Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Question: What are your feelings on candy for breakfast?

My brain wanted to read that as a title, like, Candy for Breakfast, which would be a pretty sweet band name if you ask me.

What? This whole blog is people asking me?

Touché, myself. Touché.

I don't eat breakfast. I've never liked eating in the morning, and until recently, railed against everyone's assessment that I was somehow destroying my mind, body and soul by not having a hearty meal in the morning. Now that I've discovered intermittent fasting, I can finally do what I want, and feel like I'm not alone in the world.

This is not an ad for intermittent fasting. It just suits my lifestyle. And the way I figure it, if you're going adopt a fitness and nutrition strategy, why not choose one that already suits your lifestyle? I mean, they're probably all bullshit, anyway. Might as well be happy.

From what I understand, sugar is the devil, so candy for any meal is probably the dumbest thing you can do to your body. But you're an adult, so my feelings are that you should do what you want. Eat a bowl of gummy worms every morning for all I care. When you die at twenty-eight, I won't care about that either.

I think that's what they mean when they say 'win win'.

Short Answer: We're straight up murdering ourselves because of the way we eat. Lack of sleep and poor nutrition are huge culprits when looking into the true whys of our society's excessive fatigue, anxiety, depression and obesity problems. Do yourself a favor, and lay off the fucking sugar, champ.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Question: For the last time, where's my bear rug?

I told you! I did a messy on it, okay? My wife and I were drunk, and she said 'let's pudding' and I just went with it! I didn't know that was a rug made out of your childhood bear! And who has a childhood bear? You should've been killed. You're lucky to be alive, so maybe count your blessings. A gluey rug isn't the end of the world, and at least I had the courtesy to not return it and continue to use it for nasty sex stuffs!

Short Answer: You can have it back if you really want it. But I think you should use it the way we use it at least once. Or you could just watch us use it. The fur gets everywhere.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Question: Do you sleep on your back, your stomach, or your side?

Look, if you're planning a home invasion just to get a piece of this sweet, sweet ass, I promise I'll turn whichever way you want.

Some might claim there's no reason to read anything like that into the question, that I'm projecting some latent desire to get bum-abused in the middle of a restless, theretofore heterosexual evening.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, okay, I guess I see your point. I just didn't want to admit it. I've lived an entire life jealous of the probed, wondering when it's going to be my turn. I mean, I'm right there, ass in the air! I even toss the blankets off most nights for extra enticement.

And no, my wife won't play out my fantasy for me. She downright refuses to pretend to be doing a home invasion, won't imitate the alien language I created, and is entirely too reticent to use a hand-held cucumber to penetrate my ever-waiting tookus.

So...if this question isn't about me finally getting mine in the way I most crave it, I guess it's about how I sleep, for like, sleeping purposes? Mostly on my sides, though I do have to switch often between sides. I mean, it's nothing for me to switch to the side that keeps my ass toward the unlocked door -

Sorry, sorry, I know, sorry.

Short Answer: This isn't my fault. I've sat on all the fire-hydrants in my neighborhood, and though there is some thrill to wearing a pretty dress outside at three in the morning and easing myself down onto cold, bright-red metal, it's just not doing it for me anymore. I'm a normal man with normal needs! Why can't I find someone to sneak into my rectum at night?

Note: I've been told that in no way was this question about sex, my ass, or my ambitions to be taken hard from behind by a deviant extraterrestrial. My bad, I guess.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Question: How do you feel about Saturday the 14th?

I seriously considered not answering this question today, but if I left it for another day, then it would have absolutely no merit whatsoever. At least this way I can rip into you with relevance.

You suck donkey balls, ma'am.

And I don't mean, like, you were on a show like Fear Factor, and they tried to get you to eat donkey balls, and you sorta suckled on one before you decided you couldn't do it.

I mean you suck donkey balls to give a donkey sexual pleasure. You put the ball-sack of a donkey completely in your mouth until the donkey ejaculates.

Short Answer: I started another paragraph, but realized I'd said the most important things already. Sometimes you've gotta know when to 'give the donkey blue balls' as they say.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Question: How do you feel about Friday the 13th?

Another person has found a way to jump the queue. Congratulations. You are awarded one whole dick wiggle.

That's the other time on blog I've rubbed up against this subject. Just a post about superstitions, mainly.

Because I'm such a big horror movie guy, I've always been a little afraid of getting murdered on Friday the 13th. This is not a joke. Friday the 13ths weird me out a little, more than any other odd little superstition we have in modern times. I'm often grateful when I don't realize it's Friday the 13th, and then I sort of assess the possibilty I'll get murdeed based on the time of day. Like, 'Oh, shit? It's Friday the 13th? Thank god it's already four o'clock. Now I only have to survive for eight hours.'

Yea. This makes no fucking sense. But horrorsmovies used to scared the absolute shit out of me, so there you go.

Here's a sad thing. You know when horror movies stopped scaring the shit out of me? When enough real bad shit happened in my life that being scared didn't seem all that bad anymore. Once your will to live is compromised, fear is just a shortcut to the sweet relief of death.

Short Answer: Happy Friday the 13th, everyone! If you do get murdered, I hope it's an ax to the head, buried deep enough that you don't feel a thing. Kisses!

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Question: Why were you wearing that red shirt today?

I saw you too motherfucker!

It was actually a Flash t-shirt. You must have only seen me from the back. It's good to know I'm still recognizable that way.

I rarely wear a t-shirt without something on it anymore. I went through a black t-shirt/everyday uniform kind of phase a few years back, but I like wearing pictures of things I love. It's not really for anyone else, though it is fun on occasion to have some stranger bro-down with you over your Pink Floyd Animals t-shirt or your A Clockwork Orange purse.

(I actually have an A Clockwork Orange t-shirt, it's just that sentence was really begging me to make a joke and not just say 't-shirt' again. I'm a slave to humor.)

I really like my current collection of shirts. Got a lot of stuff right now that I've always wanted, and my wife has managed not to shrink any of them. She had a good run, though, turning precious clothes into rags and garbage. What a swell lady.

Short Answer: That Flash t-shirt is the second incarnation. I had the same shirt before and I wore it until it fell apart, then replaced it like a champion.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Question: I have an original idea! Can you do a list of ten songs with stories in them?

Well, dammit.

I know there are a lot of country songs that do this, but I'm not much into that style of music. Folk music does this alot, but just like yesterday's list, I'm going to try to keep it more mainstream and accessible.

(Just want to put it out there, even though I don't love country music, I must admit they've got a lot of this shit on lock down. If you're a country music fan, this list is probably just b-sides to you. Maybe skip it.)

Top Twenty Story Songs (That Probably Aren't Country or Folk Songs)

20) Leader of the Pack by the Shangri-Las
19) The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band
18) In the Ghetto by Elvis Presley
17) Don't Stand So Close to Me by the Police
16) Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Iron Maiden
15) Spanish Train by Chris de Burgh
14) Brick by Ben Folds Five
13) Black Velvet by Allanah Miles
12) Piano Man by Billy Joel
11) Jeremy by Pearl Jam 
10) 24 Hours From Tulsa by Gene Pitney
9) Rocky Raccoon by the Beatles
8) Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
7) Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin
6) All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You by Heart
5) Hazard by Richard Marx
4) Billie Jean by Michael Jackson
3) Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf
2) One by Metallica
1) Space Oddity by David Bowie

Short Answer: I really tried to listen to, and consider, some classic story songs like Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia, He Stopped Loving Her Today,etc. I just...I just can't do it, man. You know you don't like the music when you don't care how the story ends.

Note: Yes, I'm aware of A Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash. Just assume anything that wasn't on here - that also makes you angry - was an Honorable Mention. It wasn't, but just imagine.

Note the Second: I've never heard of this Bob Dylan fellow you keep talking about.