Friday, June 23, 2017

Question: Careful. That's hot.

I feel like I've been directly commenting on the question a lot recently. Is that a habit I'm forming or a commentary on the oddness of the questions?

Shut-up! I answer the questions here.

I tried to think of a way to do one of those stream-of-consciousness lists for this, but I couldn't think of anything funny about hot stuff.

The only way this is funny is if it'a a lady friend of mine who quotes this as I'm reaching out to touch her behind.

"Careful, that's hot," she says, all sexy-like.
Then I'd be all like, "Why? Did you fart?"
She'd say, "What's wrong with you?"
Me: "'Cause a fart shouldn't be hot for long. Do you have a dump brewing?"
"Keith? What's wrong with you?"
"I can wait, I guess, if you need to go. But it's not very arousing knowing you just took a shit."
"I don't have to take a shit."
"Oh. Now you've got me thinking about it, though. When was the last time you did?"
"I don't know. This morning? Why are we talking about this?"
"You brought it up!"
"No, I didn't! I was trying to be sexy!"
"Dumps aren't sexy, babe."
"Get out of my cubicle."

Short Answer: That was kind of a neat way to service the stream-of-consciousness idea. Interesting. After writing 'stream-of-consciousness' for the second time, my brain went to 'cream-of-mushroom soup'. I hate that shit. There are some foods that Campbell's just can't pull off, you know? Gotta make that yourself. Use your own cream. I mean real cream. Dammit.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Question: How's that butt?


Did you do something to my butt?

I'm not sure what the deal is with this question. It might be completely innocuous, but how often is that the case?

I did have a pretty hot butt in High School. That was kind of my thing. Though I didn't participate in many school activities toward the end of my sentence there, I was a little disappointed that I didn't win in the best ass category. (That shit was rigged - some super-popular dude with no ass won.)

So, if it's about that, the answer is: not good. I'm old, now, and part of that butt went away, and a different part got bigger. You might still like it, but that's because your eyes have grown old, too. And sad.

If this was more of a general question: butt's good. Thanks for asking.

Short Answer: I still have a mighty large penis, if this is an inquiry about sexual relations. My tongue is also fluent in puss-and-bottom-work.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Question: Top Ten Stupid Words?

The capitals make it seem like it already exists, like there's no way I can dodge the question...


Do you mean words that stupid people say, or words that are used incorrectly, or words that just sound dumb? Maybe I'll try to do a list of each one to illustrate the differences.

Words Stupid People Say/Overuse

10) Basically
9) Junk
8) Essentially
7) Like
6) Listen/Look (when about to make a condescending point: double stupid)
5) Stuff
4) Actually
3) Whole Nother
2) Literally
1) You know

Words That Are Used Incorrectly

10) Nonplussed (means you're bothered)
9) Enormity (means bad, not big)
8) Conversate (not a word)
7) Peruse (means to look in depth)
6) Irregardless (not a word)
5) Effect (or Affect, take your pick)
4) Plethora (means an excess of things, not a lot of things)
3) Compelled (to be forced)
2) Bemused (confused, not amused)
1) Literally (often used instead of figuratively)

Words That Just Sound Dumb

10) Orientate (Why not orient?)
9) Poo (Sounds dumber than poop.)
8) Aggressiveness (Isn't that just aggression?)
7) Juxtaposition (You're looking for the word 'contrast', college student.)
6) Literally (Yes, I put this in every category.)
5) Booger (Maybe it's the two 'O's thing.)
4) Lovemaking (Worst word for that thing.)
3) Actually (I don't think it's possible to sound as dumb as when you say actually for no reason, like you're correcting an opposing opinion that no one has.)
2) Fleek/Cray-Cray/Lit/Woke... (Does this need to be explained? If you think you sound cool, you're beyond hope so don't worry about it. If you think these are dumb, and only you can use them in a cool, ironic way, you're beyond hope, so don't worry about it.)
1) Disingenuous (This is a weird one and needs some explanation. I thought this word meant presenting yourself as if you know something you don't, or know a lot of something that you know little of. Now it seems to be acceptable to use this word more broadly to mean 'not genuine'. Which is arguably still correct, but it sounds strange to me.)

Short Answer: I'm not judgy about this stuff. I'll participate in these conversations because the content is fun, but I completely understand that language is fluid, and the masses win out over our individual senses of right and wrong. I gave in to the nauseous/nauseated thing years ago, because I decided that battle was lost, and I say 'like' all the fuggin' time.


Correct: (1% of the time)
You look twenty! How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Incorrect: (99% of the time)
How old are you?
I'm actually seventeen.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Question: What movies make you cry?

I'm so sorry to disappoint. I get the feeling you wanted me to list some movies, maybe even do a top ten.

I cry in all the movies all the time. If a movie does a decent job making me care about the characters - which I believe is movie's first and most important job - then I will cry to some degree. If the movie is a heavy drama with relatable struggles, I'll cry multiple times. If a movie is well-made, full of emotion, and full of tragedy, I'll cry the whole time.

To list all the movies that make me cry would be similar to listing all of my favorite films, and that's an undertaking I'm not yet ready for.

I've even been known to cry in specific situations in movies that aren't otherwise very good. Anything about loyalty in a friendship, or love between a father and a son, or the struggle of being an artist, and I'm a leaking like a man recently shot in the bladder.

Short Answer: You know what movies don't make me cry? Movies that are trying to make me cry but don't put in the proper work. Just kidding. Those make me cry, too.

Note: If you want one example, I remember crying so hard at the end of V for Vendetta that when I left the theater I had to hover there for a little while, both to get my composure, and because I didn't want to leave the vicinity of the experience. I think rebellion against authority is a hot-button for my cry-sack.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for twice in your life?

Let's put a stop to this.

You likely know that I answer every question sent to me. This means that you can safely send in a question and know I'm not judging its worth. I may poke fun during the answer, but at least I've given you the respect of taking your participation seriously and including your question on blog.

Yesterday I was asked 'Why don't you be funny for once in your life?" which I of course answered. Today, I'm answering this. If tomorrow, I receive "Why don't you be funny thrice in your life?" I will not be answering.

Though I will be impressed by the inclusion and use of the word 'thrice'.

Seeing that we're on the subject, here's another few questions I won't be answering.

'If you could make up noises for comic books actions, what new ones would you come up with?' - Brrrrunk didn't go over well with Marvel, so I've lost my confidence.

'What color underwear do you underwear?' - I won't answer this for two reasons. A) My underwear color is normal. B) This question is too funny already. I can't make it any better.

'When you have sex with your wife, do you ever film it?' - This is too dumb to think about. You film having sex with your girlfriend, mistress or favorite hooker, not with your wife. Ya idiot.

Short Answer: Have I just answered all those questions despite saying I wouldn't? Yes. Was I just trying to be funny in the first place? Yes. Did I ask myself this question today, turning everything you thought was real on its head? Of course maybe.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Question: Why don't you be funny for once in your life?

Thanks, Mom.

Tom Arnold.

There. If you don't think having that man dumped into your brain isn't funny, I don't know what is. What the fuck is with that guy, right? I just heard a story about the time he left a fucked-up note on Julia Louis-Dreyfus's car because she parked in his spot, and nothing about the story was surprising. If'd they'd said, "Tom Arnold approached her in the female toilet wearing a clown wig and eating dried barley from a plastic pumpkin, while singing an ode to his own nut sack" I'd be like, "Sounds about right."

Gary Busey.

Jesus christ, Gary Busey. Time to lay into the anti-psychotics like it's two free sides hour at the totally insane buffet. Anyone ever see that show about the dude who just followed Busey around? It's pure madness.

A crocodile contemplating his choices at the drive through.

Writing a spec script for Small Wonder.

Having to follow Roseanne Barr around like you're an elephant poop-cleaner-upper, with a trough and a broom, tidying her continuous flow of detritus. (She was married to Tom Arnold! Married? Can you imagine that shit show? That's gotta be the greatest hits of un-erotic foreplay followed by the Olympics of gross fucking.)

Short Answer: I decided to stop because I've become entangled in this sitcom hell, dominated by images of fat people doing moist, flappy things to one another's fat pockets. Doesn't get much less funny than that. (When I have sex it's like's the pairing of two magnificent stallions. Wait, I mean, there's one stallion and someone's getting railed. Sometimes it's the stallion I guess, but there's a mare present. She's uninterested unless the stallion is squealing, is magnificent, in it's way. And then the stallion cries.)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Question: Have you been watching the new Twin Peaks? If so, what are your thoughts?

I have.

This prompts me to talk about a few important things.

First, I've been thinking a lot lately about how we consume content, and in particular, what role mood and current life circumstances play in the enjoyment of a thing. I've recently decided that though I'm completely comfortable giving my opinion about a film on first viewing I often have a different opinion upon second viewing. Not just that, but I usually feel that the second viewing is the more informed, having shrugged all of the expectation, hope or fear that one unknowingly brings to a first experience. (Don't get me wrong, I believe that initial reaction still has great value, and think that separating it from our overall opinion after many viewings could create a whole new way of categorizing and discussing film. I'd love to discuss the difference between First Viewing Experience and Official Critique on a more regular basis.)

Having said that, I've noticed a correlation between my current life circumstances and my enjoyment of absurd, strange and challenging content. I've always been partial to look outside the mainstream - Michael Haneke is one of my most cherished creators - but I've hit an all new high this year.

Because of that, the new Twin Peaks is going down oh, so smooth, baby. In fact, I'm enjoying it on such a level that I'm proclaiming, multiple times per episode, the phrase, "This is awesome" with wide-eyed disbelief.

Having said that...this shit's not for everyone. Not even close. I think it's safe to say that if you're a Lynch fan, or even a fan of the approach a man like Lynch takes, you'll enjoy the newest version of Twin Peaks.

Short Answer: I used to believe that I went into movies feeling very level. I thought I'd trained myself to be good at that. This is not the case. This was an illusion. I cried watching Age of Apocalypse and loved it. Second viewing, saw a million problems I hadn't seen the first time. But beyond that, I also believe that a second viewing is truer because it's by definition more informative. Experiencing a thing twice is going to give you more data, and more data equals a truer result. I'm even starting to think movies that have a consistent showing over two or three viewings may deserve a special, incredible film category of their own. (To me, that means they didn't tug at the heartstrings in a prepared, predatory or formulaic way. That, among other things, is one of the discussion I'd like to have moving forward. How some 'good' movies only make you feel by nefarious means. They don't earn the feels; they set them up, like a drunk driving commercial, whereas a great movie makes you care about the characters, and then you feel by relating to them. They earn their emotional reactions. What's the difference? Figuring that out is why the discussion could be fun!)

Note: If you don't know what I'm talking about, I think Pixar is a good example. Some of those movies, man, I don't know...