Saturday, July 22, 2017

Question: If one were forced to get a colostomy bag, what fun things could they use their now jobless anus/butt for?

What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is the name of my band!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is the name of my autobiography!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is what my mom calls me in company!
What a coincidence! Jobless Anus/Butt is what I say to my wife after mediocre vaginal intercourse!

I'm not sure what you want from me here. You and I both know that butts are for two things. Pooping and cramming stuff. So if you're not pooping with it, your options are limited to cramming.

Jobless Anus/Butt? Sounds like the name of my newest porno!

Just for the record, carrying around a bag of your shit isn't at all cool. That kinda sounds like a harsh, schoolyard insult come true in an alarmingly accurate fashion.

Jobless Anus/Butt? Where do I sign up?

This would be great if it was a concert. Jobless Anus with Guest Star: Butt.

Is that enough?

Short Answer: I've never been a big fan of having things in my butt, except on certain specific, sweaty occasions when it all of a sudden becomes very important that we multi-knuckle that fucker to get the angry jizzum out sideways.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Question: Summer Shandy, Fall Apple Cider, Winter Mulled Wine, or Spring Cocktail?

Feels like some real thought went into this, so it makes me sad that my answer is so simple. To honor the effort, let's go through each one.

Fall Apple Cider: Apples give me diarrhea. If this is referring to the fermented kind of cider, that ain't so bad, but I'm always disappointed by the lack of big fruit flavor in ciders. They're too dry!

Winter Mulled Wine: I like wine, and I like spices. This can definitely hit the spot, and makes me feel like I'm tasting something old and special. Like getting a good lick at an elephant's ball sack.

Spring Cocktail: I guess it depends on the cocktail. Lots are good. Many better than the aforementioned bag of pachyderm nuts.

Summer Shandy: I shandy all year, baby. If you read this blog on the regular, you'll have noticed my proclivity for the shandy. In particular, a wheat beer plus a sparkling lemonade, about fifty-fifty. That shit is the pants down winner!

Short Answer: 'That shit is the pants down winner' can read a lot like a typo about pants-shitting.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Question: Kathy Bates, Emo Philips, Ted Danson - Which one would you awkwardly junior high dance with (boner included)? Which one would you sensually rub with soft cheese and tuna? and which one would you abandon in a Black Friday Door Crasher line-up with no means of defense?

Because this is crazy, I'll try to find some parallels in reality.

You're kinda doing marry, fuck, kill. I guess the boner dance is the fucking, the line-up is the killing and, by default, the cheese/fish scenario is the marrying. (It makes sense. Rubbing things on people is tender, and denotes a lifetime commitment.)

So with those guidelines, let it be known that I think Kathy Bates is a tremendous actor. Because of this, I don't want her to die. She's also the only female - my particular sexual proclivity - so boners against her wouldn't be so bad. And because I'm a fan, marrying her wouldn't be so bad.

But...

I don't want to spread cheese and tuna on her! That's gross. So she gets the boner dance.

The rest is simple. Ted Danson gets the rub down, because he's the least gross. Emo Philips sucks and can die, so he can take Black Friday to the dome.

Short Answer: Outside of this scenario, I don't think Emo Philips should die. I get his value. But I didn't actually know his name, and was hoping this was the hot blonde from Wilson Phillips. That got him crushed in a capitalist riot, I'm afraid.

Note: Just looked up Chynna Phillips. She might have been aided in her hotness by that whole 'standing next to uggos' phenomenon.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Question: Bill Cosby....thoughts?

I think we're all sad when our heroes turn out to be flawed.

And with that general statement we can easily shift into the fact that Bill Cosby has not actually been convicted of any crime.

But as they say, where there's smoke, he raped some people.

Short Answer: He ruined sweaters for me.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Question: Pants?

This turned out to be a lot of work. I knew I'd written about pants before, so I did some blog searching. Turns out, there are a lot of pants posts, so I'm going to do something a little different today.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/search?q=pants

There. That's the link to the 'pants' search on my blog. It turned up some real beauties. So take your pick.

Short Answer: Generally, no.

Note: This post actually shows up in that link now, because magic. Don't be fooled and click the link within the link, or you'll end up in a never ending loop.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Question: Sunday Freeday?

Someone should 'ask' me this question once a week.

Here's some insight into my little world. I'd say at least 3 days a week, I sit here trying to remember a thing I thought of earlier. And by earlier I mean that half-awake, mid-morning dream state that allows your brain to make magical flips of reasoning and bold strides of creativity, unencumbered by complete awakeyness.

Most days I can't remember. Some days I remember and the line or joke I thought was gonna be great is total shit, and has no real meaning. Like, "Grover Socks is a sick name for a band."

This morning, I was being wise in my subconscious, and I came up with this tidbit: Jobs and work are different. A job is what you do to make money. Work is having to get out of bed to go to your stupid shitty job.

That's not bad for not a single thread of conscious, intelligent thought.

I think I agree with Dream Keith. The hardest thing many people do on any given day is overcoming the desire to stay in bed. I thank my busty stars everyday that I'm not faced with that decision. The ability to lounge around, letting my creativity snuggle, is a true blessing. I've come up with some of my best ideas in that warm, calm, morning haven. Such as:

The Baloney Toad
Two-ended matches
The tall thin gate
Soup technique
Gary the Effortless Asiatic Menace
Slumpdumping
The bindle revival
Eggs Benefactor
Homeless nudists
The Purple Penis Eater
Shartnado
Calvin going to therapy to rid himself of Hobbes, then discovering the wisdom of Leviathan
Stump sucking
Doing cocaine from the cap of a pen
The porn name Tunt Billington Comely Esquire

Short Answer: Funny to claim these were subconscious jokes, because they're actually a child of the other well I draw upon: saying crazy shit with absolutely no forethought whatsoever. Yes, my brain makes up this stuff on a loop, even when I'm trying to be a real boy. Sometimes, it's great. Other times, when Shartnado pops into your head while making love to your wife, things can get a bit hairy.

Note: It's no joke. Tunt Billington Comely Esquire was a moment of pure creation. Snack on that, all you other motherfuckers.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Question: I'm at a public toilet. Do I peek or just flush?

I'm not sure exactly where you are in the washroom, or what the timing is, here. My first thought is that you're in the stall, finishing up a poop, and you're wondering if you should look under the stall at the next guy.

My first question, assuming I'm somewhere close to the mark, is do you like watching other guys poop? If you do, this answer writes itself.

Because you asked for my advice, let's go with the angle that you're just a curious fellow. If that's the case, this is a privacy issue. Do you care about the other person's privacy? Privacy in general? Do you fear getting caught, the wide-eye between the crack, peering in at someone's most private of moments?

Scratch that. I just got the question. You're just referring to whether or not you should peek at your own dump. I see it, now.

This one's easy. The fact that you specifically mentioned that you were in a public toilet means that you're having an unwanted away game. This probably means a surprise poop, maybe even a wet one that caught you off guard. In this case: Do Not Look!

Short Answer: That's a weird phenomenon. Sometimes I get the thrust of the question wrong, but rarely do I realize halfway through. What a treat!

Note: I just had another thought. Is it possible that you're just entering the stall, wondering if you should see what the carnage is before you do a pre-sit flush? Perhaps...