Monday, October 16, 2017

Question: Monkey nuts or monkey butts?

For eating...nuts.
For smelling...butts.
For making necklaces...nuts.
For making friends...butts.
For helping to control the monkey population...nuts.
For cleaning up after a Monkey brand cigarettes smoking party...butts.
For putting in squirrel cheeks...nuts.
For interrupting simian conversation...buts.
For calling out a clumsy-ass monkey...klutz.
For naming monkey pharaohs...tuts.
For assessing where all the extra strokes came from in a poorly played monkey golf outing...putts.
For monkey figure skating...triple lutz.

Short Answer: Monkeys are funny.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Question: Why don't you have a gun problem in Canada?

Because once you have cutlery control laws in place, it's hard to escalate.

Is that funny?

Lemme try again. In Canada, we're so peace loving that we have cutlery control instead of gun control.


In Canada, we don't need gun control. We man up and kill each other with sporks!

I give up.

Fuck this gun stuff, man. It doesn't even need to be discussed. It's absurd how many people in America actually agree that something should be done. It's a tiny, greedy, loud-as-fuck minority that's fucking things up for everyone, and I won't be giving them any airtime.

The compassionate masses need to get their heads out of their asses and handle this shit. Maybe elect a few people who'll actually do something about the gun culture.

Or maybe they can't, 'cause the system is a broken loop of corruption and power-mongering and thievery.

Short Answer: Did you come here for jokes? Well you're in luck!

Note: The most accurate answer to this question might be that we simply don't have enough people to have a gun problem. Surely the culture is different, but there may be a critical mass element to how many guns are needed to 'start a problem'. In America, there's pretty much a gun for every person, in Canada, we have only a third as many. Take into account the difference in populations, and you've got a very different dynamic.

Personal Note: My answer to all this is: don't shoot people. But that doesn't seem to work at all. People just love shooting people. They fucking love it. So maybe, just maybe, if when you reached for your gun you got a fistful of letter opener instead, we might have less of an issue.

Canadiana Note: Letter openers are considered 'cutlery' in Canada.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Question: If you were visited by an alien, what would be the first thing you'd say?

Top Ten Things I'd Say to an Alien Visitor

10) "Sorry about the mess."
9) "On planet earth, humans probe you."
8) "Nice work on the X-Files."
7) "Coffee or tea or...people?"
6) "The whole Jesus Juice thing, that was just one of us."
5) " many species have you killed?"
4) "Nice hat."
3) "Should I hug you or pet you like a dog? That's a dog. This is petting. Is that a ray gun?"
2) "No, no, no, Trump is a joke. If you want to be taken to our leader he's a guy named Elon."
1) "Get me the fuck out of here."

Top Ten Things They'd Say Back

10) "That's cool. Our spaceship looks like the garbage fire on planet Urbst took a shit in it."
9) "Good joke. Now bend the fuck over."
8) "I know, right? We were out there!"
7) "Good joke. Now get in the microwave."
6) "We don't think he touched those kids. You know, because Thriller's so good."
5) "Today?"
4) "Nice tits."
3) "What's a dog? Oh. Hey! Back the fuck up, long pig!"
2) "Elon? That's hilarious! My brother in-law is named Elon. Elon Forgortlabargadool.
1) "Sorry, dude. We can't. We took a dinosaur once and he was a real pain in the ass. Always asking for more towels at the space hotel."

Short Answer: Don't look too hard at the 'towels for the dinosaur' joke. It wasn't a reference to being covered in tar from the tar pits or anything smart like that. I just thought the image of a dinosaur peeking out to ask for - yet again- more fresh towels was funny.

Note: "Also, is the ice machine on this floor working? It makes a funny noise and then coughs out, like, a few cubes. Is that the way they're designed here?"

Double Note: Alternate Number 2 joke: If you want to be taken to our leader, he's a guy named 'The Rock'.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Question: Haberdashery or Gobbledygook?

Haberdashery means: the goods and services sold by a haberdasher.

Gobbledygook means: silly words that aren't real.

So what the fuck do these things have to do with each other? Did you just pick two words that you didn't know the meanings of? That seems likely, on account of one of the words meaning 'nonsense words' and the other word sounding like a nonsense word.

Somehow, you thought this was funny. I believe the phrase goes a little sumpin' like this:

Stick to your fucking day job.

The only way this would be okay (and this is possible due to the capital 'G') is if these were somehow two proper nouns, like the names of bands. If that's the case, my apologies. Otherwise, eat a box of old poos, dingus.

Short Answer: We both know that these aren't bands. We both know that you're destined - if not today, someday - to eat a box of old poos.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Question: Could you suggest some good fall music and for bonus points Halloween music?


Fall music. Like, Humpty Dumpty?


See what I did there? Because he had a great fall? Holy fuck! Is this what genius feels like?



I find Feist to be quite autumnal. Also, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Something about mellow rock tunes with a great female vocalist. That's how fall makes me feel, man.


Also Bowie's Station to Station or Low, the White Duke stuff, matches up with my fall feelings.

Now...what the fuck is Halloween music? You mean, like, Monster Mash?

Here are a couple of old posts dealing with scary music:

Good luck, fuckers!

Short Answer: I wish Humpty Dumpty on you! (Have a great fall! Holy shit! That's amazing! I love myself! Wait, wait is this the pride before the...fall?)

Note: (uproarious laughter)


Double Personal Note: (This has nothing to do with the above question. Just asking a favor.) Check out my friend's travel blog/website:

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Question: Could yo do a new top ten list?

(The 'yo do' made me laugh so I left it in.)

Now I gotta think of a damn...

Okay, here's an idea.

Top Ten Uncomfortable Words to Say at Thanksgiving Dinner

10) Hymen
9) Sexuality
8) Presidential
7) Crabs
6) Lovemaking
5) Mucus
4) Fiance
3) Dingleberry
2) Incest
1) Rimjob

Short Answer: I'm sure you have your own favorites. For example, that bigot at the table says some heinous shit, right? (If you don't know who I'm referring to, that bigot is you!)

Monday, October 9, 2017

Question: Where is my butt?

Next to your jeans?

I don't know why I thought that was funny. But I did. I guess, technically, your butt is either inside your jeans or nowhere near your jeans. I make no apologies.

Do you maybe not have a butt? Because if that's what you're asking, butt implants are not the answer. Exercise is the answer. Do butt things and make your butt bigger. You'd be surprised what a little muscle mass can do to a tush.

If you've actually lost your butt somewhere, I hate to say it, but it's always in the last place you look. I'd check my jeans.

Short Answer: Is it possibly wrapped around the penis of your latest john? Get it? You're a hooker.