Saturday, December 16, 2017

Question: Other than Shrimp rings, cocktail wines and cheeses, what is your favorite festive appetizer?

You take the bacon. You take the scallop. You wrap the bacon 'round the scallop. Then, you cook the bacon and the scallop together, until the bacon tastes like scallop, and the scallop tastes like bacon.

Consume until sick.

Short Answer: Yes, I took a week off to be with my wife. And yes, we're dehydrated.

Saturday, December 9, 2017


This might be the first question I ever received that was sent by an ass. As in, someone sat on the keyboard and sent me what their bum said.

To answer it? Who knows? How could I know better than anyone else.

Let's play a game.

Jim had lichen kites laminated.
Jesus hasn't looked kind, lately.
Jeremy has long, kinetic locks.

This is a stupid game. There's no way this is what's occurring. I'm trying, here. Gimme a damn break.

Juries half-love killer logic.
Jump higher like Kilimanjaro, Lester.

Let's go deeper.

Jimi Hendrix. Looking killer; lol.

See? I included the punctuation.

Fuck this.

Short Answer: Maybe...I shouldn't answer every question?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Question: Do you send nudes?

Though it's been requested many, many, many times...

(How many 'manys' makes this the right amount of believable do you figure?)

...I have yet to send nudes over the electronic mailing system, or the texticle phone apparatus.

I have, however, sent nudes I've taken of other people to them to surprise them. Nothing sets you straight when you're at work like a picture of your own naked boobs, let my wife tell you.

Especially with the angles I discover. I will crouch to get a photo. I'll fucking do it.

I fear that the problem is that I am a man, and not one of those one percent body fat dudes who discovered extra abs beneath his abs. I'm a normal man. And normal men are a dime a dozen. Sure I've got a hog that would make a manger full of baby Jesuses weep, but I find it hard to fit it all in frame. Trust me, nobody wants half a ball, something beige, and a patch of semi-recently shaved pubic hair.

A picture of me is like a Christmas card from your boring relatives. 'Oh look, it's Keith', you'd say. You might also say, 'He's quite nude. Is that some of his giant wang?' Then you'd surmise that all in all, it wasn't worth the effort.

Short Answer: I'm all for sending nudes. I think hot naked people should spread the joy.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Question: When you hit a golf ball into the woods, do you go looking for it?

I see what's going on here. You're trying to be deep, like, this is some sort of metaphor. Probably about life, right?

Well I don't play golf, so fuck you.

Short Answer: Aren't there golf-slaves for that?

Note: Wait, doesn't it mean you're shitty if you hit a golf ball into the woods? How about: 'Don't be shitty.' There's a metaphor you can live by.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Question: Wha? Huh?

I know. Life is very confusing.

Have you tried removing your head from your ass? I know it's hard with your foot in your mouth, and your fingers in the pie, and your heart on your sleeve, and your lips locked, and your ears to various grindstones and your eyes on the prize...

Have you tried going through it with someone else? Hand in hand, heart to heart, head over heels, eyes locked in the same direction?

Have you tried asking for help, or are you looking a gift horse in the mouth? Are you afraid when someone offers to lend a hand? Do you fear they'll want to get something off their chest once intimacy has been achieved? Do you have cold feet? You think friendship might cost an arm and a leg? That you'll cry your heart out when things don't go well? That you'll have to face the music?

You first need to get your head out of the clouds, get than chin up, let your hair down and play it by ear. Stick your neck out, wash your hands of the consequences and by the skin of your teeth you just might manage to see eye to eye with someone.

I'm not pulling your leg. As a rule of thumb, if you need a pat on the back, you'll fail. Over my dead body, that's the bird's eye view.

It might make your blood boil, but in my neck of the woods, it's your flesh and blood that makes it all possible. Your family doesn't care about your cold feet. They don't care if you're thick in the head or if you bawl your lungs out. They are your head start.

Short Answer: Penis.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Question: You know you want to...dirty Christmas songs?

Though Christmas to me is sacred, I think it's early enough that I can do this with little hesitation.

(Exchange the word 'Christmas' for the word 'bumhole', and the word 'early' with 'wide' and you've got a thing I've actually said out loud.)

Dirty Fucking Christmas Songs!

It's Christmas All Over Dem Titties
Deck the Balls
Good King Wenceslas Went Down On A Bunch of Hobos
Jingle Bell Cock
Have a Holly & Molly Christmas
The Little Drummer Boy and His Big Appetite for Interracial Porn
Santa Make a Baby in my Tummy
O Holey Underwear
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas All Over My Stepsister's Face
Carol of the Bells and Also Pegging
Ballgagged Night
All I Want For Christmas is a Gummer
We Wish You a Merry Christmas and Horny Fat Queer
O Come, All Ye Faithful, Into the Communal Gang Bang Bucket
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, do Cocaine
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman with Fingers in Your Butts
Blue Balls Christmas
I Saw Mommy Throat-Hugging Santa Clause
I'll Be Heterosexual for Christmas
It Came Upon a Midnight Face
Silver Balls
Do They Know it's Christmas Time or Are They Only Aware They're About to be Sex-Trafficked?
It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Imminent Wetwork
Do You Hear What I Hear...Squishy?
I Saw Three Tips Go Sailing By on Christmas Day in my Bumhole
Please Come Home for Christmas; I Shaved
Up on the House-Top Dick, Dick, Dick

Short Answer: It got a little dark in there. We covered my love of hefty gay people, my desire to stay away from dude bars as per my wife's request during the holidays, and how much I love balls. Man, am I ever gay for Christmas. In a sex way!

Note: How have I not done this before? Have I done this before? Who am I talking to? Is it you? Is it? Do you have a Christmas tree in the room? Then it's you! I've watched you pee!

Monday, December 4, 2017

Question: If I (a dude), blows a dude once does it mean I’m gay or that I just blew a dude. (Once)

It might just be by personality talking, or maybe my aura, or my spirit animal, but I swear I've answered this question before and frequently.

I'll go check...

( a dude a blow job...)

...and I'm back.

Nothing means you're gay expect being gay. You could suck a dick every day for a thousand days and if you still get an erection when you see titties, you're not gay. You're awesome, though.

I get that your question is kinda funny, so there's no need to try to out-funny it. It plays on the idea that people are afraid of being gay, or uncertain about their own sexuality. How about, who gives a shit? Maybe sexuality is fluid. Maybe you're not gay until you meet the right penis. The one thousandth and first, for example?

I've never had sex with a man, but if I met a man, and I got a boner, I'd be like, "Guess I'm gay for this dude." So what? We're moving forward, here, people. Do what you do, love what you love. Where you stick it doesn't hurt anyone but the stickee, and that's just because you haven't committed to the use of real butter.

Short Answer: Margarine can be gritty. (That's entirely untrue, but fun to read under the circumstances.)