Friday, March 16, 2018

Question: Three cheers for Keith!

Not a question. How hard is it to follow the rules, man? You can take your three cheers and...all right, okay; fine. I'm great.

I Googly-ed 'three cheers for' and the first thing that came up was 'three cheers for sweet revenge' which I thought was awesome until I discovered it was just the name of an album of rock and roll music, like the youths listen to.

But it got me thinking about other popular phrases in the ol' language of England.

So I tried to Goggly them, and it turns out every fucking recognizable thing ever said has been co-opted by the damn youths and their rock and roll music! It's a very popular thing, it seems, to say things that have already been said.

Instead of pursuing that, I choose to bail. Now, what was the original question? Three cheers for Keith? Sure! I deserve it in general. But what specifically am I getting three cheers for today? Let's go over the last 48 hours of my life and see if we can't pull a top ten.

Why I Deserve Three Cheers Right Now

10) Didn't hound my wife for sex, because she obviously already had some.
9) Did a sweet move at hockey, made everyone go 'ohhhhh'. (Like the guy who made love to my wife made her go 'ohhhhh'.)
8) Made a giant hamburger for dinner. (Maybe 'made love' is the wrong term. I mean, does getting pounded under your skirt in the employee bathroom at Jysk count as lovemaking?)
7) Gave my wife the last pickle. (Clearly not the only pickle she was given that day.)
6) Got stoned and wrote six poems and started a story about tits. (My wife's story about tits is that she has many men slobber on them that aren't me.)
5) Ate a big-ass brownie for lunch. (I'll bet 'big-ass brownie' applies to something my wife does behind my back, but I don't want to fucking know.)
4) Watched three different music documentaries. (My wife's a whore.)
3) Fell super hard on my ass, then returned to hockey like a champ, sore-ass and all. (...)
2) Wrote some jokes for a friend.
1) I haven't pooped in three days!

Short Answer: 3) My wife always has a sore-ass, (2) the joke's on me, (1) she hasn't pooped right in years because of all the things that go in and out of her butt. (Panting.) Sorry. I couldn't...couldn't hold it inside any longer. Said my wife! (Passes out.)

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Question: Would you rather never have to pee again but have to poop way more often and in greater volume, or never poo again but have huge pees way more often?

This might not be the question I want right now, but I'm beginning to think it's the question I deserve.

Sorry, but this is not a brain burner for old Keith. I have had hemorrhoids since I was a teenager, so huge poops aren't the most fun thing for me. So I choose the big pees, please.

In fact, never having to poop again would make my life a lot easier. No more anal fissures. Wait, can you get a peehole fissure? A urethral wound caused by copious amounts of high-intensity, jet stream urine certainly wouldn't be a good time. Especially because I still have to shoot beefy loads outta there.

Short Answer: Beefy. Loads.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Question: Do you eat a lot of eggs?

Someone's been sitting next to me. (Wink.)

And by wink, I mean anal wink.


I don't eat a lot of eggs. I just smell this way. Thanks for noticing.

Short Answer: Do you eat a lot of you're ugly.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Question: What are your three favorite apps?

Huh. I find this question troubling. It's so...straightforward? There's no way to interpret it as a penis joke, and I'm pretty sure no one is either being an idiot or making fun of me. Is this really just a question about apps? Does someone out there really want to know what I do with my phone?

I'm not fooled! I know it's you, Seuss! I can smell your Whoey stink from a mile away!

I'm not telling you shit, you dead old bastard! Leave me alone!

Okay. I've been told by my lawyers that because there's no indication that this question was asked by Dr. Seuss, that I may want to lay off.

Fine. I'll answer it. (But I fucking know it was you, Seuss. I know how your mind works. I can see through it all. I won't let this fuck with me. I won't!)

My first most favorite app is called OverDrive. It's how I get my audio books. It's easy to use, but I'm guessing all apps like this are easy to use. More notable because of what it does rather than what it is.

(Kinda like you, Seuss.)

My second most favorite app is Dropbox. I love being able to access all my shit from multiple devices.

(Like the way I have access to your entire family's buttholes, Seuss.)

My third most favorite app is called A Soft Murmur. It's just one of those white noise, rain, help-you-go-to-sleep apps, but this one has 'waves' as one of the sounds. Waves sound awesome.

(You know who doesn't know about soft murmurs? Your corpse when I fuck it, Seuss!!! Aaarrrghhhh!)

Short Answer: I've been told I should take a break. But I'm starting to think that Seuss has gotten to everyone...

Monday, March 12, 2018

Question: Cartouche.

Is this the weirdest question I've ever been asked?

And I, of course, use the term question in a bloggy sense, more so than a realistic one, as clearly, this is (a run-on sentence) not a question.

Despite my instincts, I'll have a go:

a cartouche is an oblong frame for hieroglyphics, or a stone, scroll-like tablet.

Also, it rhymes with ka-doosh!

It's an odd word to just leave lying around like this. One doesn't often have an immediate reaction to such things, so I don't see what it was supposed to invoke in me. (Or evoke from me?)

Apparently, cartouche can also be a gun cartridge with a paper case. Is that what this is? Are you making a comment on my soft exterior but my potent, even murderous, insides?

Or maybe this means a blank round, like, I'm shooting blanks. Look, we both know if it's anyone's fault that I haven't procreated, it's my wife and her stinky, stinky womb.

Hmmm. In definitions of this word, oblong and cartridge come up quite a bit.

Is this about my wiener?

Short Answer: I give up. Ka-dooooooshhhhh!

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Question: What's your favorite Sunday routine?

Finally it's Sunday, and I can answer this question. Prepare to be blown away by the depths of my interesting existence.

My favorite Sunday routine is: saving children from burning buildings!

This, of course, is what we call contrast. As in, the reality of my existence in contrast with the thing I just said.

Here's a typical Sunday for Keith:

I wake up next to my naked wife, and check to see if she's awake, too. Then I lie in bed, waiting for her to wake up, so I can rub my testicles on her neck. (I'm gross, but not rude.) Then, I fall back to sleep just long enough for her to scootch out of bed and leave me there alone with my swole nuts.

Then, I start my blog while my wife eats cereal. I dive into my creative work and my editing. At some point, my wife goes back to bed for her nap. (She likes the sleepy-sleeps.) Then I masturbate furiously.

After cleanup, I go for my daily walk, visiting the local grocer before heading home with supper makings. From there it's as boring as you like. Food, TV, usually something good we're watching live like Game of Thrones or something bad we're watching live like The Walking Dead.

If I haven't masturbated furiously enough that day, we might try to sneak in a throat hug before bed, but often we're too exhausted by how harrowing daily life is.

When my wife is in bed, I have many hours of alone time, wherein I read, watch movies, write notes for my work and sometimes even poetry. Often - and this is a post unto itself - I kinda do all of these things at once, or at least two or three. Depending on what phase of any given project I'm in, and how I'm feeling, it's not odd for me to have some sort of reference book open next to me on the couch, along with my notebook, poetry book, and a book I'm reading, while something is either being watched or ignored on the television.

Sunday night is typically a good night for addressing multiple things, as I get this really great feeling in my gut because I don't have to get up and go to work on Monday morning. The absence of this particular responsibility has become a sort of talisman for me over the years, a blatant signal that I'm doing something different than most, and more importantly, something that I love. I'm usually a pretty happy camper come Sunday evening and have likely done my best drips of poesy on these nights.

Short Answer: I've developed a bit of a 'must be doing' complex over the years, due to my ambitions as a novelist. Once in a while a video game comes along that gives me some genuine leisure time, but even then, if I can swing it, I'll be audio-booking something as I'm playing.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Question: What do you think sasquatch genitalia look like?


...hamburger meat covered in camel hair.
...a Trump BM.
...two gnarled fists and a pelican's beak.
...if you tarred and feathered a geoduck clam.
...a bunch of elephant hemorrhoids dipped briefly into a cotton candy machine.
...matzah balls and toasted coconut.
...swollen walnuts and a peeled eggplant.
...Abe Vigoda.
...a monkey brain and a thin sock full of mandarin oranges.
...a baby arm atop a baby butt.

Short Answer: Thanks. This was fun.