Monday, September 25, 2017

Question: If I opened the door and the window, which one would you go through?

Well, this is about as deep as an rain-slicked road. What the fuck are you on about? This sounds like something a pre-teen would write in a yearbook to try to sound mature and creative.

My apologies if this is a specific thing, related to another specific thing, that isn't a pile of emptygarbagepoetry. See that? What I just did? Simply by putting those three words together as one, I created more depth, poetry and insight than this question ever could.

If I were you, I'd give up on questions. You know enough. Continue to dress yourself and urinate in the toilet, and be proud. Anything that stretches you further than that could rupture your delicate mind.

(Man I'm going to feel like an ass if this is some reference to pop culture that I don't know.)

Shut-up, brackets Keith! You're a coward and a hack.

Short Answer: I'd go through the door. Because that's what doors are for. For people. I don't want to go through the window. I'm not air.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Friday, September 22, 2017

Question: You look like you could use a drink.

When I started this blog, I said, "It will be an advice column, except I'll swear at people." That sounded pretty dope.

Later, I admitted, "I guess they want lists and poetry and shit. That's fine, too."

Then, "I suppose it's okay to be serious once in a while. As long as I'm answering their questions. It's a good thing. It will make the content more likeable overall."

Now..."It's fucking called 'Ask Keith Anything'! Ask is right there in the fucking title!!! How hard is it to write a face-shitting question mark up in this bitch? I just wrote one! Just there! And a bunch of exclamation points! Fucccccckkkkkkkkkkk!

You're probably right about the drink.

Short Answer: Stop looking at me. It's weird. I like to think I'm alone, even if my closets are full of potential rapeners and looky-loo-bots. Keep it down in there, and take pictures of me when I'm asleep like a normal maniac, would ya?

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Question: I didn't know you were a writer!!!...?

Thanks for the question mark.

You do know that you're reading a blog, right? That all of this is writing? And yet you didn't know I was a writer?

You are dumb.

Here's what I've learned in twenty years of writing prose:

think and thing are the same word
this and his are the same word
the and they are the same word
though and thought are the same word

Anyone getting this? Maybe only writers. Perhaps this wasn't the proper angle for this answer.

Oh, well. I have the mic.

Some other shit I've learned in twenty years of writing prose:

Instead of simplifying, you can just keep explaining things, over and over, in different ways. Not sure if the audience gets it yet? Say it again!

You know what, I'm gonna stop right there. This is just going to turn into a shitfest of complaints slathered in rotting sarcasm.

Some shit I've learned in twenty-five years of writing poetry:

Human people don't read poetry.

Short Answer: The people who pay writers' salaries don't know I'm a writer either. So don't feel bad. You probably make a pretty good living, right? I write words down and cry crocodile tears of disappointment into my naked lap.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Question: Should I quit my day job and follow my dreams?

I'm guessing you know me. I'm guessing you're looking for a particular answer and you've come to the one guy that you're sure will say what you want to hear.

Of course, you think, if anyone will encourage me to quit my day job and follow my dreams, it's Keith.

Big surprise, bitch. Don't do it!

Just kidding. Totally do it. I'd love to be a contrarian and list all the reasons you shouldn't. But that wouldn't be fun or funny, and it wouldn't be the truth. Sure, there are lots of talentless dullards out there who should continue on with their careers instead of bailing to start a chicken farm or whatever, but even for them, my thoughts are, 'Go ahead. Try the chicken farm thing. You'll be happier for trying, even if you fail, starve and die.'

I've just coined a phrase to encompass this. People only live once. Or POLO for short. Oh, that's no good. Polo is a sport, a shirt and a guy. Oh well. Too bad there's no other way to make that work.

You get the polo, err, point. And to be fair, very few people take the phrase 'follow your dreams' and turn it into a life-wrecking, unplanned, bank account-draining, friend-alienating nightmare. Most will figure out a relatively safe and frugal way to handle the change. Only a few of us have to fuck everything's ass just to feel like they're alive.

It's your life. Your parents can suck it. Society can suck it. Your friends can suck it. You know, ECSI. Everyone can suck it.

Short Answer: If your heart is full, you'll be fine. You won't necessarily succeed in a monetary fashion, but you'll feel positive for trying. Better than doing something that makes you feel shitty, right?

Note: This post does not apply to the reincarnation people, the YALAINOT-ers. You know, the 'you actually live an infinite number of times' folk.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Question: Why don't kids dress up like ghosts, goblins, witches, etc. for Halloween anymore?

They don't?

I think they do, it's just that our ghosts, goblins and witches have changed with the times, become more sophisticated and modern. And for the record, I don't think I ever saw someone dress up as a goblin.

I didn't dress as Count Dracula as a child, I dressed more like the vampires from The Lost Boys. Kids a few years back were dressing as the characters from Twilight. Things evolve.

And Halloween culture was limited for a time, the same way our entertainment was limited. Now, with entertainment and pop culture being so expansive and connected, we can all agree that everyone should be Harley Quinn, or this year, Pennywise the Dancing Clown. (Wait for it.)

I think the straight monster stylings have been left in the past, which might be what your driving at. There are more options, now, that's all. And you still see witches and ghosts; I bet the stats on them are pretty high.

I was rarely a witch or a ghost. I was more likely to be a banana or Papa Smurf or Spider-Man or a ninja, so I don't think things have changed all that much or all that fast.

Short Answer: I dressed up as a ghoul one year. I wore my mother's black leotard, for lack of understanding what a sunken-eyed, heavily made-up monster might wear. I ended up looking like a mime with a very distinct pre-pubescent package. Not my best effort.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Question: Is this the new way?

I suppose you could be talking about any number of things.

Let's do a list of potential topics, shall we?

10) Trump - Totally possible that this is a comment on the American president and his ever-changing government. He has redefined the word 'presidential' and may be responsible for a new way.
9) Bidet Attachments - It's time we caught up with the rest of the world, and stopped smearing feces all over ourselves with hacked up tree slices. I think more and more people are reveling in the joy that is water jets up the bum,
8) News From Comedians - Seems so. I watch at least five news sources that would've once been thought of only as comedy. Now, they're more trustworthy than sensationalist news outlets. That's because of one simple rule: to set up the premise of a joke, it helps to start with the truth.
7) Anal - If she liked hearing you howl that much, yes. Sorry, bro.
6) Not Being Able to Afford a House - Seems like in certain places (ahem) like Vancouver, people can't afford housing. Is the new way moving further from urban centers? Moving into tiny houses? Shacking up with the neighbor? Not sure what the new way is, but it might be, sadly, abandoning Vancouver and other places where the housing market is imbalanced.
5) Firing Star Wars Directors - Can't help but feel like the people at the helm of Star Wars are squeezing a little too tightly. I'm concerned, because these new Star Wars movies are by no means perfect. Letting talented directors and writers do their own thing seems like a solid move. I fear that the producers are liking their own brand too much, and assuming their opinion is what's best for these films. But no one wants the same thing again and again. Or do we?
4) Podcasts - Yes. Listening to experts talk about subjects for an hour or two is a crash course in education. I've learned more listening to podcasts in the last year than I ever did in school, from reading books, or listening to the stupid people nearby. The new way to gain knowledge - and be entertained, which helps the learning go down smooth - is the podcast. (Also known as radio.)
3) R-Rated Film Success - Oh, I can dream, can't I? With the recent success of It, Logan and Deadpool, just to name a few, the R-rated film seems to be alive and kicking. More gore! More nudity! More objectionable situations! That's what real life is like, dummies.
2) Records - As in albums. Boy oh boy, am I ever having the regrets these days. Got rid of my old record player, I did. What a fool I am. Is this renaissance going to last? I would've said no not long ago, but now, I'm thinking renaissance-ing things might be the new renaissance. That means the front-runners - like playing records - might stick around as the harbingers of the movement.
1) Taking Offence - I'll be brief. Spending time being offended by things is kinda like letting someone else run your life and hijack your emotional state. If your sense of offence takes more than 2.3 seconds to dispel, you're doing life wrong. Everybody chill out. Go easier on yourselves and easier on each other. We're all doing our best.

Short Answer: I've had a bit of a tough year, so as of late, my personal 'new way' is to drink alcohol until I get diarrhea. I highly recommend it.