Sunday, November 19, 2017

Question: If you could have a superpower named after a rock band, album, or song, what would it be called and what would it do?

I would have the power of:

Whitesnake! The ability to grow a tiny dick into a very impressive dick!

Heart! The ability to grow one half of me into a very fat lady!

Megadeth! The ability to murder lots of people at once!

The Beatles! The ability to attract an Asian wife, despite the consequences!

Radiohead! The ability to broadcast mouthsex noises!

Muse! The ability to take credit for other people's creative work!

The Crash Test Dummies! The ability to survive damage from collisions!

The Barenaked Ladies! The ability to make it in America, despite the odds!

U2! The ability to be inclusive!

Oasis! The ability to make you see water!

The Doors! The ability to let you into/keep you out of a whole room!

Avenged Sevenfold! The ability to accomplish excessive avenging!

Pink Floyd! The ability to make the name 'Floyd' sound cool!

Iron Maiden! The ability to make a made-up torture device seem a proper historic method of interrogation!

Jethro Tull! The ability to be one guy with a flute!

Def Leppard! The ability to know the sound of one hand clapping!

Panic at the Disco! The ability to be oddly specific!

Twenty One Pilots! The ability to count pilots!

The Band! The ability to name bands!

Creedence Clearwater Revival! The ability to...yeah!

Short Answer: You know it's enough when you bail hard.

Note: Ignore two-thirds of the question? Check. Feel good about yourself anyway? Check. Spell cheque the alternate way? Check. Spell check? Check. Be from Slovakia? Check.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Question: If you had to listen to one Christmas song on repeat for all of the Christmas season, what would it be?

This is easy as shit. You were probably looking for some in-depth analysis, weren't you? That's not about to happen. My heart sings in harmony with the voice of one George Michael.

The answer is Last Christmas by Wham!

Here's the list I did a few years back:

You may notice that Last Christmas isn't number one, but that's because I did that thing where I tried to take some outside information into account, some objectivity with which to forge the list. (In hindsight, this was dumb, as the question specifically asked for my 'favorites'. Hey, I can't always be right on the ball.)

Just kidding. I can. Especially outside of parenthesis!

Short Answer: Please. Let's hold off on Christmas questions for a bit longer. Wait, scratch that. Send them and I'll just start storing them for later. You should be able to ask anything you want. Like that time my mom asked, "Why haven't you come out of the closet yet? You're a grown-ass man."

Friday, November 17, 2017

Question: Do you ever have a problem with piss driblets?

Now, see? You've gone and done that thing where you put something funny in the question. Now what am I supposed to do? Come up with a funnier sounding thing than piss driblets?

You've ruined everything.

I guess the answer is yes. I've certainly knocked off a few driblets in my day. I even have a 'smack the ween' routine, to keep that shit from becoming a problem. And yes, I've dolloped my jeans before. Who hasn't? In fact, I used to go commando until I started to soak through the front of my jeans with all the urine.

I'm covered in urine most times, now that I think of it. I'm like an elk in heat, just caked with the darkest, smelliest stuff. My leg hair is all stuck together with it.

Short Answer: But I wouldn't say it's a problem.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Question: My car wouldn't start and I was stranded. My boyfriend fixed it, what's an appropriate gift to give him?

Maybe let him go in through the muffler?

Maybe some backseat love?

Maybe let him pop the trunk?

Maybe let him change your dirty oil?

Maybe let him replace the your asshole?

Short Answer: Anal. The answer is anal.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Question: Strangers Things season 2 sucks, right?

Boy, this is a risky game. Looking for support? You've come to the wrong place. I'm not a brassiere!!!

Nailed that brassiere joke.

Anywho, I don't think Stranger Things season 2 sucks at all. I think it's very similar to the first season in terms of quality and execution. I even looked up some things to see what the fuck you could be talking about, and besides a universal complaint that the season starts a little slow, I couldn't see any hard evidence that would indicate it objectively 'sucks'.

Maybe there are some things you don't like about it. I didn't personally love the 'New Mutants' episode, so I get where you're coming from. But sucks means bad, and bad I won't agree with. Sounds like you didn't like it. Proving something is bad takes solid arguments and backup. I tried to see it from your point of view, but I can't.

I don't think it was as good as the first season, but I'm not the biggest fan of the show in its entirety. I like it fine. I think it works really well. I think it's a high quality show. But I'm not, say, a big enough fan to bother arguing over it online.

Short Answer: You suck.

Note: Steve rules.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Question: I want to hear your wife answer a blog post. Is that something that can happen?

"Is that the question? The entire question?

Well, that could be anything.

Does that mean take someone else's question and answer it?

I have no idea.

Can we maybe hold off on doing that one for another day?


No! I'm sick, man."

Short Answer: (Sound of nose blowing.)

Note: This is what you get.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Question: If you had to eat red snow or yellow snow, which would eat?

Red. Because yellow snow is more than likely urine. Red snow could be any number of things. If it's blood, like I think this question implies, I'd rather eat blood than pee.

Also, it might be menstrual blood, which is thick and tasty.

Blood also doesn't mean that someone is dehydrated, whereas yellow snow does. I don't want to imbibe the fluid of a dehydrated man. That's sick.

Red snow might mean someone got stabbed, but that's cool. At least they aren't dehydrated.

If someone happened to come along with their snow cone syrups, I think yellow is probably lemon. Red could be cherry, or strawberry, or raspberry, or even fruit punch!

Did I do menstrual blood yet? Righto.

In what scenario would I have to choose? Is this like a lawn-invasion type situation where some thugs in pillow-masks are forcing me to eat snow or they'll give my wife a friction burn or make her get a new copy of her Air Miles card or something? Because I don't know that I'd bother saving her from that. It's not like I have to apply the ointment or call Air Miles.

Short Answer: You know what's really gross? Both colors in the snow at once, maybe even near each other, maybe with a touch of an orange halo where they meet.