where do lost socks go? And on a more personal level, where do you hope they go?

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  11. Could you write a brief though graphic tale featuring these three things: A domesticated cat, a barely functioning antique rifle, and a statue that comes to life?

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  12. If evolution were merely a means to an end, what would you hope that end to be?

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  13. Space travel or time travel - which would you experience if you could only choose one? Why?

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  14. What do you think would make a great horror film and has yet to be attempted within the genre?

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  15. Why writing? Why be an architect of words?

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  16. Now that I've returned from Switzerland, where were you when the Tzar was unseeted?

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  17. What is your horror movie dream cast and why?

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  18. Hypothetical: You're God, you've just spent the past six days creating everything, you're tired, your back hurts and you feel like you've made a few mistakes along the way. So what do you do to blow off steam on day seven?

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  19. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you read the made-up word: Mleedoing? Why?

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  20. Could you compose a limmerick of some kind involving Santa Claus in a compromising position?

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  21. If you could give Sarah Palin any advice, what would it be?

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  22. What is the first, second and third thing you would do if you woke up naked in a dark, abandoned city behind a sour dumpster with naught but a newspaper for cover?

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  24. This is a personal opinion question: Why do we trust science? Science, like religion, is perceived and understood by man who is marred and shabby and imperfect, so why do you think people seem to trust the man in the lab coat rather than the man in the robes, though neither can claim perfection? (as an aside, I believe in science).

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  25. If we didn't know why the sky the was blue, how would you explain it?

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  26. Could you write a series of horror Haiku? (I am looking for four to five of them on the same theme).

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  27. How would you sabotage Santa's operation?

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  28. What is the perfect christmas gift for these three people: Stephen King, Jesus, Freddie Kruger? Why?

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  29. If you were tasked with performing a christmas miracle, what would it be?

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  30. If you had to write under an assumed name or perhaps use the title as your new identity while in a hypothetical witness protection, what would your choice be and why?

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  31. What is the perfect meal as made by you and the perfect meal as made for you?

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  32. What do you feel is the biggest success of the last decade (on a world stage) and its biggest stumble?

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  33. If you had to, what would your rewrite of the national anthem look like?

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  34. What is the difference between the made up product, Flurmot and cheddar cheese (disregarding the fact that the first product is made up)?

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  35. Who is the most trusted manufacturer of premium Flurmot?

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  36. MIchael Bay vs. James Cameron - in what will assuredly be an unholy, poorly written bloodbath, which side would you cheer for?

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