Thursday, May 24, 2018

Question: Can I borrow a feeling?

Fuck off. I don't have any to spare. Just kidding. I have many. But obviously, I'm going to unload all the negative ones onto you, so get ready.

(fart noise)

I win.

Short Answer: That song sucks and you suck and you're covered in fart.

Note: Ha! I just realized that isn't some shitty song, it's an amazing joke from the Simpsons! It is I who is the one who is covered in fart!

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Question: Are you boycotting Solo?

First of all, I hope this sentence doesn't even make sense to people. Even if they know what Star Wars is, and who Han Solo is, and have heard of boycotting...I still hope this just sounds like gobbledy-gook so they don't have to face the reality of how stupid people are.

If you boycott a film that you haven't yet seen because you fear it will be bad, you're a world class, grade A moron.

If you're boycotting this movie because you didn't like another movie, see above moron grade.

Boycotting in general is fucking stupid. If done for the right reasons, sure, it's a thing. But people are using it now as a retaliation tactic. I don't like you, so I'm going to try to ruin your shit. That's not where strategies of peaceful resistance came from, and is certainly not the spirit one needs to change things for the better. And co-opting this sort of thing to bitch about a fucking movie? Grow the fuck up, everybody.

Go watch something else and shut the fuck up. And get out of my face while you're doing it. Your opinion has been muted based on your ridiculous actions. You've accomplished nothing other than to erase yourself from the radar of the intelligent.

Short Answer: Listen up. These movies aren't for you. You don't matter. What you think they should be doesn't matter. Star Wars isn't yours. People have different, personal experiences and therefore want different things. Disney fucked up your Star Wars? Did they? Did they go back in time and erase the positive experiences you had, you dullard? Shut the fuck up. I'd rather watch the prequels than listen to you bitch, you crybaby.

Note: If people just used a portion of their energy to do something positive in the world, rather than this type of shit, we'd all be a fuck-load happier.

Let me put it in meme-style in case people still aren't getting this.

ME: What are you doing today with all the time and freedom afforded you by your privilege, relative monetary wealth and general good fortune?
YOU: Think I'll organize a boycott of Solo.
ME: (stab)
ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD: I didn't see anything, officer. He was stabbed when we got here.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Question: Are you a father?

I'm not sure what to make of this. Are you trying to compile data on me for some nefarious purpose? Please don't do that. I'm a biter.

I am a father of invention. Possibly a father of lies. Like a father I know best. I enjoy a spot of how's your father on occasion.

You get it. Other things with the word father.

Have I made children with my creamy little swimmers? Have I shot life into someone's gloop-hole? Have I reproduced a tiny me with a beard and long balls? Have I made a genetic milkshake with a female of some similar species?

No. I am not a father in the most conventional of senses. But I have listened to Father Figure by George Michael a lot, and so I'm pretty sure I get what it's all about.

Short Answer: You offering? I've got a few extra guys to spray around. I think the world could use a  couple of tiny Keiths.

Note: My wife does not agree that there should be more of me. I guess that's fair.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Question: Do you have any favourite WrestleManias?

I fear I'm about to disappoint, both the fans who don't give two shits about wrasslin', and to the inquisitor.

(The Inquisitor is my wrestling name. I ask the tough questions.)

I hate 18, I can tell you that. Didn't even feel like Wrestlemania. Felt like I was watching a show in someone's garage. Wait, or was it 18? Shit, I don't know. The attitude era had some weak ones, man.

Anyway, my favorites are no surprise, as they align with the consensus.

Wrestlemania 30, of course when Daniel Bryan Danielson Bryan won his World Heavyweight Title. 20, when Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit were triumphant. 10, with Bret Hart winning the strap and Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels getting it on in that historic ladder match.

Wow. 30, 20, and 10? Looks like I'm a lazy piece of shit.

13 because of the Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold slobberknocker. 15, the first Undertaker vs. Shawn Micheals match, maybe the best match ever at a Wrestlemania. 3, because of Hogan and Andre. Then 12, with Bret and Shawn in the iron man match.

You know what I just realized? I'm stinking this up. I'd have to go back and watch every Wrestlemania front to back to get a sense of the overall shows. I'm judging all of this on highlight matches, and I don't think that's fair. Just give me twelve-hundred hours or so to do that.

(twelve hundred or so hours later)

Never mind. It was accurate.

Short Answer: I'm positive I've missed a few good, overall shows. Maybe nineteen? Some say seventeen? I don't often do this, but I recommend you go look up some articles by people who took the time to analyze the entire cards. It was too much of a task for me. (I actually thought about this for a day, then decided not to do the research. Once that can of wrasslin' worms got opened, I would've been taken out for days.)

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Question: Do you like puma shoes?

I didn't know pumas wore shoes.

Capitalization is important. Let this entire answer about jungle cat footwear be a lesson.

If pumas do wear shoes, I sure as hell like them. Animals look adorable in people clothes, and I'm sure puma shoes are hilarious if unnecessary. I bet you'd look at a puma in puma shoes and think, 'Man, that puma is chic as fuck right now!'

Plus, they'd have all the benefits of wearing shoes! You'd get sweet puma dancing, sweet puma walking on rough surfaces, and sweet puma not having dirty feet-ed-ness.

And high heels? Forget about it! Plus, pumas love to accessorize. That new line of puma earrings and handbags are gonna kill it this fashion season.

Short Answer: Have you had enough? I have. Of you.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Question: My dad keeps telling me not to "chase waterfalls" and I refuse to look it up. What is he talking about?

Isn't asking me sorta like looking it up? Looks to me like you don't refuse much. I'm guessing, based on the dad factor, that you're a millennial, or younger, and therefore, I don't believe for an instant that you have a problem refusing things.

I think the best lesson here is to solve your own problems. Use the googly like a big boy and leave me the fuck out of it.

Also, I know the reference, but I don't have any fucking idea what 'chasing waterfalls' means. But it's possible that your dad is hilarious, so you should straighten up big time.

Short Answer: I hate to be this guy, but I have a feeling if my interpretation of the lyric (hint) was confirmed, I would advise people to ignore this and, indeed, chase some motherfuckin' waterfalls!

Note: This answer has a millennial trap in it. You see, it's difficult to interpret what I said about refusing things, so if you were offended by that statement without deeper understanding, you might be a millennial. 'How dare he say...something about me!'