Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Question: Freebase poetry!

So I'm leaning and it amazes me the degree to which we falter when we try to stand alone.
(The difficulty of the poet is the struggle of all men, to capture that which others let pass by.)
And when the rain is torrid, a torrent of torn sheets of dampened plastic.
That's when solace finds us 'neath the curtain of our lives.
The noise can drift, the thoughts can sigh, the heart can slow, the mind can die.
The wind can do its worst, for we're protected from inside.

The storm can blow and hiss and rake.
And time can cover all we make.
And love can show which hand to take.
And nightmares roll for goodness' sake.

Calamities are oaths we break.
Extremities of pride we fake.

Slaking thirst, and aching tones that cull the weeds and snap the bones that lead us to our somber homes, our sullen steps besmirch our tombs, and when the gold bell finally drones...

...we covet what we once had known,

we worry that we've spent our lives in drudgery and calloused norms, without the spark we glimpsed that time when something wicked passed us by.

When something worthy winked its way
beyond our twinkling, white-blind gaze.

How life fills up.

How it spills over.

To think we fail to drink it slower.

Short Answer: Hostile Turnover

Monday, January 15, 2018

Question: Are khakis gone forever?

'Khakis' is such a weird and specific topic, I did a little search. I've written four posts over the years that include the word 'khakis'. Two of them are short and not excellent. Feel free to search 'em out for yourself.

Here are the two better ones, the first of which is the clear winner.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2015/11/question-why-khakis.html

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2016/06/question-whats-greatest-thing-youve.html

Actually, that second one is pretty funny, too. Do what you want.

(That's how you use the word actually, by the way. That's a little note for every asshole out there in the world who says actually in every second fucking sentence they utter.)

I don't think khakis are gone forever. Plain pants made of cloth will always exist, just with different names. Right now, stretchy jeans are just straight up taking over the world, and it does feel like a pants revolution. Two percent spandex and you're the mayor of comfy-town? Yes, please.

Short Answer: Maybe we need stretch-khakis. Did I just win? I did, didn't I. Nice.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Question: What are your favorite ten thousand movies?

I hope you're proud of yourself. You've technically defeated me.

Just so we're clear, if this had been even half this number, I might have tried it, just to be a spiteful dick.

But you've hit the magic number. I'm not doing this. I can't answer your question.

How does it feel to ruin everyone's fun?

Short Answer: Your face is a butt.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Question: Why rubber duckies?

I'm not sure I'm ready this morning for such deep, philosophical fare.

Some dude name Peter Ganine is credited with creating the rubber duck we know and love today. Though the idea may go back as far as the beginning of rubber manufacturing, Mr. Ganine sculpted the recognizable rubber dock in the '40s, made the bitch float, and sold over 50 million of them.

But that's not what you're asking, is it?

You're someone who knows my deepest and darkest secret. That though I'm a fan of pop culture, I'm not affluent enough to be an efficient collector of anything. That even with such passion in my interesta, I keep and maintain only small amounts of treasured knick-knacks, memorabilia and bobble-head/Mr. Potato Head versions of Iron Man. (Tony Starch, anyone?)

So at some point, I got it in my head, thanks mainly to Ernie from Sesame Street, that rubber duckies would be a cool thing to collect. Not to collect excessively, mind you, just enough to fill, say, three shelves in a bathroom.

This idea came about because at the hotel my wife and I shared for our wedding night (and our up until now only session of true coitus without complaint) we were gifted two rubber duckies wearing sunglasses.

From there, I found a polka dot duck. Then, a reindeer duck for Christmas, and a duckie patterned like a soccer ball.

This year, I added Batduck.

Consider yourself privileged, mighty Asker of This Particular Question, for you were obviously privy to a well-kept and dragon-guarded secret.

I collect rubber duckies.

Short Answer: Now the world knows.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Question: I was frozen in 1938 and just recently thawed out. Why don't you see swastikas around anymore? Did I miss something?

Where specifically were you that you saw swastikas everywhere in 1938?

Oh yeah. Germany.

So...that's a bit of a sour topic for you Germans. You could probably ask literally anyone you ever meet and get the answer for this. But if I were you, I'd look for a white person to ask. Like, the whitest person. That way you might not get punched in the throat for being an asshole.

Also, why are you so dumb that you thought anything was going to last for eighty years? Don't you understand how time works? Sorry to tell you, pal, but your dog is dead, too.

I'm finding it hard to understand the intended humor of this question. Were you really expecting me to explain World War 2? And if so, did you want me to put a funny spin on it? That's a bit of an ask, if you ask me. And you did.

So here goes.

A dude murdered so many people we argue about just how many people he murdered. Then we were all like, 'let's not do swastikas anymore'.

Short Answer: Getting trolled by Captain America isn't as fun as I thought it'd be.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Question: Does the success of the Vegas Golden Knights prove that we are living in a computer simulated world and something has gone wrong with it?

Is that how it's going? We're just calling them Vegas and not Las Vegas? When was this decided? It's super important, because I didn't like the name 'the Las Vegas Golden Knights' but taking away that one syllable does wonders.

Anywho, I'm not sure how to deal with this question. Doing a point by point analysis of why this expansion team is performing better than previous teams would be pretty boring. And considering the amount of work it would take, to hell with that. Also, I'm not sure we'd come to any practical solutions. You can look to the leadership, the players, the ready fan base, but I really don't think the study will pay off.

So yes, we're in a simulation. A lot of us have known this from the start, not just the Wachowskis. I've talked about it on blog before. Here's an example.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2013/03/question-are-we-living-in-computer.html

That answer is light and funny. Why can't I do that every day? What's this hefty jargon I'm laying down right now? Where's the humour, the poetry, the swear words?

Why is this making me introspective? Right, because I'm in the simulation, and I'm designed to behave this way.

The concept of free will was a waste of neurons, anyway.

Short Answer: God is the machine.

Note: I think the answer to the hockey question here might be the way they structured the expansion draft. Even before it happened, it felt like they were going to get access to a lot of real talent. So I think it's possible that the depth of hockey talent in the world, and the fact that there is limited space in the NHL, might have provided a better crop of players than ever before. That's the simplest answer.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Question: Seems like you only recounted 40 of your 333 movies (if my maths are correct). What about all the rest? Isn't there something else you can do with all that data?

Ha-ha. This is obviously from a friend of mine. They probably heard me say almost exactly this after I wrote those end of the year movie lists.

Yea, it definitely felt like I watched a lot of good shit that didn't get any acknowledgment.

And by the way, it was 334 (at least) because I remembered a movie I'd seen (Ben Wheatley's excellent Free Fire) but hadn't written down (still Free Fire).

One category that popped into my head as I was working through the data was Classic films. As I've oft described on blog, I love newer films far more than older films. It's hard when you watch an old movie not to take into account all the ways in which they've been built upon and improved. Sure, some are fucking awesome, but others suffer from dated writing, strange trends in performance, and simple or hard-to-relate-to stories. Also, some are just shitty, and people are dumb about them.

Because of all that, not a single movie I went backwards in time to experience made my top lists. So here's a short run of the ones I did watch last year that I managed to draw some enjoyment from.

Top Ten Classic Films I Watched in 2017

10) Ben-Hur/Sixteen Candles - I couldn't decide between ten and eleven, so here they both are. Maybe if you put Ben-Hur into Sixteen Candles as a side-plot, it would be the best film ever made. With Anthony Michael Hall as Judah Ben-Hur.
9) Adventures in Babysitting - 1987, the best year for movies of all the years for movies. You might not think this is a classic, but try telling that to eight-year-old, pajama-d me sitting in front of this bitch for the millionth time.
8) See No Evil, Hear No Evil - Though it's wonderful to see Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder together, the gags are a bit stale by now.
7) Night Shift - Back when Michael Keaton was relevant the first time, and notable that it's a Ron Howard film starring Henry Winkler.
6) Five Easy Pieces - Jack doing his thing. Pretty solid from front to back, but I'd recommend watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest again if you're looking for a fix.
5) Robocop - Because I included one movie from 1987, I figured thirty years is a good cut-off for classic movies. And if that's the case...process the fact that I think Robocop is a classic piece of cinema! Process it!
4) Being There - Peter Sellers is someone you might want to pay attention to. He's going to be big!
3) Midnight Cowboy - Successful because of a timeless performance by Dustin Hoffman and an overall sadness, with some seriously tragic shit in the background. If you haven't seen this one, of all the classics I watched this year, it might be given my highest recommendation.
2) Moonstruck - Cher and Nicolas Cage are fucking awesome in this light-hearted but heavy drama-romp from Norman Jewison. And if me once more calling a thirty-year-old movie a classic makes you feel old, instead, think of it as a classic because it won some Oscars and doesn't have any Power Rangers in it.
1) Lawrence of Arabia - This had been a outstanding movie on my ever-shrinking, never-seen-it list of classics. It's a sweeping, bleakly shot epic that exists solely on the foundation of the main character's complexity and the subtle yet wide performance of Peter O'Toole. I suppose there is inherent contrast here, which is where the magic lies, but it was to some degree lost on me. Though an accepted masterpiece, I found the amount of 'look at all the lovely desert' camerawork plus the near four-hour run time gave that contrast of Lawrence's character a bit of a heavy-handed feel. Now, all you old fuckers yell at me.

Short Answer: There's lots more data if you want to keep the questions coming.