Friday, February 23, 2018

Question: Ever get high and eat a breakfast burrito?

...hold on, hold one sec, I'm at this very second formulating the greatest joke ever told...

Why did the washing machine buy a gun?

As a laundry deterrent.

If you're laughing: See? I'm your queen!
If you're not laughing: Stop masturbating and pay attention.
If you're really not laughing, and your hands are ungooified: Yes, I fell short of the mark, here.

Wait...is this joke even better than I thought it was?

Anyway, what's the bloody question again?

Oh, right. I asked it of myself.

Breaking the law, breaking the law!

I'm high.

Woke up in the middle of the Germany/Canada game, stayed up to watch, so not much sleep. Then, it started snowing all purdy like, and I thought, 'I'm up, and it's so nice. What should I do?' Then I thought, 'MacDonalds?' (Because I'm still programmed to think that you can only get MacDonald's breakfast if you're a loser who wakes up early.) And then I thought, 'I'm not high enough for that.'

You with me so far?

Then I got high and got MacDonald's breakfast burritos. Flash forward to a few minutes ago when I wrote this question to myself (ignoring everyone's hard work in the queue) and decided to write 'a' burrito, because I felt a bout of marijuana-onset shame that I'd eaten two, even though they come in pairs, so no one would've thought that was weird.

Weed has turned me into a goddamn, fucking liar.

Interlude: Between the waking up and the eating of filth, I was walking home listening to a marketing podcast. It was talking about Canadian coins, and suddenly, I decided that the fact we came out with a one dollar 'loonie' then named our follow-up, two-dollar coin the 'toonie' is the funniest thing that's every fucking happened. I considered how high I must be, succumbed, then laughed out loud like a crazy person and muttered, 'ah, toonie' under my breath with a shake of my head.

I just forgot what the question was again.

Let's just end this. Let's end it!

Short Answer: I want three packets of salsa, not two. This world is shit.


Thursday, February 22, 2018

Question: By screenplay alone, what are the 10 best Science Fiction films?

I really do like this question, and in no way do I wish to split hairs, but I'm of the belief that the best films are the best screenplays. As a writer, I don't think this is a controversial opinion. Also, as a writer, I'm drunk enough to claim it's the correct opinion, and I'll fuck your wife to prove it.

Let's be honest. I haven't read the screenplays for the best sci-fi movies ever made. Some people do read scripts, but they're stupid.

So I'm thinking we're looking at the best sci-fi movies that are good primarily because of their writing? As opposed to, say, amount of black monoliths or running Logans?

(Super pleased with that 'running Logans' joke. Super. Pleased.)

Let's give it a shot.

Top Ten Sci-Fi Movies With Tubular Screenwriting Chops

Fuck me. Let's try again.

Top Ten Best Written Science Fiction Films

10) Her - Yea, that movie about how Scarlett Johansson is sexy even when you can only see her voice. This movie is bootiful. (In the adorable way, not the booty way, or the boo! this movie isn't wonderful way.) "Oh good, I'm funny!"
9) Jurassic Park - You know what? I don't love Jurassic Park. But as a screenplay, that shit is tight, with a lot of memorable dialogue and quotable lines. "Must go faster."
8) Gattaca - I've got a soft spot for the minimalist screenwriting approach. This one gets out of the way of itself, and lets the theme sing. "You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton; I never saved anything for the swim back."
7) Back to the Future - As a screenplay, this thing is creative as shit, right? Super fun, super memorable. "The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?"
6) Star Trek: First Contact - This movie makes me cheer a lot, and the character interactions are stunning. "The line must be drawn here!"
5) Moon - Another great, low key piece of writing with wonderful character stuff. "You look like a radioactive tampon, like a banana with a yeast infection."
4) Soylent Green - I'm a huge Soylent Green fan. Too bad a generation of people had the ending ruined by SNL. "There was a world once, you punk."
3) District 9 - A different sort of writing success, here, making the apartheid allegory sing and feel believable. "Hello, little guy. It's the sweetie man coming."
2) A Clockwork Orange - Only now, at this late stage, do I regret not splitting this list into 'original' and 'adapted'. Being based on a book of this quality kind of seems unfair. "It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on a screen."
1) Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan - Right? So much good shit in here, great exchanges between friends and enemies alike. Maybe some credit should go to Shatner/Montalban levels of delivery skill, too. "I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?"

Short Answer: Too many honorable mentions to name. This was fun. I feel I did good work. Now eviscerate me for excluding your favorite!

Note: All such eviscerations will go unnoticed.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Question: Have you ever jacked off in a church or would you ever if given the opportunity?

Jesus Christ! What's with all the jacking-off questions?

No. Never once have I been inside a church, and been like, "Yea. I'm inside a church." Also, never once have I ejaculated in a church without the aid of a priest.

Keeeee-yooooooooooooo!

Hey, if you fuck that many kids, you're free game, priests.

I don't much like churches, and usually, I have to be in the process of 'liking' something to want to have an orgasm. Usually that thing I'm liking is tits, and last time I checked, the crucified, half-naked, thirty-three-year-old man hung at the front of the room doesn't have any.

Wait, is that the front of the room or the back of the room?

Uh-oh, thinking about fronts and backs is giving me a woodrow. Just let me haul this pew over and flip to my favorite psalm...

Short Answer: Penis be with you, and also with you. (If you don't get this, it's a joke about church stuff and I nailed it.)

Note: I may have just enough respect for other people and their beliefs that I would not be able to masturbate in a church. But I'm not sure. If, for example a woman, say my wife, looked me in the eyes and said something like, oh, I don't know, "Before me, and god above, and his son, the savior of man, I want you to touch yourself. I want you to do it right now. I need you to. Please, let me watch you do it." That might work. It might've just worked as I was writing it, in fact.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Question: My dog keeps looking at me. What's the deal?

He fuckin' hates you.

You think there's such a thing as unconditional love? How many times have you had bacon, and he's had to sit there, smelling the bacon, and you say something like, "This is people food, silly" because you're a bastard?

Give your dog the fucking bacon!

Short Answer: There's a little bit of his hair and pee in everything you eat, so you guys are even.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Question: 'Cause I know you, just thought I'd leave this question here for when you needed a free day. Free day?

I don't think we should have much use for pride. At least, we should only feel proud or prideful over the things we've done, actual actions we've taken. It doesn't make much sense to be proud of something completely outside of your control, proud that your mother has a particular hair color, for an arbitrary example, so why is it commonplace to be proud of where you were born?

Just saw the beginnings of a headline that read 'Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau begins week-long...' and my first thought was 'juice cleanse'.

Did Trump politicize the pain and suffering of the people he's supposed to be leading today? No? Well, that's a...oh, he did? As per usual? Okay, then.

I've heard a lot of facts over the years that make me fear we're heading for Soylent Green territory, but nothing scares me more than finding out today that KFC closed a bunch of restaurants in the UK over a chicken shortage.

The Olympics are great because nations come together to participate, not because they're competing against one another. I like winners and losers; they need to exist for games to be properly enjoyed and honored, but that's not where the magic is.

People on the far fringes of the political spectrum are a smaller group than they appear on social media. Take some time, do some thinking and some research before you jump on board with extreme ideas that only seem mainstream because they fill your Facebook feed.

"Tyranny is the deliberate removal of nuance." - Albert Maysles

If you're ever discouraged because you didn't get a like on your post, or because no one noticed that awesome picture you took with your phone, think about how many struggling artists there are in the world, people who spend most of their time, energy and soul trying to shine light into the world and are completely ignored. (Because of the amount I create, I will always be poverty stricken in terms of appreciation. You can handle a little, I assure you.)

Saw a woman's nipple on live TV yesterday. Thanks, figure skating.

I had a dream last night that an old girlfriend showed up in my life, and she wanted to have sex with me. I was down, but then we got into the details; condoms, oils, when were you last tested for diseases, how do you like it. What a fiasco. Just proof that cheating on your wife is not worth it. More than one vagina is too much trouble. Ask any woman with two vaginas.

If you're arguing with someone who wants the same thing you do, but you're mad that they believe you should get there in a different way, you're a fucking idiot. (See: all issues. In other words, most of us want the same things. Disagreeing with someone's methods does not warrant outright hatred.)

If I could, for every meal I would wrap one unhealthy food in another unhealthy food.

Either we need to start creating legislation to deal with online death threats, or we need to put more time and money into educating people not to be so sensitive about social media. Or more of both, in some measure, because some troll writing, 'I'll kill you' from across the world shouldn't be making us cry.

Short Answer: Jesus. Thirteen thoughts? That must be a record. Bonus Thought: I've looked up many naked Koreans online since the Olympics began.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Question: Please write me a poem?

"I'm not in the mood to write a poem,"
he thought,
staring at the blank page.

Instead, he considered his life, and where the desire to create came from in the first place.

He remembered that time he'd been out on the ocean, in a boat with his grandfather, jigging
for fish.
He thought of all that blackness beneath, recalled how he'd began to feel staring down into that deep space, how he'd imagined figures and shapes, and monsters spreading sinister tentacles ever upward, and sleek, black leviathans gliding just below his feet, barely avoiding the wooden planks of the boat, mere inches away.

He remembered the time his great-grandmother died, how he'd only met her a few times. He recalled that they hadn't let him go to the funeral; instead, he'd dreamed of the wake. A little boy, standing at the end of a narrow space, gazing at the coffin through a corridor of plastic chairs. And how his great-grandmother had sat up, just for him, putting her withered finger to her lips as if to say, 'I'm still alive, and it's our little secret.'

He remembered loving a girl so much, not knowing what it meant, and learning that you could love a thing that couldn't love you back, no matter how hard you felt.

He remembered leaving home and creating a new home from scratch, amidst the confusion of adolescent hierarchy.

He remembered wanting things, to dance and sing, and falling short.

"I don't know where the poems even come from,"
he thought,
staring at the white space.

He was afraid of the water.
He was afraid of ghosts.
He was afraid of loving too hard.
He was afraid of not having a home.
He was afraid of falling short.

And yet he swam, and he looked into the shadows, and he found someone to love so hard, and he made a home and he rarely fell short in things that mattered.

Because you have to create you world, no matter the materials supplied.

And then he wrote a poem.

Short Answer: A Poem for Myself

Note: For those who come here for humour, make note that this whole poem is kinda telling the asker to fuck off, seeing how they wanted a poem for them. Get it? Titties!

Friday, February 16, 2018

Question: If you were a figure skater what song would you dance to?

Do they call it dancing? I mean, I know there's ice dancing, but isn't that a specific kind of figure skating? I'm guessing your question isn't actually, 'If you were a figure skater, what song would you dance to...in the club?'

(I was going to insert a joke here, revealing the song that I would 'obviously' dance to...in the club. But then I realized I haven't been to a club in over twenty years, and have no fucking clue what kind of music you might hear...in the club. So...Kesha?)

Premise: I'm putting together a tight little routine, and I need some tunes. And because the Olympics are happening as we speak, I just happen to know that you're allowed to use songs with lyrics now. The reason I know that's different, is because I've been watching figure skating since I was little, first with my grandma, and then with my wife. That's right. I even know about this.

Assuming I'm skating by myself, I would use Still of the Night by Whitesnake in my short program, punctuating those big moments with some motherfucking quads, including a quad axel 'cause I ain't no bitch. For the long program, I'd use One of These Days by Pink Floyd. My music would be the best, and I'd be so sexy they'd have to accept me and give me many flowers, stuffies and medals.

If I was skating with a partner, it would be Coconut by Harry Nilsson for the short, and You Make Me Feel So Young by Sinatra for the long. This is overly quirky and adorable, on both counts, but I'd punctuate those quirky moments by doing motherfucking quad throws because my partner and I ain't no bitches.

I think the whole 'bitches' think might be me overcompensating for being a freshly un-closeted figure skating fan.

It's magical.

Short Answer: Though I've been watching hockey and figure skating since I was young, I still have moments when I'm in total awe that we strap blades to our feet and dance around on frozen water. When the aliens come, that's my first question. What's your (equivalent to) hockey? The answer could blow our little minds.

Note: If I had to answer this question before the new lyrics rules, woulda been some Rachmaninoff for sure. Likely some Schubert's Death and the Maiden, maybe Handel's Water Music. Grieg, Liszt maybe even some Paganini. Or, the soundtrack from any Christopher Nolan movie. My Inception routine would kill; spins within spins.