Monday, April 23, 2018

Question: Judge, jury or executioner!?

Dredd!

I asposed to pick? Okay.

Jury is definitely the suck. You have to deal with a bunch of other meatheads and probably convince them of how meatheaded their meatheadedness is. And you'll be invested if you think you're doing the right thing, so that will be all kinds of stressful. Convincing dummies is a waste of my motherfucking time.

Executioner is probably not great either. I mean, if you're just the guy who flips a switch, that's not so bad, but it's not really the method that causes the problem. It's living in a society that deems itself worthy of ending a life, the most complex and miraculous thing there is. And they're like, "You. You do that."

So I guess I'd choose Judge. Because I think I get to wear a wig. No? A robe then. And I could do that thing where I don't wear anything under the robe. And I could do that thing where I spend my energy helping the process of justice and fairness and making the world a better place by guiding the best instincts of my fellow man.

That one.

Short Answer: I would freeball so hard in a robe. So hard, in fact, that they wouldn't be able to stop me from wearing a wig!


Sunday, April 22, 2018

Question: Also, what's wrong with you in your head? Ah, 'tis a question for this day.

I've always assumed baseball-sized tumor.

Not a joke. They'll find it the day after I collapse dead on the ground for seemingly no good reason, right after spouting the most original sentence in the history of mankind. Something along the lines of "Churning butter from the lungs of tyrants does not season the toast in a sufficient manner, Ken!"

I'm smart as balls, relatively original and I can think of absurdly strange things on the spot. My dreams are catastrophically disturbing and I have aggressive bouts of hypochondria, paranoia and sexual desire related to steam. (It's just so much hotter than you expect water vapor to be. Like so hot.)

And I'm happy. Almost all the time. A super happy dude. That can't be because of anything I've cultivated or accomplished. Something's leaning against my happy button.

Short Answer: It is not lost on me, Asker of Questions, that this is drawn from a recent post. I do like it, for further reference, when people take my questions and ask them of me anew. It's a fun way for me to manipulate the flow of creation, by planting little seeds in your brain. Dance, marionettes! Dance like you've been challenged to dance!

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Question: If you could choose between smart and handsome, which would you take?

Handsome is only for attracting a mate. And if you're smart, then you're likely funny, and funny is the 'well-rounded haunches' of modern attraction. If you make someone laugh, their underclothes fly off.

Though I suppose handsome has its own benefits. You get preferential treatment without having to open your mouth. But if you're dumb and handsome you always end up disappointing people when finally, your lips part, and you say 'all of the sudden'.

If you're smart, it's hard to imagine what it's like to be dumb. What's funny is that everyone thinks they're smart, and they're - by percentages - usually dumb. So they don't know what it's like to be dumb, because they're too dumb.

If you didn't follow that, I hope you're handsome.

Short Answer: I recommend smart with a capable wanger, if you ever get to pick.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Question: How do you make a daiquiri?

I believe the joke goes something like, 'make a daiquiri, throw it out, then fill the glass with whisky'.

A daiquiri - not the sex act, the drink - is rum, citrus and sugar.

(The sex act is a naked bum, sharp smells and a sugar-mama. There's something particularly erotic about sex with someone who pays for everything.)

I don't like rum. It's made from sugar, and sugar is bad. That's my justification. You don't like that? Write your own blog!

So daiquiris can fuck off. Especially because typing the word daiquiri is a goddamned nightmare.

Short Answer: Switch out the rum for gin and you have something.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Question: What is your favourite grammatical error?

If you know anything about people who care about this subject, the word favourite/favorite might not be the appropriate term.

Also, as you may have guessed, I've addressed this topic before.

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2017/06/question-top-ten-stupid-words.html

My instinct, because it's come up again in my life only recently, is to answer with the word disingenuous.

Here's a sample of how I addressed it in the above link, if you're too lazy to open a second tab, you piece of human garbage.

"I thought this word meant presenting yourself as if you know something you don't, or know a lot of something you know little of."

I must have been high, because I've always known the meaning of disingenuous, which is kinda the opposite of that. It's pretending you know less than you really do. It was as if I was being disingenuous while writing that answer. Get it? Hello?

I go on to say:

"Now it seems to be acceptable to use the word [disingenuous] more broadly to mean 'not genuine'. Which is arguably still correct, but it sounds strange to me."

Despite my idiotic mix-up, the truth is this words sticks out to me in conversation like a sore thumb when it's used in this modern matter to mean 'not candid' or 'insincere'. To me it means someone is pretending to be dumb for personal gain, and it has a slightly more negative and manipulative connotation through my lens (and arguably the lens of the original intent of the word). I guess what I'm saying is the word sounds wrong, but also quite damning. I don't think that's what people intend when they use it.

Short Answer: I was to try to answer this question honestly, I'd have to look at an edit I often have to perform in my own work. One that's easy to find and feels good when I correct it. I guess verb agreement issues are fun to catch, as are unnecessary commas or incorrectly used semi-colons, but none of those are my favorite. I think my favorites are the classic 'writing too fast to notice' ones. Like mixing up here and hear, then and than or they and the. Those are fun to smash.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Question: Do you want fries with that?

Simpsons did it!

http://askkeithanything.blogspot.ca/2012/04/question-would-you-like-fries-with-that.html

Short Answer: I do eat more fries since the last time I addressed this. Have I ever told you about the fryburger? Where you take the fries and put them in the burger? Have I?

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Question: Are you excited about the return of Snooki and the Jersey Shore?

Before I get to the question I would like to report that I just awoke from a dream where Robin Williams and I were going through a mall food court together, buying one thing from each place.

I believe if presented to a dream analysis expert, this dream would kill them.

Also, what's wrong with me in my head?

Ah, 'tis a question for another day.

Now, what are you rambling about?

Right. I don't know anything about New Jersey, and I sure as fuck don't watch the show about their trash-fire people.

Short Answer: Snooki sounds like a live-turd trick you're playing on your college roommate when he's asleep. Something to do with spicy food, three pints of whisky and a pillow case.

Note: Seems like lots of cool famous people are from Jersey. Perhaps that show doesn't represent the place all that accurately.